Visitor Comments:

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

This is just so exciting! I can never leave you all now that I have met you. You mean so much to me.

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

Dilliance, sweety, you made me bite my fingers and break into a sweat with that last glimps into your Wal-Mart world of love and lust. Very happy for you and happy to know that that must have been a wonderful feeling. --- Happy Father's Day to all those father's out there and wow what a day to celebrate. A pen, to no doubt sign the card, a battery to operate a father's day gift? and a white globe to represent the world after a nuclear winter....or in case a light fixture happened to get broken during a wild rhomp with Dilliance.....hmmmmmm

(Submitted by John Rocker Jr.)

Look Dad! A white globe!!! Just like we always talked about!

(Submitted by Dad)

Gee, thanks son. I really love the WM P TWL 3PK, and you can never have enough PROP ROLL WP's. Can't wait 'til your birthday.

(Submitted by Tiger Woods)

Hey! I just won the US Open at 12 under par...I kicked everyone's ass. My mom takes me to a Buddish Temple once a year. I have a lot of trophies, a lot of money, a great bod, class, etc. oh wait...whatintheheck did he buy??? Mmmmmm...a white globe is sort of like a golf ball and Buddah knows I OWN golf!! John Rocker....sorry about you being born a loser. Tough break, Dude.

(Submitted by Andre)

How the hell, just how the hell do you guys get to comment on these things so fewking fast??!!!!! No fair, no fair, price check on counter cards. I mean, I was here only last night, this receipt wasn't even here!!

(Submitted by Tiger Woods)

Hey! I just won the US Open at 12 under par...I kicked everyone's ass. My mom takes me to a Buddish Temple once a year. I have a lot of trophies, a lot of money, a great bod, class, etc. oh wait...whatintheheck did he buy??? Mmmmmm...a white globe is sort of like a golf ball and Buddah knows I OWN golf!! John Rocker....sorry about you being born a loser. Tough break, Dude.

(Submitted by Derek)

Actually, Andre -- this receipt has only been online a little over an hour -- I'M impressed at the speediness of the commenters!

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hey, Derek was just here!! HI DEREK!! *waving arm in the air repeatedly* and HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO YOU!!!

(Submitted by Stefan)

Thanks to you Derek, I now read people's receipts whenever possible, and occasionally sift through their garbage. I will sit here until I get a receipt FIRST POST. Gyaaaaah. *goes quietly insane, never to be heard from again* My bets' the card is for father's day. Hail to the fathers.

(Submitted by Andre)

Hey look everybody, I got a reply from GOD! Oh Derek, don't leave me now, you don't know how long I've waited for this moment, you are my shining star, my beacon of light, my everlasting *sounds of struggle and desperate gulps of air as Dalliance and Andre fight it out tooth and claw behind the dental plaque removers*

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hey Tiger, you're repeating yourself; we heard you the 1st time. And Andre, I'm right there with you. It has become my mission in life to get the first post on one of Derek's receipts. I know it's not much to strive for, but I have humble ambitions. And Derek, I'm beginning to think you have a Counter Card addiction. Can Wal*Mart get into any kind of trouble for being your supplier?? Where's melon today? I miss his confusing ramblings.

(Submitted by Andre)

I don't believe this, there are actually people out there, they are reading this, it is happening as I speak, this is better than checkout cam, I tell you, this makes me feel so special, I'm gonna turn off the batteries and see if I can find myself without assistance for a change, look momma, I'm walking, where's Susan Dey when I need her???!!!!

(Submitted by I am not an animal)

Hey, do you think Dalliance will make a reappearance as Tiger Woods tonite? Just imagine it, Derek, Dalliance and Tiger together...in the same virtual room...tugging it out in aisle 7...it makes me bleed, but in only the nicest most socially respectable way (and carefully supervised by Jerry Springer's security guards).

(Submitted by Iva Nuthawun)

Can someone explain how Dalliance (aka Tiger Woods) got two identical comments on this page, one before and one after Andre? Has this woman got special powers or what? And Andre man, I like your style, but your sick dude, sick. Derek, are you still out there?

(Submitted by Stefan)

This is the world's largest trip. And what's this I hear about a checkout cam? Are we going to have this whole virtual store monitoring system going? Sitting around looking at receipts like the guys in American Psycho do with business cards, contemplating whether that tin being slid over the laser is dented for hours on end? I hope so, and I will embrace that Brave New World.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hey, I just realized that we have not heard from melon or Dalliance on this receipt... Dal-baby, you're not out carousing around with melon in Target, are you???

(Submitted by Andre)

Chiquita, don't worry, she dallied in the moniker Tiger Woods back there. She's such a sneaky devil, she could trick almost anyone don't you think, I just chortle whenever I think of it, *chortle chortle chortle* makes me laugh till my racing lizard goes purple.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

But Andre, how do you KNOW it's Dalliance? How can you be sure??? Maybe it's just someone who wants us to think they are Dalliance... I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm as confused as melon now.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

*furrowed brow, worried expression on face*

(Submitted by Andre)

Dalliance, that reference to Derek's home page back on the last receipt doesn't work. Are you trying to hide something from me? You wanna keep Derek all to yourself? We'll see about that; see me behind sporting goods tomorrow night, before reconciliation and after price check training (*sorry sorry for taking up so much space today sorry*)

(Submitted by Andre)

Chiquita, I believe everything I read, and when I point my little clicker over Tiger Woods' name, Dalliance comes up, bright as a daisy. Man, that gets me reaching for the facial tissue.

(Submitted by Andre)

Just had a thought: isn't that white globe a little expensive? (*snivel grovel for taking up so much space snotwipe dribble*)

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Oh Dalliance! I feel so deceived. I never would have thought you could do something so... so... *stuttering to find the right word* Why would you try to mislead us so??? I thought we could trust each other. Now I just don't know who I can turn to... *big crocodile tear forming in corner of eye*

(Submitted by Andre)

Don't worry, Chiquita, just borrow a facial tissue or 5000 from Derek.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

*multitude of crocodile tears streaming down face in complete utter despair* Derek, could I have a facial tissue, please.

(Submitted by Andre)

Derek: "No, but *fumbling round in toaster box* you could have a white globe if that'd help."

(Submitted by Chiquita)

*sniffling & wiping nose on back of hand* Derek, only if you can tell me what the hell it is, first.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

I must go weep uncontrollably into my pillow (a Wal*Mart smiley face roll back special with Derek's picture on it) now. Dalliance, I hope someday I can trust you again. I feel so betrayed. Derek, could I have another facial tissue, please. *sob sniff*

(Submitted by Andre)

Derek: "Here, I'll write it down on this counter card. I don't want the whole world to know."

(Submitted by Andre)

Derek: "By the way, Chiquita love, do you admire the handsome pen I wrote that with? Rolls so well on rough or smooth surfaces."

(Submitted by Andre)

Derek: "Chiquita my sweet, you're getting ahead of yourself, I can't keep up with your constant demands, one minute it's facial tissues, the next the answer to all the world's mysteries. You must relax, breathe deeply, merge with the world, be at one with it, you don't need to be constantly at war with the world, yourself, and your emotions. Oh, and by the way *scratching his nuts absentmindedly* could I have the fucking pen back? It cost me $2.97."

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Sorry Der, I accidentally inhaled & swallowed the pen while sobbing uncontrollably during my fit of anguish over Dalliance's betrayal. I'll send you a check for $2.97 plus tax just as soon as the paramedics finish up with their paperwork here.

(Submitted by Andre)

Derek: "Chiquita, I don't really want to have to mention it, but, um *popping sound as finger is removed from rectum* I can't find the white globe either. You wouldn't happen to have put it somewhere? Hmm?"

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

I apologise to those who wanted to be first to write on here, but do not doubt that i chreish the honor. I cannot believe Derek was here! I wish I had been on to say a personal hello. I do want Dilliance to make an appearance though. *shiver of anticipation running through me* I need the next installment, I HAVE to know how the electronics department setting directs the action--Did i mention that I work in the Electronics dep. of my wal- mart? So exciting!

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Ahhh, now that you mention it... I'll make that check out for $2.97, plus $1.94, plus tax... The paramedics say I may need to go to the hospital. Please, do not be alarmed everyone, I'll be ok. Really. And I'm not even planning to sue anyone over this little mishap. Let's all just pretend like it didn't even happen. Ok? Ok.

(Submitted by If you are happy and you know it clap your hands)

Andre, though you excell in imagry, it is disturbing to say the least. I LOVE it! -- I am so bad.......

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Ok, bye everyone. Goin' for a little ride in the ambulance. They said they'd even let me operate the siren. Wheeeeee!

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

Chiquita: you are in my thoughts, hope you pass through this ok, or it passes through you ok, or ummm.. well, nevermind. Good luck.

(Submitted by Andre)

Derek: "I hope the surgeons remember to unplug the battery. It really can cause a nasty shock when the positive electrodes come in contact with surgical implements. Mind you, I am rather impressed, Chiquita, that you could fit it up there, personally my eyes are watering at this very minute *eyes wincing and becoming moist* but it does kind of get my pecker up, if you know what I mean *nudge nudge wink wink reaching for the 40 quarts of oil*"

(Submitted by Andre)

Derek: "Hmm, Chiquita, and I thought it was just you, me, the white globe, and Andre, alone here, to ourselves, fumbling with marked down gadgets from aisle 7, while Matt Krieg looked on, hidden from Dalliance's prying eyes (ooh she can be such a bitch, I can't believe her mood swings, buy her a foam pad and she just wants a 24 pack of toilet tissue, a mean mother she is)"

(Submitted by There once was a girl from a small town who fell in love with a web site that posted wal-Mart recpts and the nutty things that people said on that site and that was good- she also was a bit wordy, but so were some other people ot there so it was sorta ok and they accepted her--me, yeah it is me, so PLEASE accept me, I NEED to be accepted!)

hello *blushing like mad*

(Submitted by Gabrielle)

I hope you had a good Father's Day, Derek. :)

(Submitted by youareallfags)

Can anybody be any more of a loser? You guys copy walmart receipts and make comments on them, your all fags, that is all.

(Submitted by Andre)

Hello There once was a girl from a small town who fell in love with a web site that posted wal-Mart recpts and the nutty things that people said on that site and that was good- she also was a bit wordy, but so were some other people ot there so it was sorta ok and they accepted her--me, yeah it is me, so PLEASE accept me, I NEED to be accepted! *his bowels loosening in embarrassment and releasing a deadly cocktail of noxious fumes*

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Hey, how come you Americans have such shitty biscuits? Oreos are so ordinary. Perhaps now you've bought Arnott's you should consider lobbying Wally World to stock some better biscuits (oops, sorry, cookies, you confuse me with all your crazy talk).

(Submitted by melon)

hello and happy christmas people! first, i want to say im happy the white globe of power and wisdom is in good hands. next, i need to tell Mrs Campbell, that Oreos are ordinary if you eat one, but eat 1,000 and you get so sick its almost a religes experince. p.s. our prayr is with Chiquita, may she rest in peace.

(Submitted by melon)

who wants ice cream????

(Submitted by Randy)

OMG!!!! A new receipt, and only 5 days after that last one, we are truly blessed to live in this day and age. (Is there a rehab center for this particular fetish anywhere?) Dalliance, I *swear* to you... I've never looked at Kathy Ireland with lust in my heart (it's been in other places) TTFN

(Submitted by susie)

H&G

(Submitted by Andre)

I knew it, I knew it, I knew you'd all come back, my little heart squeezes in joy against my ribcage, my bladder distends, my brain begins to burst, I'm all aflutter, I think I need an apono bulb to calm me down, medic, medic, take me to aisle 6 on the double (but stop off in aisle 4 for the great bargains on infant tyle, marked down from $2.97 to only $2.74, we sell for less at WalMart), and polish my stilettos while you're at it.

(Submitted by I am not an animal)

Ah, I get it, Dalliance and Sweet Princess and John Rocker Jr. live on the east coast, Randy and Susie and Melon live further west (perhaps on the west coast, to allow for a more reasonable hour at which they might be surfing the net). Your big wide wonderful land is so replete with surprises.

(Submitted by I am not an animal)

...and fuck knows where Chiquita and Andre are doing it from! perhaps some soft upholstered room lit with the gentle refracted light trickling down through the spreading greenery covering the barred skylight, accompanied by the lyrical wailings of the inmates as the burly guards lay their rough knobbly appendages upon their supple pliant and ever so slightly resistant bodies.

(Submitted by uglymullet)

Derek, you gotta be feeling special ...

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Good morning everybody..*rubbing my eyes with two little fists and smiling sweetly*

(Submitted by Dalliance)

HOLY APONO BULB!!! What in the heck is going ON???? What??? DEREK was HERE!!!!!! and then, wait I'm confused..he did something to Chiquita to make her go to the hospital,,,,gosh, I sure hope she's okay. CHIQUITA!!! Derek, the Derek, was HERE!!! and right after my accidental second Tiger post. YES, that is right I was Tiger...he played a stunning round of golf yesterday. Then he called me from Pebble Beach and asked that I post for him so I did. Did I do wrong?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Derek, called me a prying bitch? *lower lip quivering* Chiquita, I am sorry about deceiving you I will never do it again. Oh - I feel so torn- probably much like yourself Chiq-baby only in a different place. Hi Sweet Princess *waving*. Mrs. Campbell, I have to agree, you Brits make some swell biscuits. Andre, as soon as I have my coffee and eat my usual breakfast of rusty nails, me and you are gonna have a little talk. Randy, honey, TTFN? Help me. Iva, why yes as a matter of fact I *do* have special powers. Look deeply into the white globe and I will tell you your future...oh wait...perhaps that's not such a good idea at this juncture. Derek, I can't believe...*quivering lip* I am crushed. And man o man, I can't believe all the tattle tales around here. "Dalliance is Tiger, Dalliance is Tiger,,nanananana" I need to go mediatate. Question to self: what would Tiger do? *lighting incense and pretzeling into funny position* oooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmm

(Submitted by melon)

today, i was walking down the street, and suddnly, a small bright white globe came rolling towards me. it stopped, and looked at me. than, i said:"Damn you, you stupid white globe! burn in hell!!" and i pulled out my gun and shot it. its time we stop these darn white globes from taking over our planet.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

melon, honey, did you take your little white pill yet? Don't forget now, okay? Remember: Make Love Not War

(Submitted by Charlton Heston)

Just remember, Mr. Melon, that if Al Gore gets elected president, your right to carry firearms and defend yourself against these ne'er do well white globes will be taken away from you. Long live the NRA, you bloody baboons.

(Submitted by shecky)

A piece of string walks into a bar...

(Submitted by melon)

and said:"hi im a piece of string, yet im at leagel drinking age". white pills? i dont need em. i got me a battry and a pen. long live the NRA - protecting ignorant civilan's right to carry powerfull assult weapons in public since 1698. clear!!!! bwaphhhha.

(Submitted by susie)

Derek is an alien and WHITE GLOBE is a message (Go, he blew it!) to other aliens, possibly golf balls, who were planning , as Melon so rightly remarks, to take over the world,and now they will leave and come back in a mutated form , maybe dri- bottoms, pre-cut carp who the heck knows, maybe HUGE golf balls, I've always thought golf balls are way to small to be able to have a sporting chance of actually hitting one with those no. 7 niblicks etc..........

(Submitted by shecky)

...dejectedly, the piece of string goes outside and sits on the curb.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hey ALL. I'm out of the hospital, so you all can stop worrying about me (I know everyone couldn't get a wink of sleep last night). Derek, the wonderful surgeons were able to retrieve your pen and white globe from my insides- and they are only slightly worse for the wear. I'll package them up & mail 'em ASAP. melon, have you been forgetting your therapy sessions, again? Dalliance, I forgive you. Just don't let it happen again, okay?? *sending big bear hug to everyone*

(Submitted by Dalliance)

*sitting down on the curb next to the dejected string, putting my arm around it* What's the matter, little fella, you look a little frayed around the edges. Talk to me...bars are knot the answer. Here, have a Swedish Fish.

(Submitted by shecky)

...a passerby approaches, and the string requests that he unravel its ends, and tie it up like a pretzel.

(Submitted by melon)

that string sounds like it has some big problams. im glad im in good mental health, and that i am a normal functioning part of socity. must follow the orders of white globe... white globe is my god, he is wise and knows all.

(Submitted by shecky)

...the string then proceeds back into the bar. The bartender says "Aren't you that piece of string I threw out of here a few minutes ago?" The string sez...

(Submitted by corregation orrification)

knot me!

(Submitted by knot shecky)

Nope. I'm a frayed knot.

(Submitted by knot your usual girl)

So, this Toaster Box walks into a bar...

(Submitted by corregation enumeration)

Are counter cards legal in Vegas?

(Submitted by knot your usual Toaster Box)

Bartender sez "what's your pleasure?" Toaster Box bangs her corregation on the bar and says...."Give me a slot of the hard stuff....and make it a double"

(Submitted by corregation pontification)

and the bartender asks her "upper crust or pop tart?"

(Submitted by nyutb)

Bartender lines 'em up. Box sez..."A toast...to the receipting rainforest"

(Submitted by knot your usual pop tart)

hehehe pop tart....good one!!!

(Submitted by corregation rumplefication)

3 hours and 27 minutes later, the corregated toaster box, smiling slyly, slides out of the bar and sits next to the string on the curb. The string asks "do you have any entanglements or would you like to get all wrapped up with me?" And the still grinning, just opened toaster box relies...

(Submitted by corr)

"that's relies with a p"

(Submitted by pop tart)

Only if you promise to tie me up and give me a pretzel

(Submitted by corregation tittilation)

The twisted string sighs "Logical, you toaster boxes always want me to dangle some enticement in front of you. Whatever happened to good 'ole cheap candy. You're bound to make me threadbare, at the end of my rope, a broken piece of ex-twine"

(Submitted by corregation - the only texture a box should wear)

Then the string began to ruminate... My first toaster was very Victorian with ample cutouts. Push on plug, turned fitted handles, wooden legs just liek Mom's. Her bottom also sported the motto "The trademark known in every home." Memories...

(Submitted by I've tried to ignore it but it's driving me crazy.)

CORRUGATION

(Submitted by to thine own self be blue)

My misteak. Hay, 10 out of 11 i'snt two bad. Guess I'l leve dis cite and go get me sum spellin lesions.

(Submitted by The Big E)

Elvis was my friend.

(Submitted by corregation eradication)

So this country girl from Alabama goes to a New York University...

(Submitted by WalFlower)

gets toasted, and moves back to her trailer.

(Submitted by WalFlower)

teaches everyone proper English, and moves back to her trailer.

(Submitted by WalFlower)

becomes an English/English interpreter for the U.N. and starts wearing a beret.

(Submitted by Harper Lee)

What do you call a 5 pound bird in England?

(Submitted by nuttinhoney)

experiences the chilling effects the harsh environment has on pretzel quality and freshness in northern climates and immediately returns home where pretzels substitute as camera tripods.

(Submitted by poundthis)

Camilla?

(Submitted by steak and kidney what?)

Spread Eagle?

(Submitted by WalFlower)

an Irish feast?

(Submitted by Thames (sp?))

Charles' lap pet for bumpy roads.

(Submitted by Obvious)

Two Kilo Mockingbird.

(Submitted by juicy fruit)

a big hummer?

(Submitted by WalFixture)

So this guy is dallying with the idea of becoming a professional toaster boxer and...

(Submitted by Muhammed)

...he couldn't get the gloves to fit on the toaster?

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Round one goes to Muhammed. Dalliance, feel like playing a round?

(Submitted by Terry)

Dalliance, feel like playing around?

(Submitted by Terry)

hehehe Two kilo mockingbird. I'm sorry, but that one killed me!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Okay....*walking out with steel-toed Wal*Mart boots and a bad attitude. Slowly, scanning the crowd with piercing steel grey eyes* Now, then, PEOPLE, somebody think they want a piece of me??? HUH???? BUT, *she says holding up a finger despite the 'I Survived the Bed-Stuy Annual How Low Can You Go Picnic and All I Got Was This Lousy Set of Brass Knuckles' set of brass knuckles curling comfortable in her fist*, nota bene: search back in your memories, if you will, to those times Derek purchased but ONE Wal*mart boot and ask yourself this simple question (lest you find out too late) why only ONE boot...and how does one go about losing only ONE boot? Because, I HAVE AN ANSWER FOR YOU!!!!!!!

(Submitted by Laughing Terry)

Y'see, a kilo is roughly 2.2 pounds, so TWO KILOS is actually about 4.4 pounds. But for the sake of the joke, it was rounded up to 5 pounds. Damn, that's funny.

(Submitted by Wal*Chef)

White Globe Deliciousness One package (16 ounces)Oreo cookies, crushed Three packages (600 grams) Jacobs Lemon Puff biscuits, crushed One jar (454 grams) Chiver's Gooseberry Jam One jar (32 ounces)Kraft Marshmallow Fluff Mix crushed cookies and biscuits with jam until well blended Form into Globe shape (If mixture seems too loose, add more crushed biscuits and crackers, one at a time, until easy to mold) Spread Globe with Marshmallow Fluff If desired, etch outline of world nations into fluff, then add appropriate paper flags to each country etched Chill for three hours or overnight This recipe is so easy and involves no actual cooking! It is the perfect dessert for a "why can't we all get along?" party! enjoy!

(Submitted by Muhammed)

I float like a butterfly Sting you in your pants You want a piece of me Come on, Dally-ance

(Submitted by Wal*Chef)

White Globe Deliciousness... One package (16 ounces) Oreo cookies, crushed... Three packages (600 grams) Jacobs Lemon Puff biscuits, crushed... One jar (454 grams) Chiver's Gooseberry Jam... One jar (32 ounces) Kraft Marshmallow Fluff... Mix crushed cookies and biscuits with jam until well blended... Form into Globe shape (If mixture seems too loose, add more crushed biscuits and crackers, one at a time, until easy to mold)... Spread Globe with Marshmallow Fluff... If desired, etch outline of world nations into fluff, then add appropriate paper flags to each country etched... Chill for three hours or overnight... This recipe is so easy and involves no actual cooking!... It is the perfect dessert for a "why can't we all get along?" party!... enjoy! (updated after i noticed my hard returns were being ignored, [Derek could you look into that?] for those who might have thought that frosting with marshmallow fluff was optional, indeed it is necessary for the "white" globe effect! not to mention enhancing the deliciousness!) ENJOY!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

What? No reaction? No nothing? *stomping foot and walking away with pouty face*

(Submitted by Rodney)

Can't we all just...get along?

(Submitted by John Holmes)

a long what?

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

I am not British.

(Submitted by Andre)

I still reckon that white globe is a little expensive. Maybe super halogen for the hooch farm he's been setting up.

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

Hi Dilliance! Glad you are ok chiquita, i was worried, things like that can get infected if not treated properly. Di, when did derek supposedly say that about you?! I will have to have a talk with him, must be the white globe's fault. That stuff is addicting and is prone to cause confusion and illusions, he could have been out of his mind. Perhaps a week in the white globe re-hab center would help. It is ok to admit having a prob. Derek, just get help!

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

I am an animal: you figured me out, I'm an east coast baby born and raised. I only wish I lived ON the coast, alas I am in the winding highlands. It is just late when i have a chance to check e-mail and catch up one the wonders of this wal-mart- world-O-rama of drama and funny stufs. Wish there were more here when i am though...lol

(Submitted by Diva)

well, can anyone tell me what a white globe is? Is it some kind of lightglobe? i would guess so, but you never can tell. and Arnotts was an australian company until campbells bought it out, changed all the recipes (gingernut biscuits are no longer so hard you have to dunk them before eating), and generally messed up something that was A Good Thing.

(Submitted by melon)

i got my report card today (its nothing like a counter card). here are some of my grades, read em and weeee... history:70 gym:60 art history:63 modern art history:50 painting:90 scultpture:70 math:82 literature:70 boy, im so smart.

(Submitted by melon)

i guess now that im done with the school year, i can look forward to two month of no human contact. its good to be me (its really not, so dont be me just cause i said its good). oh look, my mom said i need to get a life. thats nice. i live with my mom. i wish i wasnt 17. i wish i was 80. cause than ill be dead. not that i dont like life, its just so damn LONG - you know what i mean? dont worry, be a stupid white globe.

(Submitted by camilla)

I am not amused

(Submitted by Chicken Neck)

I remember a simpler time when the comments had some relevance to the receipts. I guess it's too much to ask to keep the unrelated banter relegated to a chat room where it belongs.

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Sorry it took so long to get back with you Dally (bowing profusely in your general derection (sp?)) but I had to reboot. E tu, Brutal clenched fist of copper and zinc? Me thinks maybe some shopper either cut in front of Derek in line or tried to swipe his receipt, but regardless a single, steely grey-toed digit wrap was firmly planted in said offender's backside, followed by a hefty one quarter rotation. Hey, it was either that or use ass knuckles on the guy. Pray tell rebellious boxer, what was the true skinny?

(Submitted by hunka burnin dove)

White global domination is an ignorant card game that uses a battery operated pen to keep score but since the world it represents would be such a pitiful, boring, monotonous place, it's sells for only $1.94. I believe it was a continuation of the more popular POLISH REMOVER series.

(Submitted by susie)

if I was a mummy melon i would be proud to have such a clever melon son.

(Submitted by melon)

gee, thanks.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

melon, I always knew you were one of those creative geniuses. Look at ALL those art-related classes. And trust me, life is not nearly as long as you think it will be. Take this from a wise "old" 30-year-old: the older you get, the faster your life goes by {currently, mine's whizzing by with such speed I can't even get a good focus on it... wasn't I 21 just yesterday?!?!?!?!?) As for your creativeness, I think you should do some sort of abstract painting with precut carp, facial tissue and oil, in Derek's honor. Then you can sell it at Wal*Mart, Derek can buy it & it'll be on one of his receipts. Wouldn't that be exciting?!? And Sweet Princess, thanks for caring about me *goofy sincere grin on face*.

(Submitted by WalFixture)

MEL, ON your next birthday pay attention to how much more enjoyable shopping at WalMart is than it was the year before. Life is generally like that too... I find that it keeps getting better as I get older. Jeez, I never would have been excited about POOP PANTIES at 17 but now I go home and tell my wife about them being on sale (also a '69er, Chiquita). And you'll find that the subject matter for your art expands exponentially as you begin to travel outside the world of your local WalMart to stores in different cities, states, and dare I say, countries. Just stay away from the U.K. WalMarts... they sell disgusting things like SHEPARD'S PIE (did you see American Pie???)

(Submitted by Dalliance)

I care too Chiq-Baby, and deeply...sorry I didn't say all those words that were in my heart but was busy defending my honor and heritage. And sorr-ry, chicken neck for the extraneous chatter but I *DID* mention the Wal*Mart boot thing. melon, so very, very proud. Sorry, Mrs. Campbell, my bad...I hear biscuits for cookie and I think 'Brit'....forgive my cultural faux pas. By the way, I just love "Neighbors"!!! Wal*Fixture...very nice with et tu and the lead into Brutal. :) I'm impressed, you win..afterall I'm a lover not a fighter. Sweetest of Princesses, Derek said that 'prying bitch' thing via Andre. I don't think Andre likes me very much. I've been thinking a lot about this pen/counter card thing. Who is he sending it to is what I want to know. And the pen: what color ink?? Blue, black, red?? Chiq-Baby, can you enlighten us, after all it was inside your innards. I love Derek.

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Oh yeah, and SHEEP DIP too! Smile Camilla... no, wait, don't, please God not again, noooo...

(Submitted by WalMart)

Nice to hear from you Dally. Hint: I dig YOUR style too. Still waiting with carp- baited breath for your soleful rendition of how Derek lost his shoe and why only one. That's another thing about that Brit diet; Dover Sole???

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Sorry, I was talking to a co- worker last post and brain- farted my name, which brings up a question... do most posters here do so from work or log on after hours to ponder receipts? O.K., here goes: A toasted Gold Gloves boxer(with steel grey eyes leaves the south for a New York education and ...

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Dal-baby, let's just say that pen no longer writes in a color of ink commonly known to man. I think y'all get the picture... *still wincing with a little pain from the surgery*

(Submitted by melon)

im a starving artist. i dont have dereks fancy visa, so i cant buy all this great crap- o-stuff.

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Tissues and batteries, tissues and batteries, tissues and batteries and yet, no mention of decongestants or flashlights.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Derek man, I'm trying to catch up. I notice that you paid more for your toilet bowl cleaner than your mouthwash a couple of days ago. Boy, I'll bet that's one minty fresh throne nowadays. Maybe it's even clean enough for Val to eat off of but if it's a Standard it's probably too high for him to reach.

(Submitted by matt)

Hello?

(Submitted by tail between legs)

It occurs to me that WAL*MART hasn't cared about the missing children in quite some time. Did they find them all?

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

hello

(Submitted by aha)

tissue + battery overbuying = one thing! FRANKENKLEENEX

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

Attention Wal-Mart customers and associates: We have a Code Adam, we have a lost child in the store, his name is melon and he is wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt with the teletubbies on it, he is very smart and nice. his mom is at the customer service desk waiting for him. ThANK YOU *no harm was meant to any melons in this statment.*

(Submitted by aha)

how did my post end up as someone's name? (cue twilight zone theme)

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

I'm not sure how that happened, but it seems our e- mail addressies even got mixed together. strange, *looking over shoulder for the eyes that arn't there and shivering with thoughts of government agents and ghosts*

(Submitted by aha)

must've been because i figured out derek's evil plan

(Submitted by curious but mellow)

Derek, I've seen that you sometimes buy kitty litter and poop pants on proximal trips. Which are you trying to train and which method worked?

(Submitted by If you're happy and you know it clap your hands)

poop pants are a modern miricle of the creative mind, never leave home without them

(Submitted by lilpiece86)

You people are just toooooo funny! I'm going to Wal*Mart this evening. Then to Walgreen's for a Hallmark card.

(Submitted by stacey)

My husband loves your site. Personally I am a Target fan but certainly respect your loyalty!

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Personally, I wear them every Monday due to our 1:30 team meeting. That day I'm the one guy who looks like he's retaining water. SCREECH... Derek, clean-up on floor 9 please, clean-up on floor 9.

(Submitted by Can Donovan and Asprin be taken at the same time?)

AH HA! Now I get it. The pretzel logic of several purchases is starting to coagulate in my feeble little mind, if nothing else through Brownian Motion within a small, confined space. POOP PANTS, TAPE, WIPES. Your p- panted cat has been licking off the cheap tape that originally came with the poops and you've replaced it with a kitty-proof variety. But before you could get to him/her/it, he/she/it scampered off, carelessly flinging little (but lethal) kitty land mines right and left, hence the wipes. The careless bugger. Pour some of that Nyquil you're so fond of in Frisky's dish and you'll have no problems reaching that feline fecate flinger in time, next time.

(Submitted by curious but mellow)

As a young'un, anytime I'd go to the store Mom would always say "Now don't Dally around." Just what was she trying to tell me and what have I been missing out on, lo these wasted years? Does this have anything to do with my voice changing or needing glasses? Would a trip to the, sorry, Hardware aisle have helped?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

DonovanAspirinPerson, not sure you are aware but Derek's cat is a direct descendent of Schrodinger's Kitty so, regretfully, your suggestion is null although not void. "Should I stay or should I go now?"" Wanted Dead or Alive", and all that. Dear Curious, no, I'm afraid it is much like Heisenberg said in his Uncertainty Principle... "The more precisely the POSITION is determined, the less precisely the MOMENTUM is known." Life is so funny like that.

(Submitted by dumass)

Huh?

(Submitted by curious but mellow yellow)

True, unless of course, as that Hi guy stated in his Uncertainty Vice Principle "If the position is determined precisely on a repeated basis then the momentum becomes apparent, in and of itself." Now that Schrokitty stuff, I've got to plead Brutal (hi dally) ignorance on that one.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Dal-baby, you got ALL philosophical ALL of the sudden. Have you been reading Plato's Dismembered Precut Carp? Here, have a Swedish fish to counteract.

(Submitted by still mellow but a warmer yellow, almost orange)

What, was this kittydinger thing the mother of all cats?

(Submitted by someone who worries too much)

Fargo, ND is having major flooding and what is my first thought? I hope Derek can get to Wal*Mart! Derek, please tell us you stockpiled some of that Scott's Soil you're so fond of and have been able to fashion some sort of bunker to keep your counter cards and globes dry. Old toaster boxes do not float! Get those receipts to higher ground!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Oh!! Hi Mellow (waving) Schrodinger's Cat is just a little goofy thought experiment having to do with the notion of the probability superposition of quantum states. I'd explain it but it would probably be really boring to the normal people. Hey Chiqua thanks for the fishy the one "HE" gave me, the one I've been clutching for 4 days now is getting a little...um.... superimposed. Speaking of superimposed...wouldn't it be, like, great to be superimposed on Derek's slippery wet body right about now? ...Hey, some toaster boxes do so float!!! *dog paddling furiously*

(Submitted by polack)

WOW! I didn't know about the trick of pointing at the posters name t see there email! Some are pretty entertaining. Now I have to review all the receipts and posts. The complete waste of time never ends. FYI, the battery could be of the military type and the pen could be for an animal to live in. The white globe IS a white globe though. No doubt about that.

(Submitted by Phil Deez Knots)

You people are freaking wild! wow! ...

(Submitted by walt freekin diznee)

it's a white globe after all it's a white globe after all it's a white globe after all it's a cheeeeeeap white globe (everbuddy sing!)

(Submitted by Randy)

Whenever you want to have that little talk Dalliance, just let me know, you know I wait for you each night by the Frito-Lay display (is that freudian or what?) And trust me my dear, no one but you will ever again bring me to the heights of joy we found in the clearance aisle. (Such CREATIVE use of stale bread...)

(Submitted by Randy)

Dalliance sweety... could you say "superimposed" again in that SPECIAL way you have?... my heart awaits

(Submitted by someone with something else to worry about)

I know someone who works in a Wal*Mart near me, and she told me there are HUGE RATS who live in the warehouse areas. They eat the dog food and cat food that's stored back there. Good thing the place is open 24 hours, or they'd be living in the "Seasonal" aisle with all the Valentine's, Halloween, & Christmas goodies when the lights went out. So, Derek, next time you buy some kitty food, look for teeth marks on the sack.

(Submitted by Diva)

so, what is the standard practice around here. do you all keep posting on the one receipt until the next is put up and then move on, or do you all check some of the ones further back regularly? just wonderin' . . .

(Submitted by Aunt Beru's lame chicken)

Geez, if all you interlopers would only read the previous receipts, you'd KNOW that the tape has nothing to do with the pussy (well, not THAT pussy anyway) and everything to do with Derek's girlfriend's monthly outpourings. It (the tape) is a substitute for filters, filter pads, foam pads, and 24 packs of WalMart toilet tissue, because Derek simply won't !#$!!@@# satisfy his girlfriend, pop into Darryl's store, and buy some Meds. What is the POINT of keeping track of all this if, well, you don't???????

(Submitted by I am not an animal)

Diva, this receipt has gone on for a MIGHTY long time, I must admit, must be close to the record (maybe the first receipt beats it, ooh daddy, yeah, do that again), but I do check previous receipts, add more, in my own sly, subtle non-negotiable little way.................

(Submitted by melon)

today i played a fun game. i woke up at 15:00pm, cause its summer. than i ate, than i watched tv for 5 hours, and than i went to sleep. fun, fun, fun. hey dalliance, you know i take advanced physics at school? i studid all that crap about quantum mechanics. i personaly like string theory, cause its like that story about the string in the bar. a string goes to a bar and moves around his multi- dimensional space...

(Submitted by Iva Nuthawun)

Omigawd! This receipt is getting out of hand. Hey everybody, Dalliance hasn't dabbled in a nom de keyboard just the once...I found a receipt, oh, between 25 May and 27 May, where she used the name "Matt Krieg". I think you know what sort of retribution this means......

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

They took the butter out of Kingstons, too.

(Submitted by Lugjugz)

I ate a melon last summer. It tasted yum yum. Sweet and juicy. It was shaped like a white globe.

(Submitted by Kory)

God I'm bored. Bored bored bored bored bored. I can't believe I've been sitting here all these months, every night, trying to come up with stupid half assed comments for these receipts. Thinking up all these pathetic names and bogus email addresses. Inventing fake dialogue across the web. It taxes my little cranium no end. I'm gunna take a tylenol and lie down in the crib.

(Submitted by melon)

yea Kory, lifes a bitch, isnt it?

(Submitted by buzban)

Melon. Mmmm, melon

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Iva...that is a blatent untruth...I've would NEVER ever fake Matt Krieg...somebody is trying to tarnish my good reputation. This is an outrage!!!!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

melon...that's great!! Do you know the one about the Mobius Band and the stripper?? Or this one: Niels Bohr walks into this bar and....

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Dear Aunt Lame Chicken, Obviously you aren't aware that Derek is a Plato of Pleasure, The Sam Walton of Erotic Grace, a Sensual Extremist of the first degree. I doubt seriously he would *ever* leave any woman unsatisfied. Certainly, if you had ever his pince-nezs ensnared in your halter top you would know this. I testify

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Sorry all for the repetition but 'sich is life' Randy, please..you are flooding me with memories...that night among the Yaffa blocks, yes, it was a beautiful moment...but admit it..the truth is you were just interested in one thing.

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Very good polack...battery in a military sense. But should that be the case you'd think they would have used PARAPET, which would have, of course, opened a whole new can of comments. I also doubt it's battery from a legal angle. Normally I have to go to Home Depot to get my senses assualted. Until WM includes a secondary descriptor on their receipts, I guess the battery question will continue to galvanize (sorry) readers here. By the way, glad to see Derek's POLISH REMOVER had no effect on you. Aunt beru, I liked your posts better the rest of the month...

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Maybe Derek bought the battery and forgot to get the assault that went with it.

(Submitted by melon)

i like the sound of the word "galvanize". if i ever have a son, ill name him galvanize.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

melon, that could present a problem if his name gets shortened to Gal. You see what I'm saying?

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hey, where'd not Emo go? Haven't heard from our favorite almost Elmo lately.

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Hi backatcha Dally (waving too). If "thought experiment" and "notion" = fantasy and "probability" = probability and "superposition" = a layer that exists underneath another was deposited there first, unless the beds were overturned through reverse faulting or overthrust (Geologist here), then you can talk to me about Schrodinger's kitty anytime. Oh, does it require a special kind of litter and does WM carry it? Which brings up another question... can't a cat's litter refer to 3 entirely different things? Did it have kittens, have something to cover it's poop pants with, or leave trash laying around??? How will Matt know what I'm really asking for?

(Submitted by WalFixture)

I agree Mel, he'd make a great alloy someday. And since Dally likes the sound of corrugation (a daughter???) you guys should hook up and electrify the local day care center with your nomenclature choices.

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Yeah Chiquita, you're right cuz otherwise it would have read ASS BATTERY. His head must have been somewhere else that day.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

WalFixture....you have a filty mind. I can't believe you said that in public!!!!! Talk about perturbation!!! Well, perculate on this Mr. Brownian motion. Sometimes I take my wee prawn on a Random Walk just to hear the Martingales converge. (Dear God, I hope no one else understands what that means!) *biting my knuckle again*

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Huh? ALL of the sudden I'm feelin' like I shoulda paid better attention in school.

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Not filthy Dally, just SCOTT SOILed. And if anyone else does understand, can they please explain it to me? I just got toasted. It's a line from Ode to a Grecian Heisenburg, right? *smiling and nodding politely*

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Let's see... Shrimp, get lost because I'm meeting with Wink Martindale? Geez, talk about shrinkage. Spare an extra kleenex, Derek?

(Submitted by matt)

Yo Derek, would you mind picking up a few things for me next time you go to the store? I need a BUTT PLUG to fix our leaking butter churn, a NOS PIC since our picture of Nostradamus is worn out, and maybe some nice CANT CRAP since our cantelope-colored crepe paper disappeared last week when we ran out of assorted WIPES. Oh, and some CRACK SNACK biscuits for that nice Mrs. Campbell please.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Walfix, *giggling* you are too much...close but no cigar...it was 'Ode to a Greasy Heisenberg' Wee prawn likes more than time-space equations confined to wink. Remember the Uncertainity Vice Principle? Yeah, now we're talking.

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Practice makes you purrfect, Dally.

(Submitted by Anon)

Ok guys, I think you should keep this a forum about the reciept, and not your own personal chat room. All of this random talk and chatter is just taking up space, and it's not really the focus of the site. If you want to start a Wal-Mart reciept forum somewhere else, that would be the perfect place for it. But I for one am pretty sick of wading through everyone's nonsense to find one clever note about the reciept. This is not your own personal forum for unrelated BS. Can we please get back to the receipts? It's almost as bad as that guy who kept posting the prologues of books! THANK YOU.

(Submitted by WalFix)

Point taken, humble apologies. Attention Matt, furrowed brow shopper with overly developed right arm needs BENGAY and MOUTHWASH on aisle two please.

(Submitted by matt)

i think anons been sucking the life out off dereks batterys

(Submitted by a non anus)

yea. somebody get him a white globe so he can lighten up

(Submitted by Anon)

Ok dudes, ah' dink ya' should keep dis some fo'um about da damn reciept, and not yo' own sucka'al chat room. WORD! All uh dis random rap and chatta' is plum takin' down space, and it's not real de focus uh de site. If ya' wanna start some Wal-Mart reciept fo'um somewhere else, dat would be da damn puh'fect place fo' it. Man! But ah' fo' one am fine sick of wadin' drough everyone's nonsense t'find one cleva' note about da damn reciept. Man! Dis be not yo' own sucka'al fo'um fo' unrelated BS. Can we please dig back t'de receipts? It's mos' as baaaad as dat dude who kep' postin' de prologues uh scribblin's! Right on! THANK YOU.

(Submitted by Anon)

Ok guys, ah reckon yo' sh'd keep this hyar a fo'um about th' reciepp, an' notcher own varmintal chat room, dawgone it. All of this hyar ran'om talk an' chatter is jest takin' up space, an' it's not pow'ful th' focus of the site. Eff'n yer hankerin' t'start a Wal-Mart reciepp fo'um somewhar else, thet'd be th' puffick place fo' it. But ah fo' one is purdy sick of wadin' through ev'ryone's fiddlesticks t'find one clevah note about th' reciepp. This hyar is notcher own varmintal fo'um fo' unrelated BS. Kin we please git back t'th' receipps? It's almost as bad as thet guy who kepp postin' th' prologues of books! THANK YOU.

(Submitted by Anon)

Ok guys, I think you shouwd keep this a fowum about the weciept, and not youw own pewsonaw chat woom. Aww of this wandom tawk and chattew is just taking up space, and it's not weawwy the focus of the site. If you want to stawt a Waw-Mawt weciept fowum somewhewe ewse, that wouwd be the pewfect pwace fow it. But I fow one am pwetty sick of wading thwough evewyone's nonsense to find one cwevew note about the weciept. Dis is not youw own pewsonaw fowum fow unwewated BS. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Can we pwease get back to the weceipts? It's awmost as bad as that guy who kept posting the pwowogues of books! DANK YOU.

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

Anon, dear, you must learn to go with the flow baby-doll. The items lead into almost everything we say ans so, that is the fun of it all. As for the earlier comment about rats in wal-mart, as an employee I can confirm that as pure truth. My store (#1217) had a HUGE one that was fabled to live in the back and vacation in garden center. We named him Brownie, and the little-bitty mouse in the shoe department was call squiky. Sadly enough, we fear that Brownie met a bitting fate due to a gang of cats that stay near the store to eat the dead fish they take out of the tanks in pets.... We all miss him so much.

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

Anon, once is enough! you are taking up all the space with all you comments, and you use of "slang" is really scary...Too many white globes for you young man.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Anon, here, have an APONO BULB *tossing with stunning accuracy in your direction*. I know that always makes me feel better when I get cranky (although, I have to agree with you with regard to the whole "string" conversation above).

(Submitted by susie)

He is not the same anon, the number of the anons shall be legion.......

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

hi chiquita. *wave*

(Submitted by corrugation)

HA, I was laughing to myself earlier at the thought of you doing to stick-in-the-pud what you did to that gal pal several receipts (Anon, that's "i before e except..." ring a bell?) ago and bingo, here you be!!! Nice touch.

(Submitted by If you're happy and you know it clap your hands)

I have a white globe. It is pretty. I like to lick it till i get dixxy, and the i take out my pin and write letters to the people in my head. I tell them that ass & battery is bad and t please stop.... yeah. white globe's are the best!

(Submitted by Chiquita)

HI SWEETEST OF PRINCESSES!!! *waving frantically so that people think I'm really weird* Now, what did you think of Derek's pen purchase on this receipt? I thought it was quite awe inspiring. I've never seen someone purchase a pen with such style & grace. [Have to put that in here to appease grumpy anon.]

(Submitted by If you've got the clap and are happy about it, don't be handy)

I always ask myself "What would Jack Handy do in this situation?"

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

Well, if you look at this purchase from a total unbiased poin of view I think it is easy to read in some nuances of urgancy and desparation, but to an experienced viewer the critque is simple: the impulse to write and communicate is a pulling force to someone like derek and the implications are numerous.......how's that?

(Submitted by If you're happy and you know it clap your hands)

I like jack handy. Jack handy is pretty. I like to lick jack handy till i get dizzy and then i like to lock my puppy in a pen, with a white glob... jack handy is Great!

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

ok, licking can cause chapping people, just be careful.

(Submitted by borscht me)

But you've got to admit that he did follow proper prick protocol by not practicing what he preached, unless I missed some brief(s) humor tucked away somewhere in that rant. bye. oh yeah, uh, are white glo beets better that the day glo variety? Will they give Andre more noxious gas?

(Submitted by lexic0n)

of course, if this _is_ some kind of art (and it may be), and if derek has not yet removed _any_ of the previous posts, no matter how dull or lame or weird or replete with non sequitir (and he hasnt), then i think that dalliance and her ilk (used affectionately, of couse) have found just the place. the discourse _is_ the content is the discourse, if you take my meaning. which just means that this site hasnt been about receipts in quite some time--and, of course, that is exactly all it _is_ about. make sense?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

I circumscribulated, please, everyone, forgive me. I don't want to be like the vampire boy.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

OMG..lexicOn!!!! You've read Derrida haven't you!!!! *hugging you madly, then holding you out at arm's lenght* a fellow PostModernist!!! Yay!! Okay, enough of that, Derek knows, we don't want to open *that* can of worms..but woo hoo, hey Chiqua-Baby, I have an "ilk". WHO KNEW??? Hey, let's talk about the hairy scar and that time Derek bought the Bath Set. Ya'll remember that? How about the mysterious 'Black Elisha'? Huh? and the Nite Time and Trojan purchase...weedoggie that was one receipt I'll *NEVER* forget!

(Submitted by Dalliance Contained)

I misspelled 'length'. I'm really sorry about being so chatty, receipters. I will try to contain myself in the future. I will. Try, I mean.

(Submitted by Randy)

One thing?... how can you think I was so shallow Dalliance? I swear there was nothing but lust in my heart... errrrrr.. well, I really wasn't trying to grab that last "1/2 price Special" garden tool helper set you had in your cart, really

(Submitted by Diva)

Mrs Campbell - say it isn't so! I haven't had a kingson for a while, but they were my faves. And they used to just melt in your mouth. mmmmmmmmm Why can't these stupid big companies who buy out others just leave things alone. And as for putting chocolate on scotchfingers & butternut cookies??? What on earth were they thinking. IANAA - thanks for the info :- ) I'll work my way slowly through the others

(Submitted by Paco the corndog eating poosay slobber)

POOP!

(Submitted by If you're happy and you know it clap your hands)

a counter card, to counter what? -- to ensure a win or change the plot. -- with globes of white, like lover's skin. -- and pens of might to wright again -- a battery of thought and reflex, -- added to this receipt to stir the complex....the complex derek...the complex dalliance...the complex chiquita...the complex melon...the complex receipt

(Submitted by If you're happy and you know it clap your hands)

methinks I licked my white globe and Jack Handy (see above) one too many times. =P *holding foot high in the air to attract the visitors*

(Submitted by Anonimouse)

This is the best website ever. ever. thank you.

(Submitted by Why do i have 1 dozen starving crazed weaels on my face?! AAAH!!!!!)

hello there..... after reading everypost on every receipt-that took FOREVER- ihave discovered the one underlying truth to this whole web-site- DEREK HATES SOUT KRAUT!!!!!! HAHA! you daft fools! you can never outsmart me! i am INVINCI.........hey buy me some happy pills i think that tehy are called prozac-they make me happy.....i must obey the white globe that is telling me to eat some corn and potatoes........must....go...t o.......slee......p......SNOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!!

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Not wishing to affront Anon (is that a line from Shakespeare?), I'm afraid to admit, Dalliance, that the ploy to sugarcoat the destruction of beauty has to some extent been successful, as we poor suckers don't particularly mind chocolate on our scotch fingers (I think Andre might have a thing or two to say about that). Admittedly, it has distracted us from the ruination of the butternut cookie and the kingston, but we pray that the consumer voice will be heard and these delights of mortal life will regain their former glory.

(Submitted by Iva Nuthawun)

I know no-one's paying attention to this, but check out 26 May 1998, the name "Matt Krieg". Go on, point your clicker on it. That's it, now read the magic name that pops up.

(Submitted by melon)

im starting driving class today. whope for me. maybe next time derek can get me some car related products. oh, i would say somthing about the other posts, but they are too damn long and complex, and since its summer i cant read nothing longer than the receipts.

(Submitted by Miss Ma'am)

6/22/00...4:33 a.m. Derek, dear boy, wherever do you find the time and( by a long stretch of the imagination ) talent to write all these comments? And, Tiger, is a Buddish temple a drug related worshipping site?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

God, If your happy, that poem really choked me up. And the foot in the air...Bravo Bra-vo I say!!! Mrs. Campbell, I can't begin to express my despair at the ruination of the Kingston, the scotchfinger & butternuts. My sympathies remain. Iva, are you plotting against me??? I never,ever forged a Matt. As if you, or someone else, could not have typed my addy in the slot, for it was not me. Melon, dude, break a leg!! Miss Ma'am..hahaha Tiger liked that one but he says: no way Jose, he just goes to rub the big guy's belly. Speaking of receipts...that pen, I really wonder the brand. Bic? ummm dang, I don't even know any other pen brands. Can someone offer suggestions for debate? Bic vs. ???? And what *is* sout kraut? Hi Sweet Princess, sorry about Brownie...that was sad, but I'm sure he had a very happy life. What the heck happened to not Emo..I worry.

(Submitted by I like Ferrets)

ok sorry bout that that's what happens when i post at 1:00 at night i think things that aren't funny are-but im better now i have gotten what i think is a good nights rest sorry....anywaay-yeah tiger- shouldn't it be a BHUDDIST temple-not BHUDDISH-just wondering. yes that was an awesome display of beating everyone in the field ill say this even though you are not really Tiger Woods.....oh and i meant sour kraut (sp?) dalli

(Submitted by Derek, your Webmaster)

due to popular demand (I give in to this type of demand quite a bit), I'm beta-testing a chatroom for you guys to be social in, without making other visitors read too many words....let me know what you think, I'll maybe stop in and visit once in a while. I know it's a sort of icky IRC-ish interface, so I'll try and come up with something better if it doesn't meet your approval.

(Submitted by WalFixture)

DEREK, really you Man??? I'm bowing profusely again in your general direction. Long live the king

(Submitted by WalFixture)

It did get a bit wierd yesterday but what anon must realize is that when a new receipt appears, everyone's attention is at first focused on the items and we do try valiantly to keep it there. It's only after awhile when we begin to fear adding injury to insult that Chatty Cathy raises her verbose head. Anon could easily move to the next receipt when his godly standards aren't being met or refrain from perusing those posters he deems un- spongeworthy. Anyway, the new site looks interesting and believe me, you'll have plenty many backers. I'd like to think it's what Brian Boitano would have done. Party on, oh pusher of golden carts...

(Submitted by corrugated jewels)

Dally's gonna go orgasmic! Well, one can hope.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Anon, we track all traffic to www.humongousasses.com, www.turdburglar.com and www.anon'swifenaked.com. Catch my drift, tinyrichard469?

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Mornin' y'all. *yawning very loudly* Derek, are you ever going to feed us with a new receipt. We can only go on about 4 items for a certain amount of time. I think we've reached it. Please don't make me beg, it's not a pretty sight.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hey, Dad, are you there? Look, in his own way, melon is telling Derek to change the oil in the ol' Jalopy (or whatever kind of car it is Derek has... I forget...)

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hey y'all. I just visited Derek's new chatroom & got to talk to his brother. You guys gotta go check it out!!

(Submitted by ashe)

uuggghhh....shaking...uncontrollably......pain...too...much...to....ugh...be ar...receipt...withdrawl........ugh....get the methadone......

(Submitted by someone with something to look forward to)

Woo-hoo! A chat room!! Derek, you really know how to get to us, don't you? (As if we don't spend enough time here already.) You are titillating us by giving us the means to congregate en masse in another forum. Bravo! Drop by and show off your latest receipt... any receipt!

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Does your brother approve of your heavy battery use? Will you rely on him to drive you to the store when you go completely blind?

(Submitted by someone who remembers the kind of car Derek has)

Chiquita, it's a Volare... whoa-whoa (that's probably the proper phonetic spelling, but y'all know what I mean)

(Submitted by someone who hasn't had enough caffeine yet)

Before anyone points it out (but in a kind way because that's the way y'all are), it's obvious that I mean to say: probably NOT the proper yadda yadda yadda...

(Submitted by i dunno)

White globe, hmmm. Only shows the countries with a dominantly WASP population? Seems it would be terribly easy to get lost. This isn't related to that Oreo thing is it?

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Do you ever put Dean Martin singing that song in your Volare's 8-track, roll down the windows and cruise for chicks? Is that why you needed the trojans? I've found that an AMC pacer is better for bringing home stolen WalMart shopping carts.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

WalFix, is that cruising for chicks or chiquitas?

(Submitted by WalFix)

Even better. I'll leave the obvious second question unasked. Derek's just going to have to wonder.

(Submitted by If you're happy and you know it clap your hands)

I thanks thee my friend Dalliance. it is the inspiration of the magnimous derek and his white globe.

(Submitted by Titanic boy)

Good god, i think i shall wait until the next receipt arrives to participate is this wonderful script of life - but, when will Derek visit the brainchild of Sam Walton again? - it has been 4 days, and still no trips to lala land. BTW, i saw the white globe available at my local WM - very nice, and pretty. But... makes me wonder what the hell it's for.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hey, where's Dalliance today. Dalliance... Dalliance... *calling out with great urgency* We miss you, Dalliance... Come back to us...

(Submitted by used to have a productive life)

Activity log on these posts seems to indicate a sporadic interest in the morning beginning about 7:30 or so Central, slightly increasing until the end of lunch, and remaining fairly dormant until around 4:00 or so when it picks up dramatically. That's when I leave and by the next morning the receipt's posts have grown exponentially. Derek, could you either go shopping over lunch next time or take off a little early from work? I'm dying to bust the cherry on this next one. I wanna go medieval on it's ASS BATTERY.

(Submitted by hmmm)

to whoever posted as having "crazed weasels" on their face.... are you by any chance from.......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA aaaaaal bu querque?

(Submitted by WalFix)

"Whoso would be a receipt master must be red tag free. He who would gather immortal receipts must not be hindered by the name of quality, but must explore if it be quality. Nothing is at last warrantied, but the integrity of your own purchases." (apologies to ralph and dal) Okay, here she comes...*smiling*

(Submitted by hope they were for the cat)

You know, it's like when he bought MAXI SHIELDs one day and a week later went back for PLIERs and ULTRA MAXIs. I think he just waits too long between trips sometimes.

(Submitted by white car close to the exit.)

inside are large bags of dog food and ble fold up chairs...lets go to plant world, i go there sometimes too. HI how you doing.

(Submitted by Aunt Beru's lame chicken)

One could get a little hurt with the number of times one's name gets misconstrued on this site. And I agree with the others up there, no new receipt, and there's been no filter pads for ages, Derek's girlie/Dalliance/Terry's friend with the two mattresses or whatever she is must be getting cramps from holding her legs together. And OK, I admit it, I checked out Matt Krieg on May 26 98 (the things you do when you've been torched to a cinder and the only movements you've got left to you are a desperate clawing at the "back" button), hmmmmmm interesting.

(Submitted by Andre)

Local sport in my neck of the woods is to visit the local supermarket on a Saturday morning and watch the tribes of smack addicts wander the shelves with blank expressions on their faces. Like the first scene in Phantom Menace.

(Submitted by I lick your chats)

Where's the chat room?

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Eat more chats, eat more chats...with cheese

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Hi everybody!!! I was busy doing some busy-like stuff. Aunt Beru...for godsakes you gotta believe me...I am not, nor did I ever forge Matt Krieg's name..I've not even seen the gal-durn thing. And I was NOT at the Grassy Knoll that day, no matter what the CIA says and I am not the girl with the two mattresses...although, I did do that thing in the FBI van, but it was dark and Broadway was almost totally deserted anyway. Now, then. What's this about my legs?

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

hello, hello! We want a new receipt! hell no we won't go! *marching in very small circle and holding little hand-painted sign* teeheehee I really want another episode of as wal-mart turns starring Dally and Derek (hi Dalliance!) and I was wondering if Chiquita has fully recovered yet? PS: chats are yummy

(Submitted by someone who wanted a chat)

No one is ever in the chat room when I drop by. :-( Well, that's not totally accurate. Derek was there once and then he went away. I think I may have scared him. Does anyone here think that saying, "I will be your love slave" 64 times, in Finnish, is enough to scare someone? I don't think so!

(Submitted by I lick your chats)

I clicked on the link, and all I got was a blank page, and a link to the people who must have supplied the chat software. I like to chat.

(Submitted by Arnie)

BOOM BOOM BOOM KABLOWIE!11 SMASH SMASH TINKLE TINKLE Ha ha that scared

(Submitted by melon)

hey derek, i have already set up a chat room. nobody came really, only like two people. and your chat room dosnt really work. so maybe you can use your political influance to make http://mercury.beseen.com/chat /rooms/u/12285/index.html the offical chat room of dereks big website of wal mart receipts? please??? it would make me feel all fuzzy and warm.

(Submitted by melon)

p.s all of you here can feel free to support me on this. and remmeber - if it dosnt sting, its not a jelly-fish.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

As Derek strides ahead of me to eletronics, I find myself following, galvanized. My eyes superglued to his hot little glutus maximus (i just luv latin). To the land of beeping and buzzing I follow like a Swedish Trout to a breeding bed. Once I catch up I find Derek fingering a compontent. "Oh, man, I just love this aisle. "You know, Dal, I am very auditory, not to mention visual" He rasps as he runs his digit lightly over a audiocamera. He turns and winks. Was the wink for me or the camera, I'm not sure but I feel a swoon coming on. As I begin to swoon (or all places) into Derek's direction, I accidentally bump the electric strip, turning on half the aisle. The world comes alive as Derek catches me in his arms. Lights flash, cameras roll, and a CD of Jimmy Buffet (in Fargo of all places) belting out "Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw" kicks in. It is all to romantic to believe. And, then, when the personal body massagers (I personally recommend the Pollenex High Intensity 2000 model) buzz into action my world is complete. Derek looks deeply into my eyes and says, "Oh." I look deeply into Derek's eyes and say "Yes". I press closer to feel Derek's person next to mine. It feels *real**real* good. In my ear, I hear it again, "Oh, Dalliance!!* but this time there is an urgency that I have heretofore not heard. I rasp back. "Yes, Derek Oh, yes, Darling!! Tell me! Say it! Speak your passion! I want every recorder in Wal*Mart to hear! I want it on all on video! Oh Derek...I...wait should we get some of those pantyhose you like??" "Dalliance!" Derek's voice is full with a fervor even I had not imagined. "Yes, you're right, no time for that...go ahead you stud...talk dir..." "Dalliance," "Yes, you big WebMaster!" I pant. "Could you move back a bit there is a Pollenex jack-hammering into my right butt cheek." "Wait," I say smiling brightly, "I have an even better idea, let's just trade places" "My Heavens, Dalliance" Derek utters with a grin "You are a genius" Paradise is almost ours when, out of the blue, as if possessing some supersonic dog ears, as if we had been broadcasting our love on a loudspeaker thru the aisles of Sam Walton's Eden, who should appear but...........................yes, you guessed it.............................the eagle-earred SHANNON!!!!! (to be cont.)

(Submitted by Homeless Mouse)

I sure wish he'd buy a mouse pad.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Oh my, Dalliance-baby. Is it getting warm in here, or is it just me? So glad you came back... we missed your oh-so- special way of saying things yesterday. And to Sweet Princess, the doctors feel a full recovery is imminent. I'm just still walking a little funny & it hurts to cough (yeah, yeah, I know, I just won't cough). And to everybody, the chatroom worked great for me yesterday. I was looking for all of you there & only saw Derek's brother (Frank), Susie from France (a.k.a. bigbill), and lexic0n (who doesn't really say much, not exactly good in a chat room). Derek's brother is very nice. He lives in Texas.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Boy, we have some cunning linguists visiting WM. Can anyone inform me as to what battery size the Pollenex High Intensity 2000 requires and if WM sells them by the case?

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Is it true that someone tried to return the Pollenex High Intensity Vibrating Dildo to the mart since it cracked several of her teeth?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Dearest MY. No batteries needed..it *plugs* in.*very big smile* And Lieu Reed, I didn't *say* dildo!!! *blushing profusely* I said Body Massager...sort of like a minature version of a washing machine during that magical spin cycle...come on' ladies, you *all* know what I mean...*wink wink* I think it's call "Whirlpool Euphoria". Hey, who needs the Maytag Man!!!!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

And Mellow, I prefer to think of myself, not as a cunning linguist, but, rather a masterful baiter of emotions.

(Submitted by Chopper)

Wonderful site. You should have a "Best Of" list when you were forced to purchase things like PreparationH and Rainbow condoms.

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

Dalliance! You cunning little thing you. You have been holding out on us yet again, but I must admit that the waiting is the sweetest type of torture. "body massagers" are very relaxing and deserve respect, that is assured. lol I am sure they DO make battery powered ones though. Hmmmm battery--Dereks receipt--connection? I am not sure. Glad you are feeling better Chiquita and I hope you aren't stuck with the limp. Perhaps a "body massager" would help the healing.

(Submitted by Gidget)

Dalliance. All I can say is: wow! I have been waiting with bated breath to hear more of your continuing "adventures" with Derek. This is better than General Hospital. What will happen next? Tell us Dal....

(Submitted by Precut Carp)

So this master baiter walks into a bar...

(Submitted by Associate of the Year)

ATTENTION WAL-MART SHOPPERS!!!!! If it were a snake I wish the hell it WOULDA' bit you. And, NO, Wal-Mart does NOT have everything. And If you were sandpaper I haven't a damn clue where you'd be hiding. And all this carping about the fish is getting on my last nerve. I octopush yer face in. >:( .... Have a nice day.

(Submitted by Call me bob)

Is Derek married? he's bought a lot of women's items. Or he may just like wearing them, or is he a she? Has derek ever bought condoms? Or a stick of gum? Mexicans do that...

(Submitted by bob)

What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on a chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts in a toilet? Peanuts. What's nuts on your chin? You blowing someone!!! Didn't see that one coming huh?

(Submitted by RaverChick)

The price of fame has taken its toll, my dear Derek. Your tattered receipt hangs abandoned and ignored, festooned with gobs of chewed-out Bubbalicious, hastily scribbled phone numbers and someone's lost Little Kitty bag, pinned up between stickers for Brittany Spears and Ozzfest 2000. Once a sanctum of imagination and wit, now an AOL chatroom for the dull and the witless. Rock on, Derek. Farewell, Matt. The Double W's await.

(Submitted by If you're happy and you know it clap your hands)

i wasnt a white globe for christmas mommy. I promice to be a good girl.

(Submitted by Momma)

Pick up some paper towels on your next trip to the store!

(Submitted by kermit)

random question:what's the average age of a person on the receipt chat group. feel free to lie, but this is for posterity, here.

(Submitted by 27)

27

(Submitted by someone who saving a little for later)

Ok, I made it all the way from the beginning to May 24, 2000's receipt (took a few days but, hey, this isn't a race). But, knowing there can be long dry spells without receipts, I am saving the last few for times when I need a fix. YIKES!!! I just realized something... if *I* am just now posting comments on old receipts, that means others shall likely do the same. Which means I have to go back and do it all again (and so do all of you now. HA!). I think I'll start on that tomorrow... it is 2:28am and I need a nap. Good Night!

(Submitted by waiting in anticipation)

I just wanted to add something to this long running commentary. I just found this site yesterday and think it is cool. I hope Derek will go to walmart and get some stuff soon.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Dear RaverChick, God, I wish I was as cool and witty as you are. But alas, I am such the bourgoise and have become so dumbed-down and AOLized from my dull, witless life, that I find the inherent irony in the eroticism of stochastic processes and everyone's Wal*Mart all rather hysterical. Forgive me, Camus. Oh Jean-Paul Satre, I have sold out!! Truly, RaverChick your nilihism (look it up) and mature elitism is impressive. But perhaps, one day, you too will enjoy the pleasure of sex. But then, maybe not. What with it being so proletariate and all. Best of luck in your future pursuits. Just remember "Wearing black means never having to buy detergent." (which is soooooo mundane)

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Sorry, for the rant, all, but those "holier than thou" types just really annoy me.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Uh...it's me again...just wanted to add one more thing...I kinda directed that rant such that it was all about me. But, I also find melon's insights and Andre's imagery, Chiquita's surgical experiences (caused by receipt items, no less) and the ongoing Austrailian cookie crisis to be both bizarre and creative. I'm mean, how far can one go with an apono bulb and wimpy towels??? It's called, as lexicOn so asutely put it, creative discourse. Branching out. Let it be. Dixi. I need a nap now.

(Submitted by Me)

Derek, have you ever considered commiting suicide?

(Submitted by Missy)

Do you love ME?! Does anyone love me?

(Submitted by Kalessin)

no. Now go to hell you ugly ass skank and take this loser who collects Wal-Mart receipts with you.

(Submitted by I HAVE 1 DOZEN STARVING CRAZED WEAZELS ON MY FACE!)

avtually im from texas but i was listening to wierd al when i wrote that post- listening to weird al after 48 hours of no sleep- that is something that scares even me............................ .............................. ...............

(Submitted by I HAVE 1 DOZEN STARVING CRAZED WEAZELS ON MY FACE!)

hey kalessin-chill man have some prozac its good. ive been gone couple days and illl be here for today but then ill be gone for a week so dont post too much other wise ill have wway too many posts to read..........by the way-did we ever figure out what the white globe is?does it involve corn? is it on americas most wanted's list? is it a dog? is it a piece of creamy french cheese? is it a bug or aliens from another planet-we dont know now do we? and thus the saga continues....he that's a wierld al song.... a long long time ago, in a galaxy, far away, naboo was under an attack..... i thought me and qui gon gin could talk teh federation in to maybe, cutting them a, little slack.... but there response it didnt thrill us- they locked the doors and tried to kill us... but we escaped from that gas, and me Jar-Jar in Bosnas.....we took a bubble from the seen and we went to flee to see the queen- we all wound up pon tatooine- that'sl where-we found-this boy......OH MY MY THIS HERE ANAKIN GUY MAYBE VADER SOMEDDAY LATER NOW HES JSUT A SMALL FRY... HE LEFT HIS HOME- KISSED HIS MOMMY GOODBYE SINGING SOON IM GONNA BE A JEDI.....SOON IM GONNA BE A JEDI....ok im done now-oh yeah sung to "American Pie"- the old one not teh new crappy gay one by modonna

(Submitted by melon)

look, a flying giraf! you dont see that everyday.

(Submitted by Adeel)

what the hell is this? dude theyve got you on www.dailyradar.com, its at uhh.. http://www.dailyradar.com/peep show/2000-06-07.html go check it out, kinda freaky. You, my friend, have NOTHING to do. i thought i didnt have a life reading these receipts but, you, you take the cake...

(Submitted by Phil & Tappy)

Dude, this has got to be the strangest f*cking website we've ever seen. We came to GSP (ask a Kentuckian) on the same day you made this trip to Wal-Mart's. What the HELL is a white globe?

(Submitted by Kendra)

HEY- I'm not actually going to stop and read them..PS.... Do you actually thinmk that was tiger woods?

(Submitted by kutta)

umm... next time you're at wal-mart, pick me up a back of doritos, okay?

(Submitted by Hardware Associate)

A white globe is merely a decorative light bulb. It is globe shaped and available in 25, 40, and 60 watts in clear or frosted. The multi-pack is a MUCH better buy. Thank you for shopping your friendly 24 hour Wal-Mart. *fake smile*

(Submitted by Iva Nuthawun)

He should really invest in those economy fluoro light globes instead, you know, those energy saver things, where 5W = 60 and that sort of thing. Much more friendly on the environment. I know they're not really "globes", but then, Bill Clinton isn't really "democrat" either, really, is here, if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink *haven't the faintest idea what I'm talking about* I hate waste. That's why all those dri bottoms just make me crinkle up my nose like I've just heard fingers down the blackboard.

(Submitted by Iva Nuthawun)

...and what I really meant to say was, though the comments on this receipt have wandered all over the place, back and forth, boredom to tedium, hilarity to inanity, it feels like an old disco song, you know, like "The Hustle", it kind of starts off slow, seems to tum de dum along at a considered measured pace, then it starts building up, gathers momentum, explodes into some new dimension, then drops you back down somewhere new where it starts building up a new momentum. Gosh, the beauty of art, eh?

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Hey, I sincerely want to thank all you Americans for not mentioning hamburgers or bowling on these receipts. Though I am concerned that Derek hasn't bought a single pair of bowling shoes, but then, maybe that's what the single "boots" were masquerading as back there, maybe he's embarrassed about his bowling fetish and...oh sheesh.

(Submitted by WalFixture)

I came across a 69 watt WHITE GLOBE the other day that could be used in an AC or DC sockett. While my old fashioned lamp only uses DC, I understand these are quite popular in the more illuminated variety.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Bummer, RaverChick. So many synapses, so little positive energy. Me thinks it's time you visit the Pollinex and EverReady aisles.

(Submitted by J Love Hewitt)

I can't believe they already cancelled my TV show. I don't want to end up shopping at Wal-Mart!

(Submitted by Tevee Guide)

Obviously, you never SAW your show.

(Submitted by melon)

i was watching an old episode of "friends", as i have the whole bunch on VHS, and i was eating a sandwich, and i started laughing, and i chocked and almost died, i think i saw god. he said somthing about some stuff, dont really know. its a really crapy feeling.

(Submitted by WalFix)

Maybe the Hustle's beat explored groovy highs and dismal lows before eventually builing to a crescendo but was there anything more than three monotonous lyrics in the whole freaking song? I'd hope these posts might reflect a little more variety in an understated (or as yet undefined) manner, maybe more to the tune of Green Onions or Bonzo's Montreux. I'm certainly looking forward to a new receipt, at which point we'll all finally be Back in the Saddle Again.

(Submitted by susie)

Didn't god say anything about how bad your spelling is, melon?

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

hey melon, i choke and see god everytime i watch jennifer anniston too.

(Submitted by oxy moron)

Whatever the heck a white globe is, it's got way too much teflon and kevlar in it. Wish they'd figure out how to make a dern white globe that would break every once in awhile so he'd have to go back and buy another, plus some more really bitchin stuff, huh? I mean, if they can put a man on a big white globe dozens of miles from the Earth,... Hey...

(Submitted by shannon doherty)

J Love, you bitch. Your face was obviously just, like, way too symmetric.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Shannon, bifocal mirrors are on aisle two.

(Submitted by melon)

i was watchin' an old episode of "friends", as i haf th' whole bunch on VHS, an' i was eatin' a san'wich, an' i started laughin', an' i chocked an' almost died, i reckon i sar god, cuss it all t' tarnation. he said somthin' about some stuff, dont pow'ful know. its a pow'ful crapy feelin'.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Geez Mel, he was likely giving you the remaining 5 of the 15 commandments. Did you take any notes?

(Submitted by WalFix)

Dal, I'm headed over to WM today to pick up a new tool belt and wondered if you prefer boxers or briefs. Course, both types have the measuring tape thingy. Let's see, I wonder what Camus would do?

(Submitted by mersault)

derek, don't be a stranger.

(Submitted by melon)

there was some bit about spelling, but i told god to go fuck himself on that part. i spell like i feel. which is poorly. also, he said somthing about the white globe and how it holds the power to take acid without getting overdose. i think.it might have been about led zepplin. i kind of like jennifer anniston. hmmmm......

(Submitted by askin for a bolt)

If you're going to decry god and led zeppelin in the same paragraph then I'm outta here. Three words for ya sonny boy, "syrup of ipecac."

(Submitted by Chiquita)

melon, I would suggest you steer clear of lightning storms for a while.

(Submitted by Maraud)

I am filled with fear. Not that he's posting his receipts, but that there is an entire community living in the shadow of his Wal-Mart tickets. I shall attempt to blend into the background and observe them... Dian Fossey, 26/6/2000

(Submitted by hmmm)

i fell as if i watched his child grow up..this is beautiful man..

(Submitted by someone with a few Wal*Mart receipts...somewhere)

Derek, send me your mailing address. I'll send you some receipts so we can start a new page here, bud. You can use Paint Shop or something to doctor it up and make it look like you're still shopping at good ol' store #1627... or you can let everyone wonder where you went on "vacation".

(Submitted by mr satan)

first one to guess and reply on this page what mr satan is will get a pat on the back

(Submitted by Wal*Mart web robot v1.2)

After careful consideration and multiple review by our board of directors, the president of the united states, and many of the world's finest trained monkeys, you have been selected to receive a complementary pair of Dri- Bottoms! Visit out web site at http://www.walmart.com/ and use your ticket, number 81973437, to receive your free gift. Wal*Mart - We sell for less.

(Submitted by Pat)

Goody...I love piggy back rides!!!Wheeee!!!

(Submitted by Master Bates)

Derek, don't be a hero

(Submitted by Andre)

Does anyone remember whether Shannon Koch (correct spelling, note, I respect the Shan) was on terminal 7 or not?

(Submitted by Muff Diva)

Right here the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the sky is blue, and hey, what's that bright red flash on the horizon and that rising cloud?

(Submitted by I am not an animal)

For those desperate to keep commenting in the absence of new receipts, I suggest you visit 1998, it was a lovely year, very sweet, and it wouldn't mind getting a few more comments, it's very lonely and uncommented, you guys might even learn some things about Derek you never knew before.

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

Hello, hellOOOO.... How is everyone? Dally? Chiquita? Derek, has wal-mart made you mad, funds low, or just nothing to get? Hope all is all right with you all. Melon, did you get god's autograph? that would look nice above the mantel. Your spelling is just fine BTW, I think creativity that lacks rigid structure is in its True form.

(Submitted by There once was a girl from a small town who fell in love with a web site that posted wal-Mart recpts and the nutty things that people said on that site and that was good- she also was a bit wordy, but so were some other people ot there so it was sorta ok and they accepted her--me, yeah it is me, so PLEASE accept me, I NEED to be accepted!)

I wish someone cared enough about me to give ME a white globe. I got a kitten once, the neighborhood big russian blue killed it when it was not even a year old. it was sad. I try to hit the russian with my car, but for a fatty, it is fast. I need a hug. Will someone please give me a hug?

(Submitted by Andre)

I said hello to you way back up there. It gets lonely in the white room, doesn't it. But I like it when the men in white coats and big bulging biceps come along and say hi in their special way...

(Submitted by Sir Godd Botherah)

Melon, can you ask God to give back the shifting spanner I lent him last summer? I've got a few nuts I have to tighten on my bleeding Jesus doll.

(Submitted by EXTREME WALRUS JUICE!!!!!!!!!! RIDE THE WALRUS)

HELLO ALL! REMEBER: TRY OUR NEW EXTREME WALRUS JUICE! MADE OF 100% PURE FRESH-SQUEEZED WALRUS! RIDE THE WALRUS!

(Submitted by melon)

momy, i want to ride the WALRUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! give me, give me. i think its funny to say:"tighten bleeding Jesus's nuts." ha ha ha ha!!!

(Submitted by susie)

mr satan you are the evolution of the White Globe and pokemons are about to take over Dereks WM site. What is the evolution of melon....?

(Submitted by yes you are an animal, lord almighty, you're a little tiger...)

You're right, neophitic wanderings are rampant but if'n it's gonna happen (and it's going to) then all we stalwarts can do is embrace the deluge. Alas, I do miss posters that were aware of Camelotian POOP PANTIES and CAT LITTER, as well as the implications of their proximal purchase. Derek, we need a fix even worse than melon. The Peter Principal has raised it's insidious head (sorry). Sweet Princess and Chiquita and Andre and my most lovely Dalliance will otherwise be exposed to the same fate as the once ticklish elmo. Appease us. Spend 30 seconds by the monoxide-belching poop pipe of your bitchin' Volare, fling your cape over your shoulder and enter WM's hallowed halls, filling that golden cart with a cacophony of mundane crap. We'll all be the better for it.

(Submitted by edward r burrow)

NEWS FLASH - I heard from my Fargo sources, eh, that the reason Derek's not been shopping is because he was fired, for animal abuse. Seems he was caught spanking some monkey after his cheap- assed WM curtains fell when his diapered kitten climbed half-way up. Neighbors were not amused. Apparently there were Volare magazine ads and empty motor oil cans spread everywhere around him, as well as a half dozen used wipes. The fate of the monkey is as of yet undetermined but it's been reported it was living entirely on a diet of Swedish fish and went absolutely berserk upon seeing the 221 volt Pollenex Body Masseuse.

(Submitted by John Rocker)

Does anyone know if WAL*MART sells Kevlar vests?

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Worried about getting sent down to the minorities?

(Submitted by Johnny Rotton)

If you were to clear your throat while saying "Andres Gallaraga" would anyone notice?

(Submitted by melon)

i tuk a dump in my pants once and didnt notise

(Submitted by J Love Hewitt)

Hey Melon...How about you try that choking to death thing one more time. Maybe it will work out this time.

(Submitted by melon)

i once fucked some asshole who said he was me in the ass and i didnt notiSe. btw JLH, i love your show. im dead now.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

melon, i am growing concerned. Do you need some assistance? HEY, Ms. Hewitt, lay off the melon.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

melon, come sit over here with me, sweetheart and let me pat you on the head. I know it's hard going 10 days without another receipt, but we are going to make it. We are, we are strong!! Together we stand, divided we fall!! Long live Che!! By the way, does anyone know exactly what Che did and why he is on so many t-shirts??

(Submitted by Everybody)

Thank God.

(Submitted by God)

No problemo.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

*rolling eyes*

(Submitted by WalFix)

Bolivian born doctor that gave up medicine to better humanity. Became socialist revolutionary by, along with Castro, overthrowing the Havana based Batista t-shirt factory and proclaiming himself design commandante. Nihilistic bent was attempt to create a New Man, sans ego and pumped full of all- ferocious love. Executed at 39 through forced watching of I Love Lucy reruns while eating sandwiches alongside his then girlfriend, Momma Cass. You asked.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Derek, as you can plainly see above, we are in desperate need of help (i.e. a new receipt with at least 10 items). Please, don't let us go on like this.... I'm begging... I just can't take it anymore *sobbing into a big slump on the floor & begging for mercy*

(Submitted by a concerned citizen)

felon melon, i don't worry about your spelling near so much as your lack of a vocabulary. brighten up, bud. ULTRA MAXIs and PLIERs are on the way.

(Submitted by repeat offender)

Disposable diapers are stored in silos in rural areas to use in biological warfare. I'm sur my funky butt son has his own silo, since he's superpoppery stinky.

(Submitted by Dalliance (that's right it's me again))

weasel-faced boy can you please attach any extra weasi to that joe mamma person who is misrepresenting it/himself as me and reproducing my posts in affected dialogue. It's obtuse (i love that word). No wonder Derek doesn't want to come around anymore. *trying not to tear up*

(Submitted by Webster)

ob toos' n. condition of person who takes Viagra, and gets taller.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

You're finger painting van Gogh.

(Submitted by Webster)

That means your a DICKHEAD, fake Dalliance. Can't you be thinkin' for yo'sef?

(Submitted by copernicus)

Obtuse angles are of between 90 and 180 degrees (that's southeast to you and me) and of blunt inference. Don't be soundin' like no Viagra I'ze evers heards of. No suh.

(Submitted by wall stud)

Ran into Heather Locklear in the electronics department of the Eau Clair WalMart this afternoon. After demonstrating use of the Pollinex 2000 (Degas model) and helping her to Monet, she asked if we could Gauguin. We parted only when she asked if I could help her find the Louvre. Seurat once, I said. She made quite an impression on me.

(Submitted by wish i was there too)

tee hee

(Submitted by austin powers)

YOU STILL HAVENT BROUGHT MY PENIS ENLARGER PUMP MAN AND I FOUND A WALLY WORLD RECEIPT BETWEEN MISS SHAGWELL'S LEGS...WHAT'S GOING ON?...HE HE HE..THROW ME A FRIGGIN BONE HERE PEOPLE...

(Submitted by MATT KREIG)

you have my personal phone number...-tears- why dont you ever call me, you know im the only one who managers your reciepts. If you cant call me why dont you ever talk to me when you come into the store. And who is that other guy I keep seeing you with. Thats it no more managing your reciepts I thought that we had something but its ok I will go on and I dont ever want to see you again....ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah h ahahh...fuck you

(Submitted by Miranda)

If Derek died, I'd send his family a ham. But not a GLAZED ham because DAMMIT!!!! I'm not made of money!!

(Submitted by Iva Nuthawun)

Get off the white globe, Matt.

(Submitted by Andre)

You know, whenever I read "the white globe" I always think of that KLF song, you know, the whi-i-i-i-i-i-te room, do you wonder if Derek ever bought the CD, or did he only ever do NSync?

(Submitted by susie)

No, mister Andre Previn, we never heard of that one....

(Submitted by WalFix)

I much prefer Cream's White Room which, ironically, has the firm connection to Derek and the Dominoes. "I'll sleep in this place with the lonely crowd Lie in the dark where the shadows run from themselves", remember? Wonder if'n our Derek's really a modified Eric too... Maybe Eric the Read???

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

fake dalliance, your lack of an identity, or rather your refusal to accept your own, makes me suspect it's your own personal angst and embarrassments that are pouring out in you false posts. get yourself a strap- on and leave our tender Dalliance alone. her candle is outta your reach buddy.

(Submitted by Webster)

Maybe you should go visit my Momma. (caps, dumass) Sounds like you could use some p*ssy.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

People are getting a little testy here in the receipt room. Can't we all just get along??? *lower lip quivering*

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Miranda, your generosity is refreshing and contagious. Would you care for a pony?

(Submitted by Webster)

Is that a court ordered thing, or can the animals just not stand the smell?

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

hi chiquita. love the phonetic implications of your name. take a walk on the wild side of the kitchen appliances department with me sometime?

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Lieu, phonetic implications? I'm not seeing it. Please enlighten me. As for the appliances aisle, it's a go as long as Dalliance & Derek arent's already there. If so, we'll have to move to electronics or maybe gardening.

(Submitted by pocket fisherman)

fake poster, your a lure is limited to being a bass turd.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

For all the spelling police out there--- STOP!! I know "arent's" is not a word. It was merely a type-o. So sorry. (Not to criticize the spelling police, I happen to have my badge in this profession, too.)

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

chiquita, two syllables, right? actually, i saw dalliance near the camcorders yesterday when walfix and heather were going crazy with the cheese whiz. she followed him out to his amc pacer afterwards and also asked if they could just get along. gave him a toaster box full of huggies, to boot. gardening section, eh? my beds don't need any hoeing but maybe we can trim some bushes. derek, your plants need feeding in the worst way, bro.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

you misunderstand, chiquita. dally was draping olive branch leis around walfix's neck and passionately screaming "You're the king, you're the king!" i think seeing he and heather together awoke something in her. we've not heard from the real dalliance yet today so i imagine she had something to do with that pacer being back in the automotive bay today getting it's tires rotated. washing machines, eh? sure beats doing the small loads by hand.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

OK, People, Listen Up!!!!!! I have an announcement to make: EVERYBODY STOP IMPERSONATING DALLIANCE!!!! I am very gullible & I get tricked every damn time. Please, you don't want me to have to go back into therapy, do you?? WELL, DO YOU????????

(Submitted by Webster)

Sorry fellow receipters. Some attention craving buffoon has been stirring things up lately for whatever reason, and I have allowed myself to be used as a pawn in their egocentric little game. This site was not intended for such inane banter, and I humbly apologize to all who have had to put up with it. Especially you Derek, NOW GO SHOPPING, DAMMIT.

(Submitted by corrugated verb)

i once had a pony keg. my father gave him to me. he was a wonderful little pony keg.

(Submitted by Dalliance (the real one))

Chiquita and everyone...this is not me..check the email address. It's someone named Joe@Momma...of course now he/she will most likely resort to using other measures. Please leave me alone, Joe. I've not done anything to you. No, need to me a mean person here, there are enough of them in the real world. Okay? Wal*Fix, you know better I trust that I would never say these things...and certainly not in such a pedestrian fashion. JoeMamma, you are about to get your ass hacked if you don't back off, pal. And don't even think I can't do it.

(Submitted by Dalliance (real thing))

lieu, you're cracking me up! small loads..funny

(Submitted by Dalliance (r.t.))

But lieu, stop making up stories about me, okay. I don't want to have to pull on my steel-toed Wal*Mart boots. Hey Chiquita-Baby *waving*.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Dal-baby, I'm so glad the "real" you is finally here. *jumping up & down in uncontained excitement*

(Submitted by Kitti Momma)

I made it!!

(Submitted by WalFix)

It was obvious to mellow, lieu and myself that the false poster child lacked your wealth of mental resources and arch of back. Glad to see you back Dally. Missed you.

(Submitted by Miranda)

mellow yellow....if you are trying to pawn your sick animal off on it me won't work....sell it to the glue factory.

( (Submitted by in lieu of reed)

if'n pedestrian fashion means you walking all over me with stiletto hells then sweetheart, break out the nylons! matt demo'd a fishnet pair for me yesterday that had that thick line sewn up the back and they really went well with his raincoat.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Uuuuuugh! Haven't we had enough of the childishness? I'm outa here until you people can straighten up!

(Submitted by Chiquita)

just to be clear, I was referring to the [yet ANTOHER] fake dalliance. Sheesh!

(Submitted by Chiquita)

I meant another.

(Submitted by WalFix)

same here. sphincter boy's thefts are getting old. dally, see ya on aisle e.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

i'm outta here too...who needs this?

(Submitted by Ray)

Hey Joe Momma, grow a dick how about it?

(Submitted by they call me mellow yellow)

Miranda, would you instead be interested in a large, wooden badger?

(Submitted by Derek the Almighty)

God, idiots abound.

I've deleted most of what appearred to be fraudulent posts, mostly because it alters the continuity of the conversation, and it's not reciept-related at all.

Idiots love to try and wreck other people's fun, and due to the open nature of the site, I can't exactly add deep security measures to prevent it, so I can't promise it won't happen again.

Now that the morons know I can remove their comments, their tiny minds will probably see it as a challenge to add as much as possible, but the other infants who have attempted the same thing in the past have gone their separate ways. The wierdest thing is: why do they do it, when nobody thinks it's funny? Screwing up an open, security-free forum takes no effort at all, which makes them even LOWER on the totem than script-kiddie hacker wannabees. If they had any sort of intelligence, they'd be able to go screw up something that's password protected.

So, there's my two cents ;) Dalliance, baby, when's the next episode of your story coming out?

(Submitted by WalFix)

That's funny Derek. We're wondering the same. We've worked our white globes to the bone and need new fodder. Please use what melon so eloquently referred to as your "fancy credit card" and provide us with something else we can soil anew. Thanks.

(Submitted by Derek, your Deity)

Oooooh, okay, I'll build some suspense. The reason I haven't gone shopping is lack of money, but I get paid on Friday. So, sometime this weekend, boy, look out!

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Derek's my Pooper Hero.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Finally Derek has taken control. We'll forever be in your debt, O-Superior-One... *bowing deeply at your feet*

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Here dude, have mine... Visa # 1469 OU812 B4IGO. Run amok!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

*swooning into Chiquita's arms...eyes glazed over* Chiq!!!!!...He called me....He said..."Baby" Did you see that? *Here's the part where Chiquita fans my face and slaps me a few times to revive me* OMGGGGG.....it was DEREKKKKK!!!!! *squealing and giggling* I love him. I LOVE YOU DEREK!!!!!

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

I was trying to walk into WalMart a minute ago and busted my ass on the sliding door above. Dal, can you grasp my, err, hand firmly and show me the way?

(Submitted by Dad)

Way to take charge son. I'm proud of you. Now, change that damn oil!

(Submitted by Jimmy Joe Bob)

Yeehaa. Git ya sum o dat Olay oil next time derik. Gud for dates, ya noe?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Sure, Wal, but you'll have to help me up from my swoon first.

(Submitted by WalFix)

Derek, you'll have to get yourself a Dopeler Radar to protect yourself from idjut boy next time. I believe you already know where the electronics department is.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

What do you call that opening in the front of WalMart's boxers? Is that the circumvent?

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Come back, Chiquita. The ignoranus has been wiped clean. What was that definition of sarchasm? Something like "the gulf between an author of sarcastic wit and the idjut who just doesn't get it".

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Yaaaaaaahhhhoooooooooo!!! All is back to normal. I feel so much better. I love all you receipters (except the fakers) sooooo much! *eyes welling up, tears sliding down rosy cheeks* I mean really, I love you man! Dalliance-baby, I've known all along that you are the only one for Derek. I never doubted it for a minute.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

I got 2 new toe rings today. They are silver like my belly ring. Only my belly ring has a sapphire in it. Just thought I would mention it. Thank you for listening.

(Submitted by WalKnows)

I'm calling bullshit again.

(Submitted by Terry)

Hey Dal...have you..um...got the receipt??? We're jonesin' here.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Ter, no sorry, I got them from a street vendor - 2 for $5. They don't do receipts. The belly ring I've had for over a year. It was a lot more expensive but if you want I can see if I can dig up the receipt. Nawww....who am I kidding, I've never saved a receipt in my life. I keep them all in my head, ya know. So anyway, Derek and I snake our way over to the Garden Center. Der says he needs to check on a shipment of Scott's soil and I'm so dewey and askew from all the buzz in electronics that I trail him like Swedish ivy on a tall pole (tall pole???) yuck pooey..Te..r..r.yy...help ..am...fading...long...day fighting off.. b..ad..im... perso..nators. (mind giving me a lift on that big machine of yours?)

(Submitted by Dalliance)

I'll do my Tazmanian Devil impersonation!! *nodding quickly in an attempt to convince*

(Submitted by I am not an animal)

Do you think Shannon Koch would notice if I slipped in my lizard?

(Submitted by Andre)

I'm not even sure Dalliance would notice, I am not an animal!

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Would anyone like to dunk their Tim Tam with me?

(Submitted by Terry)

Unfortunately Dal, I have the Sears Kenmore Heavy Duty 70 Series with a seriously off balance agitator. I know you prefer the Whirlpools, but, if you don't mind slumming, the big machine is all yours. I'll even throw in my favorite beach towel for that extra special "lift". (Derek, I need film.)

(Submitted by Andre)

...and Dalliance, though I know you've purposely tried to keep me from Derek all this time, I have finally found his web page (you inserted an extra space in the address at the previous receipt, you cheeky saucy butt cheek clenching lizard hiding wench you). My, Derek, you are a handsome devil you, and so, well, Derek!

(Submitted by Randy)

*sigh* Dalliance, how COULD you?... were we just an erotic interlude on your way to the hardwood floor display? Nothing more than something to amuse you while they mixed your paint? I'm shattered, crushed. I hope you and *sob* Derek are happy together, but remember, we'll always have the shared memory of having used EVERY one of the attachments on the Hoover Deluxe Upright Vac.

(Submitted by Sweet Princess)

I have tried to wait patiently (that is spelled wrong, isn't it? LOL) for another reciept before I made another appearence, But the stress has been TOO much! Dally, Chiquita, Melon, and all the rest I missed you! I truely cannot believe that Derek was present. It ranks right there with melons close encounter of the godly kind. THANK YOU FOR COMMING Derek.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Terry-Goose, I meant your motorcycle...vroomm vroomm but the more I think on it...Randy, please don't try and confuse me. You know good and well that I was but one in a string of many K-Mart Kitties you petted. Hoover does make an excellent product, I cannot deny it, but, once again, the rumors of you and others (sob) froliking in the personal hygiene aisle, not to mention hosiery and stationary (which I understand you most certainly *were not*) were more than I cound endure. Sweety Princess Pie...woo hoo...I've missed you!!

(Submitted by Dalliance aka CyberMinx)

Andre, don't try and flatter me...Come on, (giggling and bouncing on toes...left - right) wanna have a bitch slap fight!!! I hear Derek's lizard has racing strips and I wanna be his Indy 500. Wow, 500 is a big number...okay...forget that....I wanna be his Talladega Raceway -(that's in Alabama by the way). Catcha yer nose *grapping Andre's nose and holding it between my fingers*

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Did Dick Trickle ever place in the Talladega? I always felt sorry for that guy. I mean, who would you rather be - Sterling Marlin or Dick Trickle?

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hey, anyone think ol' Johnny R. will stop at Wal*Mart on his subway ride to the game today? Maybe he needs to pick up a new baseball glove or a 6-pack of balls for the game.

(Submitted by sapphire)

I wanna see what Derek looks like, too! I've looked everywhere on this site. I need help.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

So anyway, Derek and I snake our way over to the Garden Center. Der says he needs to check on a shipment of Scott's soil and I'm so dewey and askew from all the buzz in electronics that I trail him like Swedish ivy on a tall Pole. (if you notice I try to incorporate our friend of all cultures..because "we are the world and all") As Derek saunters over to inspect the soil, I notice Matt Krieg approaches and speacks to Derek 'sotto voce'. Meanwhile, I spy a Wal*mart catus which intriques me, Although it's on sale -a Wal*mart Roll-Back Special- it is perched high on the highest shelf. I reach my well-tanned arms, arching high my back and standing high on my tip toes as my tiny white skirt (from the Kathie Lee Gifford Collection - not to worry, I checked for sweat stains before I bought it, since I am highly sensitive to matters such as labor abuse, but it looked just fine) rides up my thigh. As the gro-light from the African violets (nota: cultural inclusion) soflty silhouettes my Junoesque curves, I become aware the that my creeping skirt is revealing the creamy whiteness that my bathing suit had not allowed to tan. Oh just a little further and my fingertips will soon brush against the reticent cacti. I arch higher, my raisins pressing against my once snagged halter-top, reaching...and then I feel His eyes upon me like two apono bulbs weilding their full wattage. I go to resume my pre-cactus seeking position but faster than a speeding newt Derek is standing close behind me. I feel his body pressed against me as he reaches his strong arm up and over me. To steady himself his manly hand goes to my waist. He grasps the intriquing cactus as I feel the full measure of his manhood hard against me. "Is this what you wanted, Dalliance?" Derek asks coyly. "oh Derek...no..no.mmmmm." I pant "it's that one behind that one..mmmmm...the one with...*pant pant* the big reddish thing on top" Derek smiles a pirate smile and whispers in my ear, "Sure, Babe..I see what you want. Here?" He reaches even deeper and points "Like this?" "Ohhhhh, yes, Derek,,,just like that" "Ummmm" Derek growls tigerishly "a Roll Back Special" (to be cont.)

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Holy apono bulb!! Derek's gonna have to put an NC-17 warning on this site pretty soon if Dalliance keeps this up! Keep it up, Dal, keep it up!! *wink wink*

(Submitted by a turned-on WalFixtur)

Careful Dal, don't want my favorite writer to get pricked by a succulent. Now, about these raisenettes...

(Submitted by WalFix)

raisinettes, i know. hey, my fingers were trembling and one hand was busy.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Don't worry, Chiquita. This periscope's permanently up. Dive!! Dive!!

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

i like that word "dewey." sorta rolls right off your tongue.

(Submitted by forever your WalFix)

Holy cow, Dal, you silver- tounged priestess! It gets better every time I reread it. Ahoy, matey! There she blows! Shiver me timbers! I'm going down with the ship! I'll keep an aye aye out for ya.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

There once was a girl from manhatten Whose raisiny skin was like satin Her back had an arch to make a roman’s mouth parch That’s when I started speaking in latin

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

I once had a girlfriend named Sally We had sex far too often to tally But in the WalMart department of Gardening Where I was quickly hardening I caught myself screaming out “Dally”

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Shoot...I wish I had thought of the succulent and the prick thing, Wal-Fix. You are g-o-o-d!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

prickly I mean. I don't like to use dirty words much.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

If i may make a small redaction to the last episode of my Wal*Mart romantic fantasy..."full measure of his manhood" should have read "full measure of his personage." Thank you. Mellow Yellow...those are lovely poems...thank you ever so much.

(Submitted by you know)

He liked to be able to please her Using apono bulbs and a tweezer But once, in a snatch He discovered there’s no match For wearing only a Che Guevarra t-shirt

(Submitted by Mike)

Eh...ok...

(Submitted by my)

you're welcome dal. just trying to think outside the box, i guess.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Hey Chiquita, I was gypped. All I could find was a two pack. Think that's why Rocker runs out onto the field so funny?

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Lieu, if he runs funny, it's because he has no brain & it throws his center of gravity off a little. Hey Der, maybe you could pick him up a brain at Wal*Mart. Or maybe, being the Superior-One as you are, you have connections with the Wizard of Oz & you could get poor Johnny a brain there. Lieu, keep looking for that 6- pack!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

wow! Thinking to self- wonder if is there any box that could possible contain this man???

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hey Lieu, what would happen if we planted your periscope in some Scotts Soil & shone an apono bulb over it?? Would it grow?

(Submitted by Shittums)

Uhh.. Is anyone else thinking this guys visits Wal-Mart way too frequently?

(Submitted by mellow)

A Tinder one, preferably blonde haired w/ blue-gray eyes.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

It would turn into a Redwood, Chiquita!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

is that tinder or tender? or both? Shittims, you're new here, aren't you? See, most of us have all been sitting for 11 days now...non-stop...waiting for the next visit, so, no, we don't.

(Submitted by Ingvar)

I've been to Wal-Mart

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Lieu, only if the women of the world are really, really lucky. *blushing femininely* And welcome back melon, where ya been? You didn't wander into any lightening, did you??? Dal-baby *big hug*, has it been 11 days?? Yikes. We're all going to have to go to receipters anonymous if we don't get a fix soon. I'm starting to suffer from withdrawal...

(Submitted by lexic0n)

stand firm! a day fast approaches when we will have receipts in abundance. for isnt this the same story that has been told since before the dawn of history? there is plenty and then there is want. but as surely as dalliance follows derek, so too shall plenty follow want. so, hold fast, lads and lasses! who are we that we should have need to fear? in this demesnes, derek may reign supreme, but there is another, whom even derek calls 'Master', who has been foretold even in these very receipts (let the reader understand), and surely He will see fit to provide an abundance on all things good? fear not, for the deluge is upon us!

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

You guessed it Dal, both. Even though we have a new receipt, I'm going to post any continuations of this page's conversations here in order to keep the other pristine (relatively speaking). So... I'm walking thru WalMart with my sweets Past single boots smelling of old feets Sighting cactus, I just get so horny! But Dally says oh so forlornly "I can't do it unless we're lying on receipts!" I wish they still made the Volare' It got Derek and us where we are, eh? An engine out of kilter Maxis instead of oil filters Geez, people must think we're retarde' I'm thinking of becoming a hippy Shopping weekly at WalMart for a trippy Living happily in a corrugated box Toasting Swedish fish and lox I think my old man would go flippy I pass gas in a false poster's direction A toot quite angry, judging by inflection I can't figure him out Cuz with a turn of his snout He approaches to give nasal inspection

(Submitted by mellow)

hey, what happened to my spaces and returns? my punctuation got punctuated. well, you can figure it out. it goes to the tune of "there once was a girl named alice...".

(Submitted by Kreskin)

I predict *eerie music* that on Derek's next purchase receipt, he'll buy a 900 MH PH CID, some color heads, and a key weiser.

(Submitted by Andre)

I miss you Lexic0n, but then you probably won't even know cause you've moved on...to the next receipt...and its key weisers...and color heads...and that other funny thing I don't understand...............

(Submitted by Andre)

I miss you Lexic0n, but then you probably won't even know cause you've moved on...to the next receipt...and its key weisers...and color heads...and that other funny thing I don't understand...............

(Submitted by Twinkles)

The globes are white until they ripen and turn half red. Then the Pokemon comes out.

(Submitted by angie mcgrath )

hi.....nice site....very interesting......anyways does anybody here work at walmart????in management???? i just have a question!please email me!!!!!!

(Submitted by p )

i dont get what u guys are talkin about!

(Submitted by hamid )

Koni

(Submitted by Naida )

hi, i think it was great and funny, but if my parents read it they would think there is too much course laungage, (however you spell da word) bye man!

(Submitted by NYCFASHIONGIRL )

HOW MUCH DOES MATT MAKE?

(Submitted by pad )

IDIOT

(Submitted by Usagi )

I really used to enjoy coming to these pages. Now there are just too many comments to read through, and most of them are irrelevant. Thank you all so much for ruining my receipt perusing experience. The peace has been shattered.

(Submitted by Gern Blandston )

I agree, Usagi... too many "wink winks" and lame posts from people who need to find a chat room. Most importantly, we need to get back to the Dri-Bottoms, Chore Boy, etc. Some of you guys aren't as cute and smart as you think. "wink wink, nudge nudge"