Visitor Comments:

(Submitted by Derek D Sysop )

Gotta tell this: When we arrived at Wal-Mart this morning, the employees were singing the "Wal Mart Song" in the snack-bar area. It was amusing, but still mildly disturbing in that cultish sort of way.

(Submitted by lieu )

are the swabs for your deck?

(Submitted by Wal*Fixture )

I just figured there were laws governing the sale of midget neighbors.

(Submitted by jerry garcia )

tell me, how does the song go?

(Submitted by lieu )

especially disturbing since the snack-bar area is in the bathroom.

(Submitted by Wise "ole fart )

I'll bet that's where the Book of Pooh was written.

(Submitted by Colon Reader )

Does the Book of Pooh have pictures? Please don't tell me it's Scratch & Sniff.

(Submitted by Madonna )

Derek, you are the cleanest man I know!

(Submitted by R. Royce )

How did you validate it? Show 'em your Jaguar?

(Submitted by Me )

Derek! why don't u just get a type writer and save the ink cartridges for people who reallly need them. P.s do you clean yourself often

(Submitted by Stu Pedasso )

40 White Trash Residents? Are you starting your own trailer park?

(Submitted by Terry )

Do they do the BODY WASH right there, or do you, like , go in a back room or something?

(Submitted by lieu )

in oklahoma the body wash is free but you first have to buy her a $30.00 drink. did i just say that?

(Submitted by Grey Davis )

PHOTO PAPER sure went up a lot in 3 days. Who can we blame?

(Submitted by COY CD STRAINER )

Knockoff!

(Submitted by Leroy )

Wif my date Alopecia, furst we did de suave ting and den we did deboner ting.

(Submitted by Herr Teegurty Mein )

Frau Germaniac, did ze Teutonics invent ze JerryCurl?

(Submitted by Schultz )

FreeTranslation.com is an easy-to-use site for rapid translations where you can get the "gist" of foreign language text and web pages. -- Translation Results by SDL International -- Wo Germie an sowieso ist

(Submitted by Habib )

Damn...a commercial. Now I've seen EVERYTHING.

(Submitted by Ivana Viener )

That's what happens when you let those 40WT RESIDEN's move into the neighbourhood...

(Submitted by Messer. Schmidt )

I gots your "gist" hanging right here...

(Submitted by Henauder Titzoff )

What is suave?

(Submitted by Holmes )

Not doing a BODY WASH with your SWAB on the drapes after sex, now THAT'S SUAVE...

(Submitted by wal mart associate )

Derrick email me please.

(Submitted by NYCFASHIONGIRL )

R U WASHING OFF AND TAKING PICS OF THAT 40 POUND RESIDENT THAT U GOT TO LIVE WITH YOU? IS THIS PERSON GOING TO GROW INTO ANOTHER CHORE BOY?

(Submitted by Jake )

The manager is sold for less, i dont see a price do you ?..........Poor Matt you are not worth much hugh....aren't you.

(Submitted by Matt Krieg Fan Club sings the Wal*Mart anthem (all rise) )

O say can you see, down the end of Aisle 3 The mess that was spilled by Eunice Gutrumble That Shannon’s a dope, she just picked up the rope, And left the oil over for someone to tumble And the red-light special’s glare Merchandise thrown in the air Show the lowest of our prices will always be there O say does that eighty-year- old greeter still wave Outside the shop of the cheap, and where you will save?

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

You suave cad. How dare you suggest that I swab you with body wash and then take photos with it. What am I a pervert?

(Submitted by lieu )

one can hope.

(Submitted by Joel C. )

For those of you that don't know the Wal-Mart song, here it is: Give me a W, Give me an A, Give me an L, (for the dash) Give me a squiggly, Give me an M, Give me an A, Give me an R, Give me a T. What does that spell? WAL-MART. Who's number one? The customer. Who's number one? 1650 Saukville, Wisconsin OOH OOH OOH.

(Submitted by francis scott offkey )

dylan's safe for awhile but yoko ono better beware.

(Submitted by Christopher Robin )

Oh I won't sleep a wink knowing that the Book of Pooh is available tomorrow! Oh joy, oh happiness

(Submitted by Tigger )

*BOING* *BOING* *BOING*

(Submitted by Shannen )

I guess if I had MY own website, I could hog first post too.

(Submitted by Rico Suave )

Dude, you are the only one buying my CD. I really appreciate it, dude.

(Submitted by ZuZu )

Every time you hear a voice crack, it means a maxipad just got it's wings!

(Submitted by Last three= knee slappin fun )

I thought it was interesting when mr. hankey tried to usurp winnie's special position as the official poo, but I have to admit that it's good to see Winnie is still around. He's like, hey fuck you little pottymouths, I'm gonna go hang with piglet and eat hunny.

(Submitted by The Jared )

This is the craziest site I've ever seen in my life! WHAT THE HELL?! and what's a SUAVE CD STR?

(Submitted by Nari )

Hello all, I have been monetering this site for some time, and I will say that it is interesting to watch all of the relationships develop...It is quite incredible how random some of the comments are, though. And folks, use just a little bit of that intelligence--you can do it--Suave conditioner. I know its interesting to make stupid jokes about it, but for the people reading spying on you its very boring, and rather repetitive. And for the love of Zorblath, can't you drop the pooh jokes now?

(Submitted by Joan Armaplating )

Drop the pooh joke - fly my balloon Drop the mahout - smell my perfume Drop the monkey - I'm the easy rider Gonna need your army to fight a losing battle animal vegetable mineral spiritual I'm the one you need I'm the one you need

(Submitted by Abi )

Well, I like the Rico Suave jokes, they make me smile - who cares if it's repetitive - it's FUNNY, ok!

(Submitted by Abi )

Terry, before you ask, no it's not hoover week.....!!!

(Submitted by Terry )

Did I just hear your voice crack?

(Submitted by scott )

Where can I get some E ? I want to make my purchases with E also! (Suave Conditioner)

(Submitted by BBoy )

A 40 watt resident? He's not very bright, is he?

(Submitted by Twenty Nine plays Twenty Three )

Now, that Austin Healey - what a plod! What a plank! Got rolled by a wave at Manly beach, and he was planning to face up to the Wallabies!

(Submitted by Mr Hanky )

Howdy ho everyone!

(Submitted by Abi )

Do I detect a hint of smugness there BB old boy?

(Submitted by Beaver )

suuuuuuuuusssssssssssiiiiiiiee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee............. ...

(Submitted by Chiquita )

Personally, I happen to love a good Pooh joke. Anybody got any more?

(Submitted by Childish Huh? )

Nari has the PMS, nah-nah-nah- nah-nah.... NAH!

(Submitted by Alex Trebek )

A very small animal. A timid pink pig, about 10 inches tall. Likes to wear a long striped shirt.

(Submitted by Jeopardy Girl )

WHAT IS PIGLET?

(Submitted by Jeopardy Girl )

..For $100, Alex....

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

What is my "Marital Aid"?

(Submitted by Alex Trebek )

That is correct **smugly reading cue card while glancing up at audience**

(Submitted by Alex Trebek )

Very witty, Germy, I believe that comment belongs in the $200 category **nodding head knowingly**

(Submitted by Huh? )

"Eat Your Honey" ... best advice anyone ever gave me...

(Submitted by Alex Trebek )

It comes in every shape and size and color. Often Elephant-shaped. You can catch one by building a cunning trap, like a very deep pit, and using Honey for bait.... **gazing over glasses at admiring audience**

(Submitted by Jeopardy Girl )

What is my vibrator, Alex?

(Submitted by nari a brain cell )

no, i'm serious alex! what is tongue in cheek? you mean it's not what terry said?

(Submitted by lieu )

on biography or the history channel or e! the true hollywood story the other day (my tastes are diverse), they told how as a child john john was leaving the oval office one day and stuck his head back in the door and called j.f.k., the most powerful man in the free world, a poopoo head. now, if the future sexiest man alive doesn't know what's funny...

(Submitted by Eager Beaver )

What is poontang?

(Submitted by tee hee )

Tongue in cheek ... tickles!

(Submitted by tee hee )

Butt.. tongue in cheeks.. tickles more!!

(Submitted by Stu Pedasso )

Y'know, I wuz thinkin'...if Snoop Doggy Dogg got married to Winnie the Pooh, his name would be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh...ok, that's just stupid.

(Submitted by lieupty loop )

when you try and throw some sh*t away and it comes right back to you?

(Submitted by Professor Poopoohead )

They call it The Book of Pooh because the pages are from 100% recycled buttwipe. It's actually a collection of completely straight comments on Suave Conditioner, Pre-cut Carpet and the like and is, therefore, appropriate for that quality of paper.

(Submitted by Saul Lidgold )

There's a skeeter on my peter, knock it off. There's a skeeter on my peter, knock it off. There's a skeeter on my peter cuz I am a Wal*Mart greeter, there's a skeeter on my peter, mazeltoff!

(Submitted by Zorblath )

I've gotta take a dump really bad. You know, pinch a loaf? Chip off the ol' block? Unwinnie the pooh?

(Submitted by Pharmicist )

Is that a condom imprint on the receipt from when you put it in your wallet?

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

Zorblath...you gotta sprout a monkey tail? Hang a rat? Launch a sea pickle?

(Submitted by 40WT RESIDEN )

huuuuuh? you guys makin funna me? now y'all just stand there. MOMA! GET THE 12-BORE. now yall be knowing who's not so briht. DARLENE GET OF DAT HORSE, ITS NOT HEALTHEH!

(Submitted by (insert name here) )

(insert bad pooh joke here)

(Submitted by afficiopoodo )

lol @ germey!

(Submitted by Poodle )

A little pooh.

(Submitted by Zorblath )

Yep, time to release the colon convict. To deterg the gent. "Bout to fire the Dookie Hauser.

(Submitted by Bob )

I kinda like "dropping the kids off at the pool"...

(Submitted by lieu )

*guffaw, chortle & knee slap*

(Submitted by Dave )

Wow, this is kind of sad. Do you have a job????

(Submitted by On behalf of everyone )

To whom would you be speaking, Dave? Oh, and don't be sad. Go on now, turn that frown upside down!

(Submitted by zipping up )

counting the one you just gave me?

(Submitted by Azrael Brown )

The answer is "Huffalump", Alex!

(Submitted by Sarge )

The question: How do camel- jockeys catch a buzz in the desert.

(Submitted by Wal*Fixture )

Dave's not peer.

(Submitted by Mine's usually orange, too )

Well, i was at the blonde convention and this guy POOH JOKE! Got ya, nari, ha!

(Submitted by Mikey from the corner of wornall )

On every reciept I just can't help looking at the bottom to see how many people approved his latest list of purchases. There were more than usual this time, 74621. I certainly wouldn't have!

(Submitted by Mick )

I called Matt Krieg the manager and asked him if he knew what his wife was doing while he was at work. He didn't so I told him...ME!

(Submitted by Mrs Krieg )

How dare you, Micky, I thought you cared about me? My husbands just rang to say that he won't be coming home tnight, as he has to work late stock taking. You basket! By the way, thought I would tell everyone that Micky has a very small penis!

(Submitted by Mrs Krieg )

I felt such relief saying it, that I though i would drive down to walmart's and shout at the top of my voice "MICK'S GOT A SMALL PENIS AND HE ONLY HAS TO TAKE HIS PANTS OFF AND HE'S COME ALREADY!"

(Submitted by Toni Basil )

And I thought you were so fine...

(Submitted by Timmy )

She's right, he does have a small penis. My ass didn't even hurt.

(Submitted by Eeyore )

That's what you think, Timmy.

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell )

*looking very closely through squinted eyes and thick granny glasses* can't see no condom imprint

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

MATT KRIEG, your wife is a cheating, smelly whore. She doesn't know or appreciate what a warrior you are in the sack. Get your tuetonic butt over to my place and unsheath your meat missle to better serve my silk igloo

(Submitted by Chiquita )

I dunno Germey... meat missle? Is that sumpthin you heard from the 40WT RESIDENt?

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

would you prefer rammschnitzel?

(Submitted by Matt )

love to germanic, but i'm helping the new girl on checkout with her stock taking tonight. glad we sell BODY WASH and SWABS though, cos after a hard night taking stock, I think we may need them!

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Rammschnitzel is much better. It sounds like sumpthin I could order at Der Weinerschnitzel with cheese & onions on top. Dammit, now I'm hungry... *climing into toaster box in search of breakfast food*

(Submitted by lieu )

cheating AND smelly? bummer.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

And, she takes it in the bummer, if you know what I mean.

(Submitted by euell gibbons )

many parts of the silk igloo are edible...

(Submitted by cannibal animal )

oooh, a tailgate party? rump roast - the other white meat.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

silk igloo, also known as: The Winkin' Pink Brownie Cake

(Submitted by cubby )

makes me want to sing "there's a bluebird on my shoulder"...

(Submitted by General Population )

I think the missle defense systems in place are already too good.

(Submitted by Reese Reader )

I just went back and read the last 8 months or so. Damn, my head hurts!

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

I just went back and watched the last 8 episodes of Oprah. damn my head hurts

(Submitted by lieu )

if an oprah fell over in the woods and nobody was there to hear it, would it still scare the sh*t out of all the bears?

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

and would that show up on a seismograph?

(Submitted by lieu )

i don't know. let's try her on for seis. ummmm... yep, she made quite an impression.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

Let me get some SWABS and clear that image out of my head.

(Submitted by in lieu of oprah )

do what i do and just think about another subject. you know, like rosie o'donnell naked.

(Submitted by the_germaniac )

or Abe Vigoda clothed

(Submitted by lieu )

hmmm, a fish out of water... interesting. did you notice derek spent .96 cents on conditioner? what's your guess, supercuts or fantastic sam's?

(Submitted by Weng Wei )

Wots rong wif a bowl?

(Submitted by Chuck Yeager )

Speaking of BODY WASHes, I'd rather take the highway than the Weng Wei.

(Submitted by Alex Trebek )

Azreal Brown, that is correct for $200! ** encouraging nod while cracking slight smile **

(Submitted by Alex Trebek )

**polite applause** And now for Final Jeopardy: How does one catch a Heffalump? You must be specific.

(Submitted by Huh? )

With Germy's marital aid?

(Submitted by Huh? )

With Mick's small penis?

(Submitted by Huh? )

With Body Wash and swabs?

(Submitted by lieu )

salt it's ass?

(Submitted by wal*fix )

unsafe sodomy?

(Submitted by testicles )

don't leave us hanging...

(Submitted by Booty Call )

$

(Submitted by MATT KRIEG'S #1 FAN )

IF I'VE SAID IT ONCE, I'VE SAID IT A THOUSAND TIMES: IF MATT KRIEG IS MARRIED, IT'S TO HIS CUSTOMERS. HE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN DUE TO HIS TIRELESS EFFORTS TO ACHIEVE AND MAINTAIN 100% CUSTOMER SATISFACTION. NO MORTAL WOMAN WOULD BE ABLE TO TOLERATE IT. P.S. - DARRYL MARCHETTA IS RACIST.

(Submitted by Not amused, in fact, far from amused at lame and yawningly boring implications of tired old insults )

I hope Matt or his wife don't come to this reciept! Of course he has a wife, she's probably really hot, too. And like 23. Wasn't there a girl with the last name of Krieg in last years Penthouse Girls of Summer? Timmy!

(Submitted by *distant wailing of sirens* )

oh, shit, Paco, grab that tv and lets get outta here, the pooh pooh are on thier way!

(Submitted by Mrs Krieg )

yes 'friad so, darling matt is indeed married to his customers! it was ok in the beginning, the occassional "sorry darling but i'llbe working late tonight", but within a few years it was almost every night for 52 weeks of the year. mmm come to think of it, it was at this time that he won a couple of awards. The first for introducing a new training programme for checkout girls, in which they recieved there training during the quieter periods in the evenings. And the second for observing that customers prefer to see young, pretty girls on the checkout. that basket - it was more than just the shelves he was filling!

(Submitted by Alex Trebek )

**smirking, shaking head** Although I'd like to commend you all for your creative answers, the correct answer is "you must build a cunning trap, like a very deep pit, and use honey for bait." **polite applause from audience**

(Submitted by Alex Trebek )

This “Heffalump” technique was first devised by Matt Krieg as a teaching tool to educate his checkout girls to provide 100% customer satisfaction. Yes indeed, Matt is ahead of his time and quite possibly the best Wal- Mart manager in the world.

(Submitted by stanley marcus )

whoopee, that and 50 cents will get him a stale cup of coffee. he's still going to embarrass the crap out of himself at every highschool reunion.

(Submitted by Linda Hand )

"Gas-powered Marital Aids" for $500 please, Alex.

(Submitted by (Borrowing) Alex Trebek )

Powered by a 2.5 h.p. Biggs & Straddle, this "tool" first made it's way into the bedroom following the popularity of the WeedEater.

(Submitted by Linda Hand )

Ummm... What is a BushWhacker?

(Submitted by (the real) Alex Trebek )

I'm sorry, Miss Hand, but the correct answer is smackerel. **fake brilliant smile**

(Submitted by Linda Hand )

Shit.

(Submitted by (the real) Alex Trebek )

The word "smackerel" appears in the first chapter of "The House at Pooh Corner". Piglet has just arrived at Pooh's house. "Nearly eleven o'clock," said Pooh happily. "You're just in time for a little smackerel of something," and he put his head into the cupboard. "And we'll go out, Piglet, and sing my song to Eeyore." We would therefore define smackerel as: "a taste, or a very small amount of food." Much like what one would find when eating one's honey. **waving at audience**

(Submitted by Bernie Goetz )

"Famous African Philanthropists" for $50. please, Alex.

(Submitted by Richard Gazina )

"M.I.L.T.F.'s" for free please, Alex.

(Submitted by JimmyJohnBob Peckerfeller )

"Good-looking Mullets" for $1000 please, Alex.

(Submitted by Daniel C. )

A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.

(Submitted by Alex Trebek )

**nodding approvingly** For $1000 and a bottle of Rico Suave's Body Wash, name a famous black philanthropist that bears a good-looking mullet. **preening for camera**

(Submitted by Alex Trebek )

and Ms. Hand, please refrase your answer in the form of a question. The correct response would have been "what is shit". **shaking head in woe**

(Submitted by Huh? )

Oh Stanley, are we jealous of Matt? What heights Matt has aspired to! What goals! What dreams! To be the best gosh- darn Wal-Mart Manager in the world, to give 100% customer satisfaction AND the Book of Pooh! NOW WHERE ELSE CAN YOU GET ALL THAT????

(Submitted by Chiquita )

Let me tell y'all, Matt K. definitely gave me 100% satisfaction. What that man can do with a couple SWABS and a Rico SUAVE tune spinnin' on the CD player... wooooo-hooooo. My diary has singed pages after that entry.

(Submitted by Dave )

People, don't trash these pages with your perverted comments!

(Submitted by liberty bell )

look, the Rico Suave cd has been moved to the under $1 discount bin!

(Submitted by Gern Blandston )

*sweating profusely* "Could you repeat the question, Alex?

(Submitted by Gern Blandston )

Alex... You are without a doubt, one of the funniest posters here. Right on, brother. Oops.. sorry.. What is "right on brother?"