Visitor Comments:

(Submitted by yaya )

yess!!!!*first poster dance* good times,ahhhhh, good times.

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

*2nd place silver medal shuffle*I'm number 2, but i try harder. for instance, elecrasolder that bmens belt onto my bakeware

(Submitted by Ninja )

All right! Third Place! Awesome!!!

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Yeah, yeah, 4th place. So what? Do we have a dance here?

(Submitted by Ninja )

what was wrong with the old belt? is it possible you consumed too much mtdew and choc chip cookies made with BAKEWARE that your tummy expanded and previous belt no longer fit?

(Submitted by Chiquita )

MtDew and Cream Sda... I see you're mixing the hard stuff now. You know what that combination makes, right? It makes Electrosol. I also see you've picked up a men's belt???? Girls, I think we all know what this is for (remember the tool set? gotta have a belt for it). Lastly Derek, if I could request your next shopping trip to be on Monday, 8/21, as that is my birthday. And I'm remembering that you went shopping on Dal's birthday & got her a present. I'd be really happy if you purchased a counter card for me.

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Or I'd also be really happy to have a plant saucer to display my bananas in.

(Submitted by Ninja )

Hey...he purchased a COUNTFR Card for me too! On my birthday (see 7.20.98) Intense excitement! Happy Birthday Chiquita...i hope you get all the Electrasol and deodorant you like! And...are you particularly fond of cheese? perhaps derek can stop by and buy you some...cheese puffs, as i dont believe they sell cheese at wal-mart.

(Submitted by Chiqca )

As a matter of fact, Ninja, I am rather fond of cheese. How did you know? Especially when spread over a crisp VOIDED ENTRY, or served on a platter with some freshly picked REFILL. I also like to follow the cheese with a little PHOTO PROCESS chaser, but then, that's just me.

(Submitted by ASSOCIATE OF THE YEAR )

ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS!!!!!Someone has just paid for their purchases with a counterfiet 22-dollar note.It is a requirement of entering this store that only legal tender be used. Thank you.

(Submitted by disgruntled walmart employee )

i jsut wanted to say that i would like to see more of matt kriegs #1 fan, hes funny as hell

(Submitted by Funny As Hell )

I am not Matt Krieg's #1 Fan.

(Submitted by Martha Stewart )

That's cheap bakeware. Maybe a baking dish for a clam bake, fits one clam at a time. Or something.

(Submitted by Andre )

*looking up at Derek slyly from beneath the glass-topped coffee table* that belt would go good with the knee highs, Derek.

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Dalliance returns;/ brushes off the lesbian/ slurs, bosoms renewed

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Shannon, Scott and Matt/ swear eternal commitment/; Derek's sad again

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Dalliance shares a/ Tim Tam warmed by Mrs C/ with big boy Derek

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Andre, his mouth open,/ presses his face against the/ glass, begs for the belt

(Submitted by Designed to upset Dalliance )

Nothing like a men's belt to keep a wayward three-year-old in line.

(Submitted by Abi )

Hey Derek - does the belt match the boot(s)? Co-ordination is very important. I thought you'd might have got a whole outfit by now (tops, bras etc. over the last few years) HOWEVER - I don't recall trousers...what does this tell us?? Hmm... Dal - can you shed any light on the Big D's fashion statement, without making Andre melt all over the place.

(Submitted by Bonnie Piesse's lame chicken )

I can reliably inform you, Abi, that Derek bought Royal Cargo (pants?) on 31 July 1999. Was that anyone's birthday?

(Submitted by Moby )

Whoooooooooooooooooo!

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Instead, Andre gets/ a soft brown melted Tim Tam/ oozing on the glass

(Submitted by Al Pacino )

Yeah, it was my ***** birthday. Forget about it.

(Submitted by Al )

Hey, Haiku, go and talk crazy someplace else,

(Submitted by Balmain Bug )

I'm just a baby shmp.

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Al's boyfriend's in drag,/ just like Andre; will they swap/ white knee highs and wigs?

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Dalliance cries out:/ "Andre, don't give away my/ fave MTM wig"

(Submitted by susie )

MELOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Submitted by Abi )

Ta very much, lame chicken - that's a weight off my mind, I'd hate to think of our hero wandering around with no strides on! (He just missed my birthday - I did try to grovel and pursuade him to go shopping, but I just don't have the wiles of young Dalliance)

(Submitted by poetry rules )

Al/susie, shut up! / Haiku has more wit than you./ Jealousy blinds you.

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Thanks, "poetry rules"/ a friend in need and all that,/ love th'email address

(Submitted by Freud )

32nd Place! Oh well, screw Mushu and the Compubank he rode in on.

(Submitted by Freud )

And what is up with paying cash? Couldn't find the Visa card?

(Submitted by Abi )

Haiku - I've just got to say - love the name, love the pun, LOVE the poems - but you're doing my head in - I can't stop singing the rolling stones in my head -

(Submitted by susie )

Dear Poetry Rules, Melon has more wit than ANYBODY.... Has he had a fatal accident while learning to drive? I am not jealous just a bored, alcoholic 40- something who is looking forward to seeing J.H. on stage next week so I can compare her body to mine. I'll keep you posted....I used to love y'all, but it's All Over Now...

(Submitted by Rudy )

Jesus Christ, more queers and lesbians, just like on this damn island.

(Submitted by Jerry )

Not that there's anything WRONG with that.

(Submitted by Moby )

WHOOOOOOOOOP!

(Submitted by fuckyou )

LISTEN UP, THE DING DONG BASSLISTEN UP, THE DING DONG BASSFUCKERS!!!!!!

(Submitted by Terry )

That comic book education really paying off for you, huh, FY. Did you get the X-RAY SPECS too?

(Submitted by Rick )

Rudy's on a train to nowhere

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell )

X-Ray Specs, great band.

(Submitted by Matt Kkrieg )

Listen, just get it into your thick head, #ITEMS SOLD 7!!!!!!!!!!!

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Everyone's in drag,/ Andre and Dalliance slip/ a wig on Rudy

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

It's party time! There's/ Scott Freeman ogling Chiquita's/ ripe banana

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Copmut licks the glass/ table top, Ninja's getting/ aroused at cheese puffs

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Shannon and Dally/ make up, do a lesbian/ jigjig for Derek

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

...complete with white globe/ and apono bulb. Whoops! watch/ out for Moby's head!

(Submitted by farmer mcgregor )

hey, macleod, git offa ma ewe!!

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Yours truly reluctantly/ eases off the very/ comely prize ewe

(Submitted by headtrip )

entered this site into a meta-html filter (www.metahtml.com/apps/zippy/welcome.mhtml) actually made the site even more surreal...had to share

(Submitted by melon )

la la la la la la la la.

(Submitted by Abi )

whoa - the melon's back...!!!

(Submitted by melon )

yes! i am alive!!!!!ALL HAIL FISHLEADER!!!!!!

(Submitted by Abi )

Fishleader???? what happened to the monkey assasin??

(Submitted by melon )

the fishleader killed the monkey assassin.

(Submitted by bunky farquar )

Bouncy lead fart. Event of WalMart squanders the whole of mankind. Bite the foot of credential. Amen.

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

I'm sending Matt Krieg a postcard, all the way from Sydney.It's all very well thanking us for the WW2 memorial, but what has he done for us lately? Customer service isn't being remembered for an Oreo-stacking competition in 1997 ...Keep you posted on any response ...

(Submitted by British Invasion )

On behalf of the British Invasion Board we hereby declare that this board is under invasion.You have the right to defend it by posting at least one posts a day for the next 7 days to this board.The rules are currently being discussed with a view to easing the 7 day defence requirement, but we will inform you if these are changed before the end of the 7 day period.If you have any queries, please reply to the British Invasion Board, with a link to this board.Many thanksThe British Invasion Forcehttp://boards.fool.com/Message.asp?mid=13144391

(Submitted by British Invasion )

Lets try the link again.http://boards.fool.com/Message.asp?mid=13144391

(Submitted by I am not an animal )

I am not an animal.

(Submitted by Derek the Limey )

I don't know about the rest of you, but I welcome our new British rulers! All hail Brittania!

(Submitted by Björn Ulvæus )

Chiquita, tell me what's wrong, you're enchained by your own sorrow.

(Submitted by Derek the Limey )

Oh, me again -- here's a more official account of the British overpowering this site by force.

(Submitted by Camilla Bowler-Park )

Do WalMart sell for less in Britain? And hey, I just realised, Derek's online even as I type! Hello my big-butted receipt hero!

(Submitted by Refuse of the western world )

Have you ever heard of SPK, Mr Dahlsad? Great Aussie industrial band from the early 80s. Chainsaws on stage, that sort of thing.

(Submitted by Butts-R-Us )

Derek does not have a big butt. His ass is sublime. If only it were for sale.

(Submitted by Refuse of the western world )

Damn! Thought he might be just about to load another receipt. Thought I might be able to distract him long enough to let me be FIRST!

(Submitted by Refuse of the western world )

Oh! What's this? I suspect some butt collusion with the webmaster.

(Submitted by Chiquita )

Bjorn, can I just say... ummm... huh? What sorrow? I'm the happiest banana ever because Derek's gonna get me a counter card for my birthday. Right, Derek? What more could a banana-girl want?

(Submitted by Butts-R-Us )

Butts-R-Us is a reputable establishment with 1.2 years of unsurpassed customer satisfaction. We are a top- notch organization with superb backing by quality investors. Butts-R-Us does not practice butt collusion with it's potential models, however, Butts-R-Us may make an exception in your case, Mr. World. If you would kindly drop your knickers for the search committee, we let you know promptly if collusion is something we might wish to probe further.

(Submitted by Refuse of the western world )

Come out of the butt closet Derek, I know you're in there *phew* it's musty in here *pushing aside the butt of Kevin Costner* boy, dances with wolves all right, I think we've got the whole herd in here, and a few wildebeest as well, or maybe that's just the Hell's Angels butts, wait, there's a light over there, yes, I think I see it, goddamn it, it's just the light shining out of Bob Geldof's ass.

(Submitted by Björn Ulvæus )

Chiquita tell me the truth. I'm a shoulder you can cry on, your best friend. I'm the one you must rely on.

(Submitted by Apostrophe Man )

Mr B.R. Us, I arrest you for misuse of an apostrophe in a vaguely amusing post.

(Submitted by SuzinN.Cal )

Hi!!! *waving at everyone* Good to see you all. It's been a while ... Man I love this site :o)

(Submitted by Associate of the Year )

ATTENTION FAKE ASSOCIATE OF THE YEAR!! If you gotta' fake post with my name please fuckin' spell "counterfeit" correctly. Thank you. The email addy was a nice touch.

(Submitted by Associate of the Year )

ATTENTION FAKE ASSOCIATE OF THE YEAR!! If you gotta' fake post with my name please fuckin' spell "counterfeit" correctly. Thank you. The email addy was a nice touch.

(Submitted by Abi - also a limey )

Derek - what's with this invasion thing? It looked very boring.

(Submitted by Abi )

I'm beginning to feel like Mrs. C - is anybody out there?? Not even Haiku? It's been hours....

(Submitted by British Invasion )

Come on over to the board and join in Abi. Derek posted a good link above.

(Submitted by susie )

Will the Brits save the Russians though?

(Submitted by Karma )

suzie, are you posting again already? Give someone else a chance, eh? This site is not all about you. [clay pot, wipes, apono bulb]

(Submitted by British Invasion )

We have no intrest in backwards czarist Russia. Or aim is the U.S. and it's decadent consumerist ways.

(Submitted by British Invasion )

Besides from what I hear Mushu lives there.

(Submitted by Andre's Love Puppet )

WOOOOHOOOOO!!!! the Brits..the Brits...I love the Bloody Brits!! Come and take me, baby..yes, yes, invade me!! I'm so decadent!!

(Submitted by Comsumers-R-Us )

Hey B.I., Do you know Swampy the Moleguy? Ya know the tree dwelling, tunnel-digging protesting guy. I thought he was HOT for a dirk digger...I mean dirt not dirk(teehee)!!! Not, of course, in the same way Derek is HOT!! or Andre is HOT!! Derek is much cleaner and smells better, I am sure, and has a cute bum and Andre is much more satorially endowed.

(Submitted by The Wal-Mart Ex )

Wal-Mart is the worst place ever. They should be shut down and the CEO and the Board of Directors shot. Thank you. Have a nice day.

(Submitted by susie )

The Real Slim Shady is British.

(Submitted by susie )

Not a lot of people know that..

(Submitted by lemon )

Not a lot of people care either. You sure talk a lot susie.

(Submitted by Freud )

Geez lemon you killed the discussion.

(Submitted by Karma )

But Freud, it was suzie's discussion, so it was no doubt leading to something negative. suzie's kind of a buzz-kill. I say bring back our FUN, POSITIVE pal, Dal. *circulating petition* [suncare, pen, trojan horse]

(Submitted by Little Moth )

==smells funny in here again==Got any DEW?

(Submitted by What have I done wrong )

*weeping pathetically and reaching for the Mountain Dew* (Is it alcoholic at least?)

(Submitted by Andre )

My mother's underpanties smell of lemon Tang.

(Submitted by Andre )

especially when affixed to the butt of Hillary Clinton.

(Submitted by Andre )

By the way, in emulation of my Lord God, the Almighty Derek, I am studiously avoiding the fan worshipping exhibited above. Though I kind of like being called "hot". In capitals. It would be even better, however, to be known for one's pulchritudinous butt.

(Submitted by Refuse of the western world )

If I manipulate Bob's butt correctly, I might be able to shine some light on the location of Derek's butt.

(Submitted by melon )

i, have been working on the rainbow, all this long long day.

(Submitted by The Anti-Derek )

i see the gods of useful websites have yet to frown on this atrocity. someone needs to treat this site like Old Yeller and execute it.

(Submitted by fruit cup )

Hmmmm, interesting concept, Anti-Derek... just rid the world of everything you don't happen to like. A little narcisstic, dontcha think???? Who was it that lied to you & told you the world revolves around you??

(Submitted by Wow )

Do I have some kind of power that I don't know about? My whole post printed in red. Cool.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

WOW...you rule!! I bow to you and bring bananas to lay at your altar....speaking of which...I WANT MY CHIQUITA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Submitted by Dalliance (cuz I'm a survivor) )

Foxy Andre...I'm coming to get ya...FOXY! (doing the Jimi Hendrix Foxy dance) - You will be mine. Oh yes, you will be mine.

(Submitted by Dalliance - yes i know i have a big mouth but i have a lot of stuff in me as i repeatedly told my mother when i was three years old after her warning that if i did not shut-up she would soon once again whoop me upside the head) )

By the way, while I'm here - wanted to clear up a little misconception..actually, by Beloved Derek (with ass so fine) did not buy me the present of suncare on my birthday. His visit to W*M was on the day before my B'Day and Sweet Chiquita, my dear friend, helped me to extrapolate from there. I have repeated emailed The Big D asking him to pls buy me a Snickers Bar as a signal to me that he did indeed wish to be the father of my child, to impart the seed of his loins to me, as I have pleaded...but, alas, there have been no Snickers. I keep hope alive. For I have a dream.

(Submitted by Tiger Woods )

melon, nice work on the rainbow

(Submitted by Andre )

But is Tiger Woods' butt receptive to an apono bulb? Dalliance, I don't know what to say, I'm touched, truly touched (maybe it's one of the wildebeest butts hanging too close to my bum panties), after our inglorious start together, it seems that it was Mary Tyler Moore that brought us together, she is, I admit, an ambassadress for world peace, close intimate physical contact between pseudonymous cyber characters, and wide white plastic belts that glisten in the artificial early evening glow of a fake Milwaukee set. Just - you know - just stop calling me "Lou". (Which reminds me, what happened to the Reed?)

(Submitted by Chiquita )

Dal, you do NOT have a big mouth. Anybody who says that is obviously just jealous because you have so many friends here who love to talk with you. And on Andre's note, where IS lieu? I thought he'd recently reappeared under an alter ego, but now I'm not so sure. I miss them... I mean him. [sorry, no receipt-relation in this post. I could not be sorrier.]

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Oh, Dal... where Andre is concerned, can I just say... SHWING!! I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

(Submitted by Björn Ulvæus )

Chiquita, in your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow. How I hate to see you like this. There is no way you can deny it.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Chiqua *giggling* seems you have a new admirer. Bjorn...how exotic!! As the lieu and the boys, I too at am a loss...I also thought I caught a glimmer,but now I have my doubts as well. I miss him/them as well (however, check out the Derek "I am" project...something..i dunno, but I could have sworm I saw a familiar footprint. If he does come back, after I am finished kissing and hugging and mushy-mushying, remind me to kiss him ass, ok?

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Andre, *she steps out of the shade and says something like* You and me, Babe, how 'bout it?

(Submitted by D. )

Chiqua, i meant kick him in the ass...not kiss (what a classic slip...ouch)

(Submitted by Little Moth )

I dislike glass table tops, and bananas are a disgusting concept. However rainbows are not often seen at night. I do wish there was a way to remove my name from the mailing list. Oh Well, next thing you know the Monkey Assassin will throw fishheads.Then we will all be assigned the task of cleaning plant saucers.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Dear Little Moth, hope you bought insurance for your spider! *wink*

(Submitted by Joe )

Look! Walmart has those nice recpt machines!!!! you know, the one were the recpt just rolls out smoothly instead of those crappy old ones with a little thing going from side to side whilst the recipt slowly prints. Except I don't know about the phraise 'Always low prices. Always WalMart'

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Bjorn, if I may just repeat my earlier post to you... HUH????? I think it's entirely possible you've got me mixed up with some other Chiquita banana. How many do you know??? Ahem Derek, I'm waiting for my b-day counter card... *anxiously checking the site over & over again*

(Submitted by Chiqca )

I'm in the mood to bake. Does anyone have any bakeware? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

(Submitted by Little Moth )

Preheat refrigerator to 211 degrees. Using your Volare hubcap, stir together 1lb. shrimp, 6 oz. unsweetened chocolate. 12 oz.Dew, 1 cup rice, 1 cup cheesewiz, .5L soft rasins. Stir well,apply to exposed area,cover with gauze. Repeat if necessary. Should excess growth occur,trim excess.

(Submitted by BalmainBoy )

Hey Derek, have you seen any plans for this fourteen million dollar WW2 memorial? Or is it going to be in a missile silo like everything else military in N. Dakota?

(Submitted by Jodi )

hmmm perhaps you got a little crazy with the electrosol and ate too much cake and cookies and even the bakeware needed replacing along with your waistline and you needed a new belt. it got really hot while baking and you needed more deodorant.. ? oh never mind...

(Submitted by Jodi )

hmmm perhaps you got a little crazy with the electrosol and ate too much cake and cookies and even the bakeware needed replacing along with your waistline and you needed a new belt. it got really hot while baking and you needed more deodorant.. ? oh never mind...

(Submitted by Björn Ulvæus )

Chiquita, I can see that you're oh so sad, so quiet.

(Submitted by Andre )

Dalliance, get dressed up, get a little risque, gotta do a little S&M these days

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Bjorn, your attention is quite flattering. Really.

(Submitted by Abi )

Hey Chiq - a fan! Wahay! Although he does seem a little intense - perhaps a good hose down with icy Cream Soda would do the trick, hm?

(Submitted by Pulling Out my Collar )

Do W/ we know one A/another, Andre? I mean in another life, perhaps?

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Ah, Chiqua Baby, don't we all sometimes long for someone to see 'the sorrows of our changing face' (W.B. Yeats, there)...I think it very romantic *sweet girly smile*

(Submitted by Dalliance )

And his last name kinda makes me wanna wiggle *wiggle wiggle*

(Submitted by Dalliance )

For the regulars..Terry had a motorcycle acccident..please see BBS for more details.

(Submitted by rip van hefty )

damn *wringing out corpuscle shirt*. i'm all wet, and for once not from listning to dalliance, chiquita, abi, suz or mrs. c. last i remember, iz walking down bourbon or royal street wif my boys walfixture and lieu, some feller that looked just like jimi h. told us to "go west, young dudes" and we walked right into the missip. felt terrible bout leaving our fav girls at the old absinthe house but knew they were in good hands - their own. anyhoo, we fought like hell to beat the rip tide and get to a backwater and jest now drug ourselves back. speaking of riptides, where i hail from BAKE WARE comes in a plastic baggie for $40.00. Party on Der. Missed you all and not to say i won't fall off the pier again but if'n i do, could one of ye lovely lasses please reach out and grab something girthy as i bob by?

(Submitted by in lieu of reed )

i saw the british invasion in dallas back in the mid 80's. pretty awesome! eric clapton, joe cocker, the who's drummer after moon, that old gent that plays with the stones sometimes and wears a suit and bangs the big gong, george harrison, robby robertson and many celebrated others. what the hell, i'd welcome the british invasion back ANYTIME. let's rock in an abandoned missle silo sometime and get 8 miles high!!!

(Submitted by mellow yellow )

there once was a young girl named alice, who toyed with dynamite shaped like a fallice, but when she lit a match they found half of her snatch, in ft. worth and the rest in dallas.

(Submitted by WalFixture )

i'm thinking of renting a movie, starring dal and chiquita and suzi, i'm hoping it's blue, and even blew too, why that would be positively groovy.

(Submitted by Mrs. Eunice Gutrumble's son )

I love the sound of "Mountin Dew".

(Submitted by Chiqca )

YAHOOO! The guys are finally back from the nether regions. Can I have a hoot & a holler from everyone, puhleeeze!!!! Derek, I think this calls for a round of the Dew!

(Submitted by pup tent )

new orleans is my favorite city, favorite pet is of course the kitty, a sonesta room i book, and up from her knees i look, to reveal a view oh so pretty. (dri bottoms, hair access)

(Submitted by WalFix )

Hi Chiqua, missed you and dal and suz and abi and..you know... everyone.

(Submitted by wf )

jeez, i even missed melon and not elmo. not that there's anything wang with that.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Holy Apono Bulb!!!! This is amazing, Wal*fix, Mellow, ya'll are, like, erected!!! I knew when Hefty and lieu said they were going down to N.O. that sumthing was up!! WhoDoo that VooDoo?? I reckon that chicken lady with the candles that I recommended did ya'll right. Looking good..looking good!! Back in one, well two, finely girthed packages of well-sheathed manhood. Oh lieu, O, Hefty..kiss, kiss, lick, lick, hug, hug, mushy mushy lick lick...KICKKKKKKKKKING YOUR ASS..@)&%**!#@#*@)&%*$!!!!! And don't you forget it either *waggling finger* lick, lick. WOOHOO!! The boyz are back!

(Submitted by baby shmp )

Andre, I've got my black knee- high boots, a mens belt and some Electrasol with your name written on it. *moving my finger in a come-hither motion* Come here, my Magnificant Tim Tam..and bring Mrs. C, she can video- tape. Oh, and don't forget the clothespins and the beewax candles! But, I only play if we play Switch. Deal?

(Submitted by Hello from Japan )

What is this AW CREAM SDA?

(Submitted by Abi )

Huzzah! The Boys are back in town!! Missed you guys sooo much, I was beginning to think the ol' absinthe haze was just too much for you all - I should have known better!! lieu - I'd party with you anywhere! 8 miles high, 10 feet down under!! Let's rock boys! Here, have a welcome back racing lizard, it matches nicely with my pair of juggling hedgehogs....

(Submitted by Abi )

On second thought, forget it!! You guys are too crass for me....

(Submitted by Abi, the real me )

Wow - that was quick, a sneaky imposter comment, left my desk for 5 mins and there it was! Nice touch with nicking my email address too - it's obviously not too early for the sour puss to be up.

(Submitted by Björn Ulvæus )

Chiquita, you were always sure of yourself. Now I see you've broken a feather. I hope we can patch it up together.

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell )

Evening all, just been putting a big batch of Tim Tams in my oven for the Olympic torch relay which is going to go right past my house! I can't believe it, I'm getting so wet I'll have to put some more starch in me bloomers. I'm hoping to bake enough Tim Tams to satisfy all the forgotten Olympic heros, Olympic committee members, media commentators, little panty-wetting girlies, torch relighters, and general hangers on jogging past. Would you like me to wave a hankie at them for you? Sponsorship deals are now being sought, send me your cheques and international money orders (U.S. dollars only) made out in amounts with no less than five noughts on the end. Tenders for media coverage of the hankie waving ceremony are also now being sought from all large media conglomerates.

(Submitted by Dilly dally ass )

I think even worse than someone fake posting someone else would be someone fake posting someone fake posting someone else.

(Submitted by Abi )

Mrs C - wave your bloomers for me! A hanky just doesn't seem to be enough of a statement! Chuck us a tim tam please

(Submitted by I hate imposters )

Abi Imposter, please get this straight...if you look back a receipt or two you will note that imposters are highly frowned upon on this site. And Japan??? Whatever are you doing there? Shouldn't you be in...say...I dunno...Redwood City??? Now behave or please leave.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Andre, are you avoiding me? Have I frightened you? I am really totally harmless. And then the FISHLEADER said, let their be bakeware...and there was bakeware, and it was good.

(Submitted by Abi )

Thanks abi's pal - I think all imposters should be buried up to their necks in Scots Soil and all exposed areas gently teased with an Aim 'N' Flame - or would that constitute cruelty to animals?? Dal - maybe it was playing Switch that scared old Andre off - maybe he is more up for a game of Twister - you can get a really good reach in those high heeled boots. (So I hear...)

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Could someone please hand me Derek's PEN. Thank you. *concentrating hard & drawing diagram of Andre's last post* Nope, I just can't wrap my brain around that one. It's like a bad algebra problem. Bjorn, after you fix my feather, try giving Wal*Fix's ankle a try... that thing's got a mind of it's own & could stand to be tamed.

(Submitted by sartas )

It's been a week since our boy's been to visit Matt Kreig...could they have had a falling out of some sort?

(Submitted by Lauren )

We love you Derek, oh yes we dooooo, we love you Derek, and we'll be true, loo-doo- dee-doooo, I forgot the words, but we still love you, oh yes we doooo.

(Submitted by Lauren )

And you love your faithful followers, too, right?

(Submitted by Lauren )

Oh yeah, I love you the most. Muwhaa!

(Submitted by WalFixture )

I promise Dal, to never forget. Per distancing you all I'm full of regret. Thinking of a box toasty sure makes chestnuts roasty. Hell, I'm stiff where I resemble a chia pet.

(Submitted by in lieu of McNeed )

Okay, who was saying Don McLean died and is it really true??? Mrs. C??? Type in Am Pie on the Google engine and check out the lyrics to said song. Nowadays when I pump it thorugh the Klipschs I've got an entirely knew appreciation for his linguistic abilities. Same for Vincent (otherwise known as Starry Night). Someone please tell me true... Is he gone?

(Submitted by minivan go )

Did you write the book of love and do you have faith in God above, everybody (okay, melon) tells me so... aaah do you beleive in wok and egg roll

(Submitted by Abi )

Hey lieu - Mrs C mentioned it at the back end of July - but I gather it was the Australian Don McLean, the inventor of the illustrious Tim Tams - not your one, he's still alive and kicking, I guess. (Just for nostalgia reasons, I remember listening to American Pie on our ol' 8 track in the car, aah..)

(Submitted by melon )

poem: go go power rangers, you go go, go. if you see a blah, eat it and go home. THE END.

(Submitted by Andre )

Dearest Dalliance, I'm afraid I've been trying to extricate myself from a slightly *ahem* embarrassing situation, involving an aim'n'flame, my old vinyl Making Movies, and my MTM blow up doll which I mistook for your kind self. I advise never never never breathe deeply in readiness to belt out "you can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold" while perched delicately over the intake nozzle (though in a rare and delicate light it can be mistaken for a *muffled sounds as the men in asbestos suits prepare to bring out the oxyacetylene*

(Submitted by Andre )

in a screaming ring of faces, I seen her standing in the light, she had *owooooooooooo yow ouch oooohoooooooooooo eeeeeeaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhh mmm, rubber, smells nice*

(Submitted by Björn Ulvæus )

Chiquita you and I cry, but the sun is still in the sky and shining above you

(Submitted by Macaulay Skulkin )

Mom, that man's just bought two bakeware, can I pleeeeease have two bakeware, just like him, please mom??????

(Submitted by Chiquita )

Bjorn, you're a riot. By the way, how do you pronounce your last name? I'd like to be able to propounce it correctly to the judge when I get the restraining order. Ahhhhh, just jokin' with ya, Bjorn-baby!!! Keep up the good arm-chair psychology. Tell me, what should I do about this banana fixation I seem to have? Do you think that's the root of all my troubles? Good morning to the boys, Abi, Dal, Andre, melon, & lexic0n.

(Submitted by Chiqca )

Hey, I bet y'all didn't know "propounce " is a word. Derek, any chance of picking me up a dictionary on your next shopping extravaganza?

(Submitted by Wingspan Bank )

Hey Der, need a loan to buy some more 2 ltr Mt Dew?

(Submitted by Abi )

Top of the morning to you Chiqca! And to the rest of the gang of course! Well, bananas are very good for you - a rich source of potassium or is it zinc? However, if they are beginning to take your life over, perhaps you should think about developing a new hobby, perhaps not along Andre's lines, what do you reckon guys? Suggestions in the box for Chiqca's new obssession, a prize to the best one - a years supply of Mt Dew.

(Submitted by Björn Ulvæus )

Chiquita, try once more like you did before

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell )

Now now all you Tim Tam lovers out there, don't get testy! There'll be enough for all of you. Just reach in under my skirts where I keep them warm...

(Submitted by Wingspan Bank )

...how about winning $200 in cash?

(Submitted by will69 )

The plural of "man" is not "mens".

(Submitted by Abi )

Mrs C - isn't this some middle of the night hour for you? Are you in the middle of a tim tam extravaganza!

(Submitted by Baby Shmp )

Andre, you are such a turn on. Dear God, that bit with the men in the asbestos suits..oh my...is it hot in here or is that oxyacetylene? Go, go my power ranger, go. But, oh, Andre, when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong??

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Hi to all my lovely Postie Pals...uh, Chiqca, I think Bjorn wants to propounce on you. teeheehee.

(Submitted by Abi )

Hi to you Dal! Chiq - just had a thought, re the banana thing - maybe they're a powerful aphrodisiac in Bjorn's home country? Either that or he has a Carmen Miranda fetish......,

(Submitted by melon )

the banana is the source of the assassin monkeys power.

(Submitted by minivan go )

is a bananna split not the sexiest dessert you've ever heard of? with a cherry on top? and nutz? and whipped cream?

(Submitted by me, myself and aye )

I don't remember the last time I paid $9.96 for a belt. Maybe when I was 10.

(Submitted by lieu lieu )

Can you girls say you've ever felt The stunning surprise life has dealt When you're staring way down knee-high Where you just pulled down a levi After unbuckling you favorite MANS BELT?

(Submitted by Juliet )

but, melon i thought the monkey assassin was killed by the FISHLEADER? Have i erred? Should I now eschew the FISHLEADER? Please write ASAP.

(Submitted by mellow yellow )

Is a hemp shirt considered BAKEWARE?

(Submitted by hefty pickens (slim's somewhat more obtrusive brother) )

Shouldn't it be 14.6 million by now?

(Submitted by Cherry on Top )

mmmm, just pour that chocolate sauce all over my head, go on, pour slowly....

(Submitted by Andre )

Dalliance, all I can do is kiss ya through the bars of a rhyme (the knee highs peel off very easily if the right temperature is applied).

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Switch to the condo/ where chore boy, Shannon, and a/ lizard share secrets

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Scott Freeman pads out/ in a chenille dressing gown/ bearing a white globe

(Submitted by Haiku Getoffa Mycloud )

Derek calls out, "You/ didn't lick off all the/ creaming soda, Scott boy"

(Submitted by Andre )

Derek to tufty-eared old lama on Tibetan mountain top: "Oh wise one, what is the secret to the world's mysteries? What is the answer to all that I seek? How may I achieve eternal happiness? Is it doing away with material possession? Renouncing sex and living a chaste life? Washing the dishes after every meal?" Wise old man picking at tufts: "Oh grasshopper, this is not the way to eternal enlightenment, it is found in the one way, the true path, the driveway to WalMart, and drinking as much AW creaming soda as you can possibly cram into that tiny western imperialist joke of a bladder of yours."

(Submitted by Corruptor of the Modern World )

Tis so lovely to be an American! (Consuming, Imperialising, strong-arming small nations left and right, talking loud and linguistically corrupting the world, not to mention destroying the environment, and eschewing irony and attention spans... lalalallalalalalalalalalala *doing cultural imperialist dance and waiting for the retailating posts to roll in*

(Submitted by Marxist FISHFOLLOWER )

Democracy sucks. Free-market economics suck. We want paternalistic socialism cause we are morons and can't decide for ourselves. Hell, no, we don't want no personal responsibility, we want matching clothes and ideologies!!! YEAH! ALL HAIL THE FISHLEADER!!

(Submitted by melon )

ha ha ha! bow before your fishleader! do a rain dance and please your fishleader, so that he will bring many gifts to you, or whatever! kiss his assassin monkey, number 1 fishleader follower! to find out more about the fishleader call: 1-800- FISHRULE or e-mail: simacow@hotmail.com

(Submitted by whatever )

!

(Submitted by Abi )

yeah! let's go fish crazy!! *doin' the pre cut carp dance...*

(Submitted by Terry )

...and for you line dancers out there, we've got the ELECTRASOL SLIDE.

(Submitted by lieu )

that's nice of you to cleanse the smelly ants.

(Submitted by Shecky )

What has four legs and eats ants?

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Terry...yay...Terry Lives!! Uh, one question my little Tasmanian Devil...you didn't lose either of those biceps or Nun-such??

(Submitted by Dally )

Tell Us Uncle Shecky??!!! What, what has four legs and eats ants???

(Submitted by Shecky )

My two uncles...parumpum!

(Submitted by Dal is Your Pal )

*rolling around on the floor laughing* Good un'!!! Holy Snowy Gravel, I almost unknowingly intercepted the punchline. The FISHLEADER is my co-pilot.

(Submitted by Shecky )

Hope the FISHLEADER drives better than you know who!

(Submitted by freud )

Nice ! Whatever.

(Submitted by Chiquita )

10 days & still no receipt in sight. I'm starting to experience utter despair & anguish. Bjorn, where are you??

(Submitted by Hummingbird )

WalFix...I have thinking very hard about this for a couple of days, what kind of chia pet to you resemble? Awaiting answer with baited breath. Here have $200!

(Submitted by Wingspan Bank )

That belongs to Derek! He won it for such excellent commitment to credit, including such wondrous examples as putting $1.90 on VISA for a counter card! Go boy! We hope that with this small cash incentive we can entice you into going the whole Hoage and taking out a massively unaffordable home loan with us! Buy buy buy! Credit credit credit!!

(Submitted by Björn Ulvæus )

Chiquita, all is gone and it seems too hard to handle

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell )

Shoosh my little petals! Stop all this political nonsense about western imperialism and paternalistic socialism. In order to foment world peace and harmony, I have decided to initiate a new satellite Olympic sport. While all those semi naked oiled up lithe supple smooth skinned open butted young athletes are leaping around on Bondi Beach punching balls and flashing just the right amount of crack for the cameras to earn enough orange juice endorsements to keep them in steroids till they tumble out of the wheelchair, I will be conducting a Tim Tam stacking contest in honour of our one and only Derek up at Ben Buckler (just a little local colour for you there, my blossoms). I'll even let you darling Americans bring Oreos and stack them instead if you insist. Oh it will be glorious! Mountains of oozing squelchy chocolate biscuits melting in the sun, and after we've found the winner of the stacking contest, we can all just dive in and cover ourselves, and if we don't like the thought of licking it all off afterwards, we can go for a quick dash into the surf and wash it all off! Brings a new meaning to the word Bondi floater, eh?

(Submitted by Andre )

mmmm, melted vinyl, rubber and chocolate biscuits...smells great, feels ssssssssexy.

(Submitted by I am not an animal )

I munch melon

(Submitted by Lovestruck Baby )

God was my co-pilot but we crashed into a mountian and I had to eat him.

(Submitted by ProjectMonkey.com )

I have deemed this site worthy..... <a href="http://www.projectmonkey .com">ProjectMonkey.com</a>

(Submitted by jay klawwetter )

i love this site. You go gerl.

(Submitted by Maddie Ciccone )

I go wonderbrar

(Submitted by Andre )

How the hell am I meant to read your website, Project Monkey? Get a new background for the text, or you're dropped! And you can have my class ring too!

(Submitted by Bonnie Piesse's lame chicken )

I now have every WalMart receipt Derek has posted, and I'm going straight to WalMart to get a refund on that frikn horse clock. By the way, I suggest you ALL visit 20 April 1997. VERY spooky.

(Submitted by Trey Efhertren )

I'm so gay I can taste it!!! Can I have some of that Cream Soda to wash down the CUM??

(Submitted by Me )

some of you people are weird.

(Submitted by whatever )

hence the !

(Submitted by WalFix )

hummin' word, tis not what but where. tis not sonny but share. tis not i love lucy, but love yer caboosey.

(Submitted by SuzinN.Cal )

Well I'll be!!! Walfix! Hi!! {{hug}} Hi Everyone ...

(Submitted by hef )

to all the girls i've flubbed before, took to the mart and never saw no more, i promise with chagrin, we won't go there again, if you think apono bulbs are such a bore...

(Submitted by wf )

SUZ!!! hello, west coast friend! please help me think of additional ways to batter this bottom of the 9th list home. My responses are borne from little more enthusiasm than bernstein might encounter from allegations al g. was the real deep throat but hey, at least he had (cow) tipper to work wif. what's the price of a bitchin frisbee out walCArt way?

(Submitted by solid goldburg )

okay, did they circumcise back in the stone age? with what, a piece of flint? oy, jeez oy!!!

(Submitted by johnny apartments )

okay, okay, okay. who are these anti-semenites? what the cluck is wrong with semen? soos ya gotta swash it off or it'll sticka toos ya. what's the big yippin deal? big smile! big smile! (and if'n you try and corrupt that, find a legit cause)

(Submitted by Nonoxynol 9 )

I am the anti-semen.

(Submitted by love boat )

just try and sail without able-bodied semen.

(Submitted by A Concerned Citizen )

Is Love Canal still off limits? Where is that, up in New York or Jersey or someplace? I sure miss playing there.

(Submitted by Chiquita )

*riding in on Trojan horse & looking wild-eyed for the able-bodied semen* I, personally, prefer Love Canal #9. But that's just me. HI SuziNCal!!! Where ya been? And WalFix, we don't have "bitchin" frisbees here in CA, but can I see about some yoga classes for ya.

(Submitted by Chiquita )

*handing out tool sets for the able-bodied semen* If y'all could put these on please, I'll be with you shortly.

(Submitted by WalFix )

heeey, don't be using the word "shortly" when talking tools please. makes us clench up. chicq, do ya mean love potion #9? i've been a HUGE herb alpert fan ever since i was about 10 and that "whipped cream and other delights" album cover came out with the bitchin brunette covered with said confectionary. you're probably too yung to remember and improperly gendered but it made quite an impression on the future fantasies of pubescent american males shopping SunRexall stores everywhere across the heartland (kind of a precursive smaller, gentler walmart.)

(Submitted by pretzel logic )

if i knew yoga i'd still be single

(Submitted by Björn Ulvæus )

Chiquita, so the walls came tumbling down, and your love's a blown out candle

(Submitted by davefromtorontocanada )

This site just proves that society has entered the long predicted slide into darkness... for godsakes..you have enough people to warrent banner ads........jesus christ...... anus bum ass

(Submitted by Neil Young )

Dear davefromtoronotcanada, can you tell me the latest news about Quarterflash?

(Submitted by Scat attack )

My mommy says spank me, but I think that's too naughty, so I just whack her with the mens belt and then pour creaming soda on the welts to make it feel better. I love my mommy.

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Dear Scat, You wouldn't happen to be the love child of Andre and his Mary Tyler Moore blow up doll, would you?

(Submitted by STLHBkid )

WHAT THE HELL?

(Submitted by electrical guy )

Rt(//)=1/R +1/R Rt--=R + R

(Submitted by Dagon )

Derrek Buddy, Ain't it time for you to go shopping again? That cream soda is bound to be gone by now.

(Submitted by Scat attack )

Mommy's name is Mary, she has a big cheesy grin, especially when she bends over while daddy uses the electrasol. I love my mommy.

(Submitted by Abi )

Derek - aren't you gong to take advantage of that flashing shopping spree - it'll give you a change to rest the ol' plastic....

(Submitted by Abi )

Typo apologies - that should read 'going' and 'chance' - *hanging my head in shame* Just give me a good thrash with the mensbelt, and I'll never make a typo again...

(Submitted by Shame )

Hey, where did this head come from?

(Submitted by glowworm )

Did the British invade Derek's Walmart or something?

(Submitted by Chiqca )

I dunno, let's ask Abi. Those are "her" people after all. Abi... did you guys invade?

(Submitted by Björn Ulvæus )

Chiquita, you and I know how the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving

(Submitted by Scat attack )

Deodorant, deodorant, I love it when my mommy sprays deodorant in my face after she's had a good whacking, I go mmm mmm, give me more mommy, but she gets a bit angry if I ask to rub some of her creaming soda onto my little pink nipples. She spanks me real hard then. I love my mommy.

(Submitted by Andre (what gives everybody head if they just ask nicely) )

Shame, I gave it to you.

(Submitted by Abi )

Chiq - I can't help with the invasion thing, nothing to do with me honest! - I couldn't quite work out from their site what they were supposed to be doing - did anyone else look? Perhaps Derek's gone on holiday?? What with all those JR sunglasses etc. Dal - is he sunning his bod somewhere??

(Submitted by susie )

Just had a bad thought, has he been arrested? Shoplifting? Fraudulent use of sponsors funds? Collaboration with the enemy?

(Submitted by Abi )

Perhaps he's been invading Britain??? Mounted on his Trojan horse, wielding the Aim 'N' Flame.....I'll check the ports...

(Submitted by Dalliance )

Last I heard the Big D was gleefully tinkering with recently purchased used computer hardware and doing something I didn't understand with DOS and LINUS..two friends of his I reckon,To be honest I am a little concerned that he may be involved with some rebel operation (perhaps the invasion of the UK) , either that or he is toying with cloning - perhaps Scat Attack was a failed attempt at cloning a Tim Tam. P.S. Good news, I heard Terry got his new front teeth installed!!!

(Submitted by Terry )

Thankth, but not yet. The thtiches came out yethterday, though, tho that ith nithe. When ith thith boy going thopping again, anyway?

(Submitted by Abi )

Dal/Terry -hello! It was a bit quiet for a mo, I'm so glad you're about. Oh Terry - I didn't realise that you'd had a loss in the dental department as well as everything else - here - suck on a tim tam, it'll be gentle with your gums. Re the invasion of the UK, news flash - french lorry drivers are currently stopping people getting back in - what do they know that we don't? Perhaps it is a clever plot of Derek and his underground movement, cunningly disguised in their JR Sunglasses - looking like sultry frenchmen??

(Submitted by Lorry )

Please stop driving me. I've had enough.

(Submitted by Terry )

Thanks for the Tm Tam, Abi. Kinda reminds me when I got my Red Badge from the Angels many years ago.

(Submitted by Abi )

what - the tim tam or no front teeth??

(Submitted by Scat attack )

Late at night, if I can't get to sleep, and after my mommy's gone to bed, I go to WalMart. I like to do it in a quiet part of store, you know, somewhere like the WalMart own brand of WalMart souvenirs and Christmas gifts. Then I like to pull down my pants and drop a big curly turd on the floor. Sometimes I aim my little botty at one of the shelves, maybe something with Sam's face on it, and poop away to my heart's content. Mmmmm, it feels so good, and so wickedly naughty at the same time. The good thing about dropping a big curly turd at WalMart is that there's such an enormous range of toilet paper to choose from, including WM's own brand, to clean my little botty with. Sometimes I use the ass wipes or baby wipes to give me that special clean feeling - zing! And a little bit of Ultra Palm X afterwards makes me feel so smooth and supple. When my mommy is checking my underpants before I go to school, sometimes she smells the Ultra Palm X on my botty, and asks me sternly where that smell comes from. She's cross with me, but I know she loves me. And I love my mommy.

(Submitted by undertow )

you should try shoplifting from wal mart......its easy

(Submitted by Security Schitt )

youll need to come down town with me there undertow ..we need to know where you were on 1987 jan 5th at 652 pm..Oh and we need you to try on this glove!!

(Submitted by Andre )

Dearest Dalliance, I've finally removed the molten remains of the knee highs and the MTM blow up doll (my, the places you can find vulcanised latex!), and as I step out into a bright new dawn I find - nothing! That's right, not your perty little sunny smile lighting up the day, and I have nought a blow up doll with which otherwise to satisfy myself (how's that for impressive grammar, Milton eat your heart out). I'm starting to look at Scat Attack in a whole new light......................

(Submitted by Andre )

Ah, and that would be why then, a new receipt. Drats, foiled again.

(Submitted by caroline )

I'm wondering if Derek has any teeth. He drinks an awful lot of soda.

(Submitted by rabbit redux )

Sorry...I was looking for K- Mart

(Submitted by Brad Ledsinger )

Hmmm- Does Wal-Mart carry Mullet spray?

(Submitted by my belly button smells like rosy potpourri )

Hey, I would suggest that you all take a whiff of your belly buttons. In my many years of life, I hadn't, and today I did. My belly button smells like rosy potpourri! Maybe yours will, too!

(Submitted by NYCFASHIONGIRL )

MAKE SURE THE BELT MATCHES THE SHOES!

(Submitted by Gern Blandston )

My belly button smells like ass.