Visitor Comments:

(Submitted by in lieu of #2 )

butt i don't wanna go first...

(Submitted by Wal*Fixture )

Here's my $2.74. I'd like a picture of Cindy Crawford nekkid, please. Okay, she can have a little saran wrap on.

(Submitted by lieu )

be careful when you throw that bathwater out.

(Submitted by the germaniac )

hmm...i've got a single item here...I wonder if there's a SYSTEM out there of creating more....

(Submitted by Hall, Mark )

Why the facial tissue? Did you send yourself a nice card?

(Submitted by susie )

Face off?

(Submitted by Chiqca swiping Jeen's schtick )

I want my BABY BATH, BABY BATH, BABY BATH, BABY BATH ribs.... BBQ sauce...

(Submitted by MultiTaskingSystem )

..and then there was this German postman who was bitten by a dog, and he knocked on the door and demanded to speak to "the herr of the dog that bit me"

(Submitted by BBoy )

also, wuzz hiz bach vurz dan hiz bite?

(Submitted by Succedanum )

Multi Tasking System! I must point out that in your "email" address, you put @at.the.same.time. this is redundant. you should have simply put @the.same.time. oh well. your own thing, i guess. different roads for different toads

(Submitted by loz )

An envelope. What will Walmart think of next?

(Submitted by Goober )

I was going through a McDonalds drive thru window the other day (it was right next to a WAL*MART) after playing some golf. As I pulled up to the window, the young female attendant noticed some golf tees I had laying, lying, lain, whatever, on the front seat. Curious, she asked, "What are those for?" Always eager to inform, I told her "That's where I put my balls when I drive" to which she replied "I'll be damned! What'll GM think of next!"

(Submitted by susie )

I have never driven thru a window yet...

(Submitted by lieu )

i dove thru some saran wrap once. hey, it was college and i was experimenting.

(Submitted by randy ghandi )

we keep our nuts fresh with sarong wrap.

(Submitted by Mrs. Eunice Gutrumble )

Edgar and I were shopping at the nice Wal*Mart down the street from our Worntooth Retirement Center the other day and came across some Christmas clearance items. We bought a wonderful Perry Como LP and took it home to play on our GE HiFi. Edgar, bless his heart, confused his Viagra with his fiber tablets and was soon walking around knocking everything over 3 1/2 feet high off the shelves and onto the floor. He then threw me on the ground near the mantle and gave me a tittie f*cking fit for a jersey cow. Ironically, the sweet sounds of "Chestnuts roasing on an open fire" were wafting through the parlor at the same time. Aaaah, Christmas and Wal*Mart... such a nice store. Such nice young people. Thank you.

(Submitted by the germaniac )

I submit to you this mystery...the two converging pen marks to the left of the list on this reciept. Chicken scratch? A chicken footprint? A Matt Krieg autograph? Maybe. But I also offer this...an encrypted message from the V galaxy...they're here people...and they're shopping at walmart

(Submitted by dollar bill )

you germans and your marks...

(Submitted by the germaniac )

I vill be putting your skepticism in my REPORT!

(Submitted by Dan the man! )

Where is "www.walmartsucks.com" gone??? Your site is funny but what's the use? Tell me more...

(Submitted by the germaniac )

Feather boas are funnny...but what's the use?

(Submitted by Valley Girl )

Hey Eunice, you go girl!

(Submitted by Noah Graber )

Oh yah! I see that Edgar uses dah famous Amish skin softening lotion on Eunice.

(Submitted by Dally )

use? huh? *looking at Germy in bewilderment* wot's he talking about?

(Submitted by Scar tissue )

facial tissue. oh dear, i guess the anti-itch didn't work.

(Submitted by Multi-tasker )

I'll have my secretary fax you that titty fuck first thing tomorrow morning.

(Submitted by Dal )

Conference call anyone?

(Submitted by susie )

So this man goes in to see the doctor, wearing his underpants made from saran wrap. "Well" says the doctor, "I can clearly see your nuts".

(Submitted by NYCFASHIONGIRL )

HMM... I THINK I AM INTERESTED IN THAT MULTISYSTEM THING, DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH A LOT OF CHORE BOYS, CAUSE IF SO, OH BABY I'M THERE!

(Submitted by Eunice's great grandfather )

Hmmmm... So what you're saying is that you're interested in that multisystem thing? Do you wanna know if it has something to do with a lot of chore boys? Are you trying to say that if it is so then you'll be there? Ehhh... Kids these days, they just don't know how to speak up!

(Submitted by Mikey from the corner )

I would imagine that feather boas have a hard time catching rats and proably have a short life span.

(Submitted by Dally from Outer Space )

my feather boa swallowed a elephant whole one time and it's still digesting it so now i use it for a pillow - it looks nothing like a hat.

(Submitted by Ho-boken )

heeheehee...Eunice said 'joyze'

(Submitted by Freud )

Screw Mushu and the Netbank that swallowed his Compubank.

(Submitted by Jung Woman )

Freud, my animas broke out of the corral. what should i dodo..oops.

(Submitted by Jung Man )

Freud, my animus ate an elephant and now it's a pillow. it's been lying on the couch now for several years now. i think it's suck..oops..i mean stuck in it's edible stage. wot should i do?

(Submitted by walmart? )

wut is walmart? this walmart? me new to north amerca and me dunno this wall mart. how wall have mart? is mart a wall? i no like walls', they are bad u hit wall and u die.

(Submitted by I_luv_zellers )

I save my receipts too!!! CAN WE BE FRIENDS?!?!?!

(Submitted by horrible nothing )

No, dammit, there's only enough room in my life to deal with one obsessive compulsive collector, and derek has already filled that spot! Jungian theory? At this hour of the night? Wasn't there a famous woman in pychology with an obscene-looking name? Can't remember, can't remember...

(Submitted by bcr3 )

OK... wow... quarter after 2 and I have to be at work at 10... so naturally I am sitting here viewing what is, quite possibly, the most inane, insane, and crack- headed website to ever earn the moniker "family friendly"... and I stop and say to myself, "Self... I like this... It amuses me. But... is it art?" Yes, world! It IS art!

(Submitted by horrible nothing )

so then you should have asked yourself, then how is it inane? It amuses you and it is art, yet it is somehow not good enough?

(Submitted by Friday afternoon post the prandial )

Put it in a box with holes in the sides so it can breathe, take it to an auction sale of stolen farm equipment, and leave it on a Massey- Furguson. Then it can be a boa con's tractor.

(Submitted by DjRev )

You go to Wal-Mart too much. And i have too much time to actualy find this site. So...we both need some help i guess.

(Submitted by Abi )

I'm still recovering from the Adventures of Eunice, and am unable to comment on the receipt....so to keep it receipt-related, I'll just shout *ENVELOPE* - thank you.

(Submitted by Karen Horney - Psychology Woman )

You talkin' about me?

(Submitted by susie )

bcr3 even if I work all day I never earn any monikers *packing up some cheese bites in the envelope to send to Melon* Hi Abi, hi Karen crazy name, crazy gal.....

(Submitted by susie )

Hi Freud

(Submitted by Abi )

Hey Susie! Whoa, Karen - great surname, we had a guy working with us once - his surname was Diaper, doesn't have quite the same cachet. Could someone pass the BATTERY, I think the STuD needs RCHRGING.

(Submitted by EScapade )

Baby MG bath.... hmm... I used to have a MG Midget myself, but I found it so much easier to just drive it down to the car wash. Thinking about it now tho' , I suppose I could have spared myself the trouble & expense by simply throwing the vehicle in the tub and soaping it up! Where were those car washing goddesses back then. I must have had a failure to communicate.

(Submitted by pryor, dick )

wot we have here, linda, is failure to ex-communicate.

(Submitted by cool hand lieuk )

"i can fertilize 50 eggs."

(Submitted by Bud Man )

WAZZZZZZZZZZZZUPPPPPPPP??????? ?????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????? ??? WAZZZZZZZZZZZZUPPPPPPPP??????? ?????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????? ???

(Submitted by horrible nothing )

yeah, horn-ay! She's my favorite- Horny whore.

(Submitted by Succedanum )

whoa, what happened to the messages? they're all strung out. it's messing with my mind! AHHHH! I can't take it anymore!

(Submitted by SuzinN.Cal. )

Ahhhhh *sigh* is good to see the good old regulars still here. My time at the puter is so limited these busy (but good) days. As always good stuff here. Carry on and have very good days!

(Submitted by Say WHAT? )

What is up with this? All the text is stringing out? I CANNOT HANDLE THIS WE NEED A NEW RECEIPT!

(Submitted by Cornelia Frances )

*look over the top of my half-moon spectacles* Baby bath?

(Submitted by susie )

Oh there are the name and address boxes, do we have an outbreak of superstringtheory virus in our toaster box? Help help help

(Submitted by Succedanum )

i think it's the budweiser guy's fault. nothing good ever came from those damn "WHAAAASSSSUP?" ads. i thought the "What are YOU doing?" one was funny, though.

(Submitted by When i was using netscape it was alright but when i'm using internet explorer it looks like goddamn spaghetti! )

it's yasdnil's fault! Always messing around with the speed of the earth's rotation, when will you learn?!? Nothing good can come of it.

(Submitted by torvm3 )

And just when I thought the web was getting stale --- I find this fresh piece of white wonder bread. (Ever notice that Wonder Bread never gets moldy?)

(Submitted by Succedanum )

shut up, notna. it's not my damn fault. at least i don't chase bunnies under the full moon with my little frog buddy.

(Submitted by Fanny Artichoke )

Derek, have you begun procreating again? Who's the lucky girl? Dally, is there something you haven't been telling us?

(Submitted by Abi )

*hello? hello? testing, testing, one, two three*....where're my chums?

(Submitted by the germaniac )

Sorry Abi, I'm here. I'm just working on a MULTISYSTEM since i only have one BBQ PC left.

(Submitted by susie )

Hi Abi, hi germaniac, Fanny and Netscape user! I'm busy winding up the string here, maybe I could knit a string vest for Timmy?

(Submitted by crackpot )

2 boxes of Facial Tissues - How many Facials do you get man.

(Submitted by goddamn spaghetti )

A string vest? I just don't get it.

(Submitted by al meltdown )

lucy...you got some splainin' to do...

(Submitted by Abi )

Hey germy & susie!!...it was a bit lonely here yesterday......now then, you want to be careful with those string vests, if it's cold out your CHEESE NIPS tend to poke through.....just a thought.

(Submitted by Chiquita )

*peeking out of the ENVELOPE* Cakes, where is everybody? Come join me in the ENVELOPE and bring that BABY BATH, would ya?

(Submitted by Abi )

*Chiiiqqq* Bigs hugs 'n' snogz babe! I have been so lonely, wanderin' round here...*climbing into ENVELOPE and dragging BABY BATH in behind me* Perhaps if I dangle my SLINKY suggestively over the side, someone'll keep us company.....

(Submitted by Chiq )

Ooooooh boys.... look at Cakes' suggestively danlged SLINKY over here... There's room for a few more in this ENVELOPE.

(Submitted by toodle lieu )

i've always wanted to try and lick an envelope shut from the inside. who was it that used to talk about getting "really small?"

(Submitted by Chiq )

I think that was Steve Martin. He's here with us in the ENVELOPE. C'mon in and ask him.

(Submitted by lieu )

steve really is from my home town. in fact, we think he was responsible for some of our missing kittens and lead- based paint snacks.

(Submitted by the germaniac )

If you guys REALLY want to be controversial, why don't you ALL get in the envelope and I'll have Marilyn Manson come and push it.

(Submitted by damn spaghetti )

Always getting into shit, what wrong with you, chiq? If he buys some sort of bottled substance you'll be climbing into the bottle every time things get rough, be your own person, you don't NEED to be in the envelope. It's official, the fish are dead. The plan worked, they chose the tiger. All dead, hahahaHAH! There was hours of enjoyment for me while i tried to determine whether they would eat the ace ammonia or not. hahahaHAH!

(Submitted by spaghetti )

Manson is my aunt-in-law! She keeps trying to do things that shock myself and the rest of the family, but all it did was make us realize what a queerass poser he is. It came as such a dissapointment since i was such a big fan of hers.

(Submitted by ghetti )

Why did steve feed all of the leadbased snacks to the kittens? The smart thing to do would be to eat both the kittens and the snacks, much more cost effective as well.

(Submitted by Shannen )

I have baloney in my shoes...it FEELS funny.

(Submitted by Abi )

actually Chiq and I quite like being in the ENVELOPE. Thank you. (And there's no shit in here)

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Right-o Cakes. It's very cozy in the ENVELOPE, toaster box, CEREAL BOX, etc. Now if Derek buys a closet, I might not go in there... somebunny might see me come out...

(Submitted by Maleman )

Boy, would I like to fold, spindle and mutilate you two...and I don't even know what "spindle" means...

(Submitted by Terry )

CHIQ'S!!!Are you a lesbian too???

(Submitted by susie )

llllllllliiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnn nngggggggggggggguuuuuuuuuuuuui iiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

(Submitted by Succedanum )

spindle--noun. a device used to make yarn. it looks kind of like a top, and you hold a big lump of wool, and tease a little bit of it out at a time. spin the spindle, and it twists the wool into yarn. that's a bad description, but who cares?

(Submitted by Virginian )

I LOVE holding a big lump of wool...

(Submitted by Chiq )

Now Terry *tsk tsk tsk* don't go starting rumours, y'hear? Let there be no mistake about it, I'm a nanner lover all the way. In fact, you should see the collection Cakes & I have got going in this ENVELOPE. It's really quite impressive. Care to join us? Hey Cakes, entice Terry with your SLINKY some more.

(Submitted by dweebster )

monce - big lump 'o wool.

(Submitted by dweebster )

quief - monce music.

(Submitted by Abi )

*waving SLINKY in enticing manner* Here Terry, Terry.....

(Submitted by susie )

Oh no !! I just read this, *packing up knitting* *waving goodbye sadly to all my friends* waWal-Mart Stores Inc. was accused Tuesday of rampant discrimination against female workers in a federal lawsuit against the nation's largest private employer. The suit, which seeks to represent as many as 500,000 current and former women workers, claims the company ``systematically discriminates against its women employees,'' said Brad Seligman, one of several attorneys on the case. More...

(Submitted by Abi )

Sounds like a need for the Wal*Tarts to lead the uprising.....come on girls, chaaaarrgge.......!!! *waving my aim n flame wildly*

(Submitted by Paul )

Uh oh...THE BRITISH ARE COMING, THE BRITISH ARE COMING...

(Submitted by Worlds Oldest Walmart Greeter )

now, now, young missy, yer caint just charge in here - I have ter give yer me greeting speech - ahem *false teeth clacking at each plosive* Happy ter see yer, nothin ter pay, Walmart is open, have a nice day!

(Submitted by Missy )

Whattaya mean I can't charge? Ya mean I gotta pay cash for this crap?

(Submitted by susie )

hello?

(Submitted by Succedanum )

hi there.

(Submitted by Andre )

hmmm *pristine white butt sticking up in the air as he rummages around in the ENVELOPE in a gyrating frenzy looking for a gaggle of blonde minxiness* so where are you all? I thought you were in the toaster box trying to make it fly...Chiqca, Dally, Abi, susie, are you in here???? Are you all just trying to avoid me?

(Submitted by ferret )

what's a walmart?

(Submitted by Abi )

Hi Susie, Succedanum and Andre - I'm in here! Sorry Andre, I have to disappoint you, I'm not a blonde.....will brunette suit your minxiness??

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Andre babe, we're here. We took a little spur-of-the- moment trip over to the CEREAL BOX, but we're back here in the ENVELOPE now. C'mon in & join the party... and it's BYOMN (bring your own MULTISYSTEM nanner). susie & Abs, help me get this ANIT ITCH ready for Andre.

(Submitted by Chiq )

Y'all know I meant ANTI ITCH. *going for coffee now*

(Submitted by lieu )

what's anit? a singular possessive anus? how pooperfect!

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

I'm VERY possessive of my anus! I only have one!

(Submitted by teacher )

children, share your toys.

(Submitted by the germaniac )

butt he started it!

(Submitted by teacher )

germey, play nice and try and get a thong with lieu or you'll both have to bring up the rear.

(Submitted by Succedanum )

really, people, can't we at least pretend to be mature? ok, so maybe i'm asking for the impossible, but it can't hurt to ask, can it?

(Submitted by The Paint Expert )

ATTENTION WAL-MART SHOPPERS!!!! Just because you bought it here in '89 does NOT mean we still have some left. Thank you for shopping your friendly Wal-Mart Supersinner... *Inserts BATTERY X into neck implant*

(Submitted by lieu )

i thought that's what we were doing... pretending.

(Submitted by Reality Czeck )

Come here for maturity? Ha, that's like going to Firestone for rubbers.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

that's like going to Tampa Bay to see a good baseball game

(Submitted by Chiq )

That's like going to an L.A. freeway for light traffic.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

that's like going to England for spicy cuisine

(Submitted by Succedanum )

or going to italy for a relaxing drive. i see what you mean. anyway, if lieu thinks that's what we are already doing, i don't wanna see you guys be immature

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

whew! Thank god I'm a girl...I can be as immature as I want!

(Submitted by in lieu of a 67 year old potato eating joan collins )

really? will you be sixteen for me?

(Submitted by Habib )

Can you be a seven year old for me??? I'm just nuts over seven year olds...

(Submitted by Its the End of the Site as We Know It )

   "There have been numerous occasions that I have been aware of over the last seven years where men have been favored over women for positions. There's a great divide between the women and the men at Wal-Mart. Today I'm speaking out and I hope the women in my store and everywhere else will have the courage and no longer accept the treatment that we've been subjected to."        Betty Dukes, a Wal-Mart employee from Pittsburg, Calif., one of the named plaintiffs in a huge sex discrimination suit against retailer Wal-Mart

(Submitted by Abi )

there's plenty of spice over here, trust me......

(Submitted by susie )

Dear WalMart, please be nicer to all those women who work at your store or we might have to take action, we have got a lot of materials here in our toaster box and some highly intelligent types who would not be hard pressed in creating some powerful weaponry. We also have some white globes, and plenty of provisions,Pre-cut Carp, Mt. Dew etc. so don't think you can starve us out.

(Submitted by Abi )

*standing behind susie, in Lara Croft combat-type gear* Yeah, Wal*Mart - the Wal*Tarts (and guys) are standing firm!! (Sorry susie, was that a bit aggressive?)

(Submitted by Chiqca )

*standing behind susie & Cakes, angrily waving a mushy nanner at the evil Wal*Mart establishment* Don't make me use this AIM N FLAME. Watch out susie & Cakes, I'm not sure I can control this thing.

(Submitted by Andre )

Now Chiqca, you can't hide your multisystem behind a slutty white t, you know. It's *ahem* far too obvious, even in this light.

(Submitted by lieu )

multisystems are apparently prone to uti's.

(Submitted by Chiq )

Rumor has it that ANTI ITCH is very effective on a MULTISYSTEM with a uti. Andre, is my MULTISYSTEM really that *ahem* visible? Good, then this slutty white tee is working perfectly.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

Ve haff vays of making you treat us EQUALLY! ::arming self with firey BBQ PCS and black leather cat suit::

(Submitted by Abi )

oooh, black leather catsuit - very nice.....BB will go mad!

(Submitted by sex, flies & videotape )

i hear the reverand affirmative action jackson might even show up for the cause. oooh, i'd like a tape of that.

(Submitted by Succedanum )

see, women have several thousand years worth of being downtrodden to make up. so watch out, guys, cuz we're ready to step up and take our places as rightful rulers of the free world. especially at wal*mart

(Submitted by traditionalist )

Betty, relax. It's just a job. It's not like a real job that matters, it's just WalMart. Take what they give you, it's probably too much anyway. Those guys you mention have families to support you know. It's not some part time I-wanna-make-some-fun-money work to them. Don't you have some dishes to do before dinner? Drop the suit and get over it. Have another baby. Take some maternity leave. Take some time off to take a kid to the doctor. Bitch one week a month. But get over it. That's the way life is. It's been that way forever; you women just recently started complaining about it. We give you lip service, but give it a rest for chrissakes.

(Submitted by susie )

Take that ,Tradionalist! *wadding up a dri-bottom with some pot soil and Mt. Dew * *lobbing it over the side of toaster box in tradionalist's general direction* (Aim not very good)

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

*mmm, black leather catsuit* Oh Mrs Peel, we're needed!

(Submitted by D'ye ken John Peel in his coat of grey )

Twirls brolly, doffs bowler, jumps into Aston Martin, remembers it's early closing for Bank Holiday, says "sod it" and goes down to the Pig & Whistle for a pint of whelks and a bowl of complimentary cocktail onions.

(Submitted by buschic )

Hi man this place hasent changed! lol hmmmm a battery.......

(Submitted by buschic )

Hi man this place hasent changed! lol hmmmm a battery.......

(Submitted by Jen )

Hi guys! Love the page, very original, lol. Please check out my site and sign the guestbook: www.envy.nu/chiku/welcome.html

(Submitted by lieu )

traditionalist, you should be ashamed! don't you know that today's women are perfectly capable of doing the dishes immediately after dinner?

(Submitted by Habib )

And wot with them having smaller feet, they can stand a LOT closer to the sink.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None! Let her cook in the dark.

(Submitted by wotson, i need you. desperately. on the kitchen floor. )

how many light bulbs does it take before a blonde has an idea?

(Submitted by Abi )

Why does it take a woman with PMT 5 hours to cook Sunday lunch? IT JUST DOES, OK!

(Submitted by lieu )

pmt? present microwave technology?

(Submitted by Wal*Fixture )

Pert Mammary Tips?

(Submitted by Mellow Yellow )

Pre-Modern Tupperware?

(Submitted by Abi )

no, silly - Purely Menial Tasker.....

(Submitted by dr. strangelove )

pre-ministerial theology?

(Submitted by Abi )

proboscis monkey trainer?

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

parsnip mangling tendencies?

(Submitted by lieu )

prime minister thatcher? because dennis keeps draining all the cooking sherry.

(Submitted by susie )

Pretty Melon Toes?

(Submitted by Joe )

I'm glad yall are joking around, women's rights is certainly something that shouldn't be considered seriously! Oh, surely not! What would happen then, the world might live up to the ideals it claims, or something equally horrible!

(Submitted by you guys' mothers )

Hah! I put lead paint in your meals growing up, so i guess we're even!

(Submitted by Pinto )

Check the planters, Mom. And remember Scruffy, dead at 4 years...(that's 28 to you) Dad taught us well...Now, go make me a turkey pot pie.

(Submitted by BotfromBalmain )

*flicking a whelk shell at the cloth-cap next to me* Mother, Emma Peel has been acting kinda strange...

(Submitted by Pinto's mother )

Maybe he did teach you well... He's gay and I only married him for his money, but i think your gayness and anti-women feelings were something you were born with, not passed down. Your father never could teach anyone anything besides how to puke on himself after drinking too much beer with his "partner".

(Submitted by Abi )

Pretty Melon Toes...I like that one....mine are currently silver. I just wanted to share that, thank you.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

Hey Abi! My fingernails are silver today! Perhaps we should go inside the ENVELOPE together? *wink wink*

(Submitted by Chiq )

Hey, we'll be having none of "that" in the ENVELOPE, germy. That's just the kind of thing that goes on over in the CEREAL BOX, tho, so you might try taking your kinky silver toe/fingernails over there. btw, my toes are bright pink!

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

Chiq! My toes are also bright pink.. I guess you could say I go both ways today!

(Submitted by Habib )

ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Submitted by Abi )

Habib? You ok? *waving my silver toes at everyone*

(Submitted by Habib )

...need...more...FACIAL TISSU...pushing...the...ENVELO PE...must...get...to...BABY BATH

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

Rub a dub dub Habib. Three Chiqs in a tub! (or CEREAL BOX, if you insist)

(Submitted by Chiq )

Habib, toss that nanner into the BABY BATH, would ya? Us girls need a bath toy.

(Submitted by Abi )

I can't believe lieu's missing all of this....! Does anyone need their car washing?

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

that BABY BATH does make those nanners slippery, doesn't it. Make sure you're not using one that works on BATTERIES

(Submitted by lieu )

i missed nothing. monkey see, monkey spank.

(Submitted by Rocky Montaine )

Let's visit Royal Engorge on vacation this year!

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

It sure beats Lake Titicaca

(Submitted by Casual Pecs )

There once was a dyke named Wendy, who had a young girlfriend named Sindy. She thought she'd found her match, in her partner's lovely snatch, until she sampled the prick of Henry.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

I once saved my whole town by sticking my finger in a dyke!

(Submitted by lieu )

i had to call home once and tell my wife i'd accidentally cut off my whole finger in an accident. she asked which one and i told her "my hole finger." she said "i know your whole finger but which one?" so i repeated "my hole finger."

(Submitted by Sparky )

Good thing she's not too kinky...you coulda lost your whole fist...

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

If I was your wife I'd be asking you to repeat that 'hole finger' thing all the time.

(Submitted by hairy carry )

holey cow!

(Submitted by Jango )

just don't get nailpolish chips in my sandwich or beer and we'll be okay. I hid the envelope, so it looks like either the cereal box or my house.

(Submitted by poo sticks for protection )

You gotta go when you gotta go, and if it's first then so much the better.

(Submitted by Betty Cockder )

Just leave the seat down or my PMT will last for a month.

(Submitted by Stu Pedasso )

I always leave the seat down...and give it a BABY BATH every time I piss.

(Submitted by Reindeer of the Apocalypse )

Did you know that at the bottom is says "add a comment"? Do as it says, fools! Two comments in 24 hours, possible the same person, that's ridickulous!

(Submitted by Krisssssstal )

Anyone on here reading this from seattle washington and wants to hook up with a 18 female.. email to ket15_@yahoo.com.. Please

(Submitted by Heinrich the evil reindeer )

Donner und blitzen! I vas in Zeeattel last veek - vy do der sorzzy reindeerz alvays shtay avay? Izz it meine toot- brrush mooshtasche?

(Submitted by Andre )

Chiqca, I definitely have a nit itch that needs some anti itch, but you won't mind, will you? And it won't stop you getting up close and personal with my nanner, will it? After all, Dal's not around to give it some battery loaded baby bath treatment. But, um, would you all mind just moving the minxiness a little over that way (you too, lieu) so I can wiggle my butt down into the envelope with you? That's better, now Chiq, I know it's tight in here, but really, the high beaming slutty white t is making my eyes water, you wouldn't mind pointing it over that way, would you? What? That's not you? Oh lieu, really, you look ridiculous sitting on chiq's shoulders in that condition!

(Submitted by Andre )

Oh, you're not sitting on Chiq's shoulders? Then whose legs are they behind her ears?

(Submitted by Andre )

Chiqca, I definitely have a nit itch that needs some anti itch, but you won't mind, will you? And it won't stop you getting up close and personal with my nanner, will it? After all, Dal's not around to give it some battery loaded baby bath treatment. But, um, would you all mind just moving the minxiness a little over that way (you too, lieu) so I can wiggle my butt down into the envelope with you? That's better, now Chiq, I know it's tight in here, but really, the high beaming slutty white t is making my eyes water, you wouldn't mind pointing it over that way, would you? What? That's not you? Oh lieu, really, you look ridiculous sitting on chiq's shoulders in that condition!

(Submitted by lieu pondering... )

if lance armstrong sat on chic's shoulders, which side wood he prefer his testicle be on?

(Submitted by Black ball )

Lance, you weren't suppossed to take me literally!

(Submitted by Richard Head )

Which brings to mind an interesting question. Suppose you had a 12 inch penis sticking straight out of your forehead. Taking into consideration the obstructed viewing angle perceived by the eyes, how many inches of the penis would you be able to see?

(Submitted by lieu )

probably none because some gal looking for a foot ball wood be wrapped around your cranium f*cking with your mind.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

Talk about using your head!

(Submitted by john merrick )

i know just how he'd feel!

(Submitted by White Guy )

What's a 12 inch penis?

(Submitted by Black Guy )

Whatza job?

(Submitted by Smart Guy )

What's a racist?

(Submitted by Shell answer man )

A black guy that runs fast?

(Submitted by Oscar Wilde said, true genius is its own reward. But he made sure his name was on the front cover. )

Our Derek, who art in Fargo, Dahlsad be thy name. Thy Visa be franked, Thy Volare be tanked, On the net as it is in ND. Give us this day our daily receipt, And forgive us our rude posts As we forgive those who post against us. Lead us not into K-Mart, But deliver us from Darryl Marchetta. For thine is the pot soil, The aim & flame, and the copmut. Always low prices Amen.

(Submitted by Succedanum )

amen

(Submitted by Chinko )

he never bought a copmuter. I'm flattered that my invention is being mentioned in the lord's prayer, but I would have said drybots. Good mockery anyway... Oh! Not a mockery? well, okay...

(Submitted by They have escaped the laboratory! )

Watchout! The drybots are coming to get me. They'll come for you next, so you better help protect me! Please derek, I pray, please help me. Prego! Your evil creatures have gone mad and will destroy the universe. You must stop them! Before it's too late! Drybots,and he has an entire hellish army of them!

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

gosh. I wish I had a copmuter. All those police officers do is flap their gums.

(Submitted by Abi )

wot's a drybot?

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

A droid who's out of lube?

(Submitted by lieu )

me thinks it's a used diaper that's peepee-free butt still has intact a steamer from hell. up north around fargo, when firewood is scarce they stack 'em like chordwood outside their cabins. unfortunately, sometimes the biologics break free of their absorbant coccoons to genetically mutate into forms that even darwin on acid would find incomphrehensable. we're afraid that our greatest fear has been realized... that edgar gutrumble's depends drybots might have been slapping uglies with matt kreigs to form an andromedan superstrain capable of global methanation. lord help us for uor lack of foresight!

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

my lack of foresight is just as a result of my family's religious beliefs. It was extracted on the seventh day.

(Submitted by heime beerstein )

well, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

(Submitted by lieu )

what did you do with that banana peel afterwards? like your first pair of shoes was it later bronzed? did you meke some nice luggage out of it? jeez, i've suddenly lost my appetite for calamari.

(Submitted by Joan Collins )

They make wonderful whistles. Please don't ask me how I discovered that.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

My parents actually made me some new eyelids out of it. Of course now I'm a little bit cockeyed.

(Submitted by chamelieun )

wow, so if it's been a long day you have to take viagra just to keep your eyes open? man, i'd think every time i put on eyeshadow i'd resemble one of those lizards that can look in two directions at once.

(Submitted by Sheerluck Holmes )

Elementary, My dear Mr. Head. In response to your earlier query, taking into consideration all factors, angle, and wotnot, I should think that you'd not see any of the penis, due to the two balls hanging over your eyes. Wot?

(Submitted by Abi )

germy - wot happened to your old eyelids.....just curious.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

::breaking down in tears:: You got me Abi. I'm a girl. I've never even had a penis....although I'd sure like to!

(Submitted by song l.rick )

penis, schmenis, let's cut the hole thing off.

(Submitted by Abi )

ah germy, don't cry - here come and share my silver nail polish...*patting germy's shoulder*

(Submitted by lieu )

silver nail polish... is that akin to a smooth pick-up line for seniors? maybe that's what matt used on eunice.

(Submitted by why won't you stab me? )

I like to paint my brothers' eyeballs with silver nail polish. They scream and scream and I get it all on tape for the horror movie I'm making. Maybe I could put you in my movie, abby.

(Submitted by Abi )

maybe if you spelt my name correctly......

(Submitted by tinturn abbey )

pick me! pick me!

(Submitted by @ your beck & callgirl )

bwow bwow bwow bwaa bwow, i'm a lieuser baby, so why don't you thrill me?

(Submitted by Noah Graber )

Derek, thee needs to go shopping again. Even the Amish don't go this long without shopping at Wal-Mart. God Bless thy heathen soul.

(Submitted by Noah Graber )

We work in der fields, pray, shop at WalMart...we pray A LOT, and work der fields.

(Submitted by Noah Graber )

Me and thee will pray that the next receipt does not string out like this one. I blame the Budweiser guy, may God save his heathen soul.

(Submitted by Succedanum )

see? someone agrees with me that it's the budweiser guy's fault. damn those "whasssssup?!" ads

(Submitted by Sorry about this, but we have to jazz this receipt up a little - answers tomorrow )

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it? 2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it? 3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water? 4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear? 5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three? 6. There is a room with an open window. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die? 7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel? 8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 15 degrees C, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at -5 degrees C, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada? 9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th. 10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up? (hint... chim chimminy) 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field? 12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

(Submitted by H.A. Wizard )

I REALLY should be working, but here goes..1. Incorrectly 2. A quarter to two 3. None. (boat goes up with the tide) 4. White (house has to be at the n. pole, therefore a polar bear) 5. 3 6. Sloppy is a dead goldfish. 7. None 8. 15C (the other water is ice, both locations) 9. 12:34 5/6/78 10.Umbrella 11. One 12. Temperature.

(Submitted by Ty Wanon )

How 'bout this one: A man left home running, ran a ways, then turned left, ran a bit further, and turned left again, ran a bit more, and turned left again. When he got home, there were two masked men there. Who were they?

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

Hey Abi! I think we have the place to ourselves..all those pesky yanks have pissed off for some silly firework show. Lets make a few changes here. Lets see.. corgis loose in the parlour; a few grenadier guards in the window boxes; some cold porridge on the table for unexpected guests, and some smoky coke in the grate. There! Just like home!

(Submitted by BirchgroveBrainiac )

...and very good, Wiz! 11 out of 12! Question 8 has a bucket of water at 15degrees C, and a bucket (no mention of water) at -5. Therefore the second bowling ball will hit the bottom first, whatever the temperature or location!

(Submitted by Huh? )

What is this, Bill_Nye_the_Science_Guy? DEREK PLEASE GO SHOPPING!

(Submitted by Kukla, Klan & Ollie )

What's long and hard on a black guy?

(Submitted by Daniel C. )

The third grade?

(Submitted by Constance Cummings )

How many bedrooms does it take to camoflage a receipt?

(Submitted by Coach )

Ty, I believe that wood bee the umpire and the catcher...

(Submitted by The third grade!?! Ooh, that's mean! Funny, though. )

Either your girlfriend accidentally took the reciept home or you accidentally closed it up in the porno movie box. Either way, find both boxes, spread them, and search for the damn reciept. Seriously, just write what you bought on a piece of paper and then copy information from other reciepts! Or use whiteout on a receipt you already have and scan it in. It's been too damn long.

(Submitted by susie )

I think this may be the End of Life as we know it... no more receipts...no more Derek going shopping, the text all strung out like spaghetti... *rummaging for Prozac in the toaster box* * sadly piling up the Sparkl8rol tubes*

(Submitted by Lust E. Guy )

I'm considering an affair with K*Mart.

(Submitted by Fanny Artichoke )

Answer to question 12: a penis. This is the kind of thing that only a fanny would know. And don't none of you prudes say that only a British fanny would know that sort of thing, either. I've heard of a few Amish fannies getting up to all sorts of perverted tricks.

(Submitted by Abi )

Aaah BB, you really know how to make a cockney sparrer feel right at home, there's no mistakin'. 'Ere, plonk yerself down next to me on the ol' apples 'n' pears, while we wait for our US chums to stop playing with their fireworks.

(Submitted by U.S. Chum )

Abs, I'll stop playin' with the fireworks, if you'll let me play with your pear...

(Submitted by Abi )

Is that a rocket in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? (I know, groan......)

(Submitted by NYCFASHIONGIRL )

I SEE YOUR LITTLE GAME HERE AND I BRING TOWARDS YOU ONE QUESTION... WHAT DO YOU PLACE IN A CORNER AND IT CAN GO AROUND THE WORLD?

(Submitted by B&B )

'Ere, ere, me little darlin, 'ows yer billy lids? Are they outta the pokey yet? 'Ere, have a nice cuppa char! Take the weight off yer plates!

(Submitted by Did you know we are the cricket World Cup champions as well? )

... and forget that rugby malarky, the REAL contest starts tonight, with those world-famous cricketers turning out for the Ashes: Marcus Trescothick and Ryan Sidebottom

(Submitted by Abi )

cricket, cricket - wot's that then? I'm sorry BB, but you'll never sway me, there's something about rugby players thighs....but I digress.

(Submitted by Shecky )

Did you hear about the shoe salesman with a speech impediment, who was fired for trying to look up a customers "thighs"...

(Submitted by lieu )

who then became a d.j. that only played the greatest tits?

(Submitted by Chiquita )

*climbing sleepily out of the toaster box* Hey Derek, I found this 6/30/01 receipt in the corner of the toaster box. *fishing wadded up receipt from my pocket* Do you need it? No? Ok, I'll just put it back in my pocket then. *yawn*

(Submitted by Geezer )

A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"

(Submitted by Weezer )

Did you know that it's illegal for a man living in North Dakota to be buried in South Dakota?

(Submitted by lieu )

or to buried anywhere, for that matter.

(Submitted by Griever )

Did you know it's inexcusable that an insanely corrupt First Lady be elected in a popular vote to the U.S. Senate by a supposedly intelligent state?

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

:: puffing, out of breath :: i'm back...I'm back...I went to see Rammstein in Las Vegas on Tuesday and only now am I back to a normal, human state....

(Submitted by i believe it was socrates who said to the athenians... )

time to go for a new toaster?

(Submitted by lieu )

wot, las vegas isn't normal?

(Submitted by susie )

Las Vegas ...is that where ya nevah find the dance flor empty...I vote for a new toaster box,that N. Dakota guys be buried in WISCONSIN, that cricket be compulsory in third grade, that we all just get our groceries from the SHOP AROUND THE CORNER, and that even though some may like it hot I prefer Classical Music.......

(Submitted by susie )

Over and out, this Susie will self destruct in 30 seconds, bye Lieu Abi Dally, did she EVER say goodbye,Melon you were the greatest, Precut Carp, LexicOn, too many to mention, Chicq-oh-so-Russia- is-still-right-there-on-the- map,Freud,watch out for that compubank,Grasshopper, Germaniac, LJD,we did love you really,SuzinCal, love your style, NYFG great dress sense, Balmain Boy - love and kisses to the Lions...Derek and Derek's Dad , Emo and Not ,byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ee

(Submitted by never been in a state of anything but confusion )

New York isn't known for exceptional intelligence, is it? Maybe i missed something, but I don't think there is any state here in america that can be considered intelligent, we're american for god's sake!

(Submitted by Mikey from the corner )

Are ya leavin, susie, or were we supposed to?

(Submitted by Abi )

bye susie.....sorry I missed you......

(Submitted by lieu )

don't make us wake up, little susie, wifout you...

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

I think Susie's running off with Matt Krieg. We gals can't resist germans in positions of authority

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

or any other position, really.

(Submitted by missionary )

i'm trying to spread my position amoungst the natives.

(Submitted by Wal*Fixture )

I just read that some Independence Day revelers in Kansas City, Mo. tried to hide their illegal fireworks in the kitchen oven after neighbors called the police. Yes, in the oven. This crucial decision was then forgotton, at least until they tried to cook their next meal, at which time the house promptly exploded. Wasn't that bottle rocket scientist timmy from K.C.? Is there something in their water or what? Sounds like a good place for a Social Darwinism conference.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

that should certainly spark a discussion

(Submitted by t. n. teats )

who's that family, the lawauzos or something, that blows up all the old buildings? they probably never get to work there because all the k.c. mental midgets have already accidentally imploded everything.

(Submitted by Kansas City resident )

We are the lit fart capitol of the South.

(Submitted by Cincinatti resident )

Cincinatti - Come feel the smell.

(Submitted by Daniel C. )

OK, it's getting ugly in here again...how 'bout a nice little joke to get the weekend off to a good start...A man was landscaping his yard and decided he wanted a statue. After perusing the local statuary, he decided on a statue of a cat. He asked the owner how much he wanted for it, the owner replied “I’ll let you have it for $50.00 as is, or if you want the story that goes with it, it’ll cost you $200.00.” The man bought the statue for $50.00 without the story and headed for home. Along the way, he noticed that some cats had begun to follow him. And more, and more, and more cats until finally he was completely surrounded by cats. He set the statue out in the yard, and still more cats continued to congregate around it. Finally, in an act of desperation, he grabbed the statue, headed for the nearby river, and threw it in. Mysteriously, all the cats followed the statue into the river, and they all drowned. Perplexed, the man headed back to the statue store. “I knew you’d be back” said the store owner. “would you like to have that story now?” “no” said the man. “I just wondered how much you wanted for that statue of Martin Luther King.”

(Submitted by Detroit resident )

Black sheep power!

(Submitted by trying to be as childish as certain others but failing miserable )

uhhh, detroit is like, uhhh, dumb.

(Submitted by Doodle )

but thank gawd it ain't new yawk.