Visitor Comments:

(Submitted by Mark)

me first... :-)

(Submitted by Cali Girl)

Me second. Is an after bite anything like an overbite??

(Submitted by MARY)

WHAT!!!!! NO TAMPON PURCHASES FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND!! JUST LIKE A GUY SCARED THAT A FRIEND WILL SEE YOU WITH A BOX OF THEM!!! LOL

(Submitted by sapphire)

A copmut desk! The perfect place for your copmut to do it's work.

(Submitted by SuzinN.Cal)

Wow! So police dogs get their own desks these days???

(Submitted by Ktulu)

Yeah - he must have bitten someone while on duty (the purpose for the After Bite spray) and was therefore given a desk job.

(Submitted by donkeyschool)

When did they come out with an X-sized battery?

(Submitted by Gabrielle)

Hey, Dall, baby, you have email!!!! Finally I sent you the toolbelt man pic. Hope you like it! I just saw the last receipt - Derek went all out on the that one, and now he bought a copmut desk too. Man, I've been missing all the action. I'm glad I decided to check in and see the goings on. I could use a new copmut desk for my copmuter. And a new cahir to sit in too. Maybe Derek will buy one for me?

(Submitted by Sweet Princess )

Where oh where has my chiquita gone, and dally? I am sad without them. a computer dest and after bite x and still it lacks that special something.......

(Submitted by melon)

the army of fish from space will CONTROL the world, SOON. be ready. or be toast!!! with butter.

(Submitted by Andre)

We sell melon for less. Always.

(Submitted by melon)

dont SELL me, love me, worship my power and wisdom. come ON!!!!!!!

(Submitted by Willy)

WHAT!!! No food your one messed up guy. Next time go grocery shopping!¿!¿!¿

(Submitted by Don)

After Bite works great after being attacked by the state bird of Minnesota-----the mosquito!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

equate anti: it just doesn't figure - speaking of figures, GabeyBaby...hubbahubba..thanks for the naked guy in the toolbelt pic...nice Phillip's head he had, eh?...He reminds me a lot of Derek.

(Submitted by Dally w/ a vengence)

*waving madly at the Sweet Princess*...melon, may i be a crumpet please? better yet a croissant? I like really big batteries.

(Submitted by MarkB)

that wasn't me as 'me first'!

(Submitted by MarkB)

now that i've got a (Minnesota-brewed) ale in me, it all makes sense ... After Bite X is another addition to the porn video collection, some cheap vampire thing ... Equate Anti some generic birth control substance ... and all those batteries mean Derek was thinking of his woman after all

(Submitted by Dalliance)

hey..helllooooo, I keep trying to tell you people: *I* AM Derek's woman!!!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

....and as soon as I get out of this lame excuse for a Correctional Facility, I'm hitch-hiking straight to Fargo to be with Him...unless, of course Wal*Fix can break me out first, in which case I'll probably go with him.

(Submitted by julie)

hey well like i want some of that weed derick mail me ok?

(Submitted by Randy)

Dalliance, my little ex con of passion, be at the east wall at midnight, I'll bring the ladder and some fuzzy dice, there's no jail built that can keep us apart

(Submitted by Annette Funicello)

F&!@ it's cold in Fargo. I've been sitting outside the front door of the Wal*Mart store for ours now, waiting for it to open, so I can race in and buy another copmut desk, just like Derek's. Ooh, a hutch, so now. Waiting, Matt Krieg, waiting....................... ..............

(Submitted by Monique)

This site is funky-fresh, dope!

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Ok, for better or worse, I've come back. I'm like that trail of ants in your pantry- just when you think I'm gone, I come back again from another direction. *waving happily at Dal-baby and Sweet P.* And a HUGE *wink wink* gasp of glee to Dal & Gabrielle for the tool belt/set pic! Now, on to receipt business... Did ya ever notice that it says "We sell for less Manager Matt Krieg"? Does that mean Matt is for sale.. and for less?? Forgive me if this topic has already been covered. I have a memory as short as a copmut.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

oh Randy...yes...Randy yes, I will be waiting. Remember the xanac-laced 'Kibbles and Bits' for the copmuts...although they seem pretty preoccupied ever since they got that new desk. They spend all their time slobbering over that www.beastality_giveadogabone.com site, panting out "Knick Knack, would ya get a load of the woofers on that bitch" So, throw me a fuzzy die and I'll be outta here and in your arms faster than you can equate an anti.

(Submitted by copmut)

Patty Whacccccckkkkkkkkkk

(Submitted by Andre)

Mmm, do that again copmut, and I'll give you a sweet after bite.

(Submitted by Bonnie Piesse's lame chicken)

I confess...sick of waiting for lexic0n, Pixel and Marco (and for more filter pads, jeezus), I have created a database of Derek's receipts. I'm up to June 2000. It's making interesting reading, such as discovering that 409 appears much earlier than one would have imagined... It's in Filemaker Pro 3 (for the Mac), so if anyone has any great facility with Filemaker Pro 3, perhaps you could give me some tips on extracting data, rather than having to scroll through every record every time we have to find something out...........

(Submitted by Bonnie Piesse's lame chicken)

Sorry to get you all too excited, but I made a mistake - I'm up to June 1999, just one more year to go.

(Submitted by Susie)

How come you are putting up World War Eleven memorials in the States? DID I MISS SOMETHING?

(Submitted by melon)

a poem: the snail was walking; the snail stood; the snail lookd up; i ate today; i did not eat the snail; the snail died; i died; what is a snail?; who am i?; THE END.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Susie, you mean you missed WWs 3-11?? Don't you guys get newspapers in France?? Sheesh!

(Submitted by WalFix)

Have slot-head, Will travel, Dalliance. Me and my trustee tool belt will rescue you from silly old soft time at the Clarance Thomas Correctional Flaccility and get you doing hard time with Unkie Buck. Yeehar! Get ready for a little come-along in yer get-along as we sashay our way cross country via bar counters until Fargo's within smell. I'll share you wif Derek if'n I gotta but he better know beforehand I eat $6.37 X-rated batteries for breakfast and wash em down with a warm Heinie.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Welcome back, WF! How's your after bite doing?

(Submitted by Jokes are us)

Why Did the ABC Gum cross the Road???

(Submitted by Dalliance on the Lam (not Lamb although I've been known to play one if asked nicely))

who's Unkie Buck? Is he any kin to copmutt? *rubbing Heinie*

(Submitted by gobi)

It is uncanny how every purchase by the D-man is so calculated that he never has to return any of his items. He must be an android. And this days purchases only perpetuates that hypothesis.

(Submitted by WalFix)

My after bite would be much better, Chiquita, after a little foreplay. What's the deal wif'n the Equate Anti? Derek running sugar-free antifreeze in that bitchin' Volare these days? Heck, I'd pee in it for him for $1.97. Baaaa Little Bo Dally. I was driving by Derek's place the other day and as I got close started noticing all the sheep backed up to the fence. Why do you think that was???

(Submitted by MarkB)

Actually Gobi I spend at least as much at WM as Derek and I only ever returned two things -- a cheap-ass clock that stopped working and something else ... I forget what

(Submitted by MarkB)

Also, if Derek were an android, he'd be buying alot more batteries ... then again "Derek" and "Deckard" sound suspiciously alike

(Submitted by Chiquita)

The reason I was gone for so long is I was in the hospital. I had second degree burns on the back of my thighs and cheeks. You see, Diallance persuaded me to fart out a candle and my room caught fire. I will never listen to her again.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Wal*fix!!!!! I can't BELIEVE you...Derek is NOT that kinda man! Now, you have been a bad, bad boy...come here and let me wash your mouth out.

(Submitted by Truisms)

Meanness is a sign of a small penis. Obsession with passing gas is a sign of being fourteen years old, having a tiny penis and access to Mommy and Daddy's PC. Ignore Insignificance

(Submitted by WalFixture)

Hey, how about just an old fashioned spanking? I'd just always heard that's why people wore boots - so they'd have a place to put the sheep's back legs. And you know, for a time our Derek was buying a lot of singe boots. Figured every once in awhile the sheep got away with one. No, I'm only kidding. Derek's a good shepherd. Probably reads us every once in awhile and says "What the flock?"

(Submitted by Sigmund Freud)

Obsession with passing gas is an indication that said function is the only one patient is capable of doing adequately, hence it's continual reference. In an effort to embarrass others, patient insists on championing his/her *only* ability but in reality this pathetic posturing only serves to emphasis his/her cowardice and incompetency in all other areas of his/her life. Very sad.

(Submitted by one hung high)

a small penis is the sign of a small penis.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Ok, there goes the imposter again. Whoever you are, put your own name on your obnoxious, vulgar, rude posts- you coward!

(Submitted by Dallianatrix)

DON'T make me get out of this padded cell, Wally!

(Submitted by planet uranus)

so those who would champion a new "art form" really don't subconsciously mean "fart dorm?" would the "state of the art fart dorm" be found in fargo?

(Submitted by a t a r i )

attention K-MART shoppers...

(Submitted by Randy)

Dalliance, my little felonious passion flower. If you're on the lamb, when will you be baaaaaaaaaaaaack? I'll wait for ewe by the east wall. Don't worry about the dogs, I got them a hacked password to www.bigpuppies.com, they'll be busy all night.

(Submitted by Andre)

I think I saw Derek wearing dark glasses in KMart the other day. He was with some blonde bimbo, I think she had "Shannon" embroidered on her left pectoral. Do you think this means anything?

(Submitted by julie)

why doesnt the walmart in my hometown sell those for under $30? damn! ripped off again!

(Submitted by WE "N/A")

Gooooo Tooooo Beddddd!!!!!

(Submitted by Susie)

TIME TO WAKE UP!!!!!!!!

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

Uh Oh. Me thinks "Shannon" means non-she!

(Submitted by Shopping CartMan)

Holy Shit, Man! They killed Kenny!

(Submitted by Joe Momma)

i Stoopid PErsoN aRe. Dum Fuk es me! BIg dIcK. tinnyIER prICk. Tank GOodNEse foR SOOciel SeKURIty.

(Submitted by mr. sapien)

were gaelics the original homos?

(Submitted by Need a Fix)

Please, Jokes R Us, please tell me why the ABC gum crossed the road. I can't sleep until I know

(Submitted by Sharon)

why? you must have a lot of free time. i am just wondering how old you are?

(Submitted by gummy bare)

old enough to want, errr, need a good spanking.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

(Submitted by Twinkles)

OK, I'm to the end of the receipts. Derek, have you given up gardening? No Scott Soil purchases in a long time.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

sharon, brooms are on aisle 9 but coolers are outta yer reach.

(Submitted by in lieu of weed)

i have a lot of free time. i can't decide whether to spend it lighting my farts or watching sharon grow old. ow! hot hot hot hot hot!!!!

(Submitted by 16" WalStud)

Want to see something extraordinary? Pull up a chart of WalMart (WMT) on a quote engine and look at the performance correlary between the stock's price and the advent of Derek's shopping trips there. Management are foolish not to give our webmaster a butt-load of shares, or at least options with a 11/96 strike price. Derek, do your powers of increasing the size and value of a particular concern extend to, say, one's Johnson? Hang on while I incorporate Mr. Winkie and I'll mail you some receipts to post.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

I strayed at Howard's Johnson once

(Submitted by SuzinN.Cal)

"What the flock?" *LOL*

(Submitted by Ned Lud/ Hayduke)

Holy smoke. Why you should have got some roling papers and some brillo pads. while your at it score some rox from all of the trailer trash that shops with you in that joint. Rock up dat meth your cracktoothed proto yuppie!!

(Submitted by howard sperm)

ba ba boOoooOeEEeyyy Fa Fa Foooey! Smoke some chronic Drum n bass @ 420 tc, northern lights, jack Herer, blueberry, bigbud you name it we smoke it .... all in the back room of wally world

(Submitted by Randy)

Dalliance!!! NO!!!! say it isn't so!!! My little escaped prisoner of love would never stray. My childlike faith is shattered. (has Derek bought any glue lately?)

(Submitted by Andre)

...and the second "n" in Shannon seemed to be raised a little, as if supported by something firm and supple underneath. I don't think they were standing in frozen goods at the time.

(Submitted by Iva Nuthawun)

If you ask me, Matt ALWAYS has something firm and supple raised underneath his customer service apron.

(Submitted by Miss Ma'am)

Sigmund, my dear boy, sometimes a fart is just a fart.

(Submitted by Hardware Associate)

WALFIX THE STOCKMAN, PLEASE BRING A LARGE SPRAY BOTTLE OF FEBREZE TO THE GARDEN CENTER BY THE *GAS* GRILLS!!!!!!

(Submitted by melon)

what is a monkey, if not a man with lots of hair?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Randy, that was a typo. I meant *stayed*, why of course I did. Andre, see how well I am ignoring your taunts! *hands wrapped in white knuckled fist* See how effective all that group therary behavior modification and electro shock treatment has been...I should be out of here in no time.... HAHAHAHAHAHhahahah.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

melon, you know Lacan said that there is an importance sense in which people are retarded chimpanzees,

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Just though I would mention that. Equate anti!!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Randy, have you ever tried to fart out a candle? You should try it sometime. Don't listen to Chiquitta. She just doesn't know how to do it. If you aim just right, the blue streak can set your mammy on fire. Bye.

(Submitted by Abi)

I have been reading this site for so long now - I had to say hello, especially to the regulars who make me smile every day (yes, every day, I'm hooked!). But a special hello to Dalliance and Chiquita - I started to panic that you'd left for good - glad you're both back and with a vengeance!

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Abi, so glad to hear from you *waving excitedly at our new poster* Just beware & don't let the Dalliance/Chiquita imposter (i.e. see last Dal post) fool you. You can usually spot him/her by the complete lack of imagination or humor in the posts.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Derek, couple of questions. How is your kitter?? I'm worried because pet supplies have been conspicuously absent from the receipts. Also, how is the copmut doing? Does he like his desk? Be very careful with him, though, his after bite can be a real killer.

(Submitted by WalPix)

You're bang on Chiquita. That twern't our Dally. In fact, I'd judge the IQ drop for Imposter X to rate a good 68 to 69 (yeehar!!!) points low. Miss Ma'am, an expulsion is never just an expulsion, much like Royal Blew is never identical to Royal Blew under different lighting conditions. And melon, no matter how much hair I have, I hope my ass never looks like those technicolored baboon asses. What's up wif dat? HAIR ACCESSORIES out the ying yang, if you please.

(Submitted by Randa)

After Bite? It would appear that Derek has been rolling in the bushes a lot lately and getting a few too many mosquito bites...I guess he just couldn't wait to get Shannon home from Kmart?

(Submitted by in lieu of tweed)

Randa(sp?), Shannon's only 12. She doesn't even know what a HAIR ACCESSORY is for yet.

(Submitted by lisp sync)

kitter? ro way! my rasty kitter's always catchirg a rap.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Lisp sync, are you sure you're not Scooby Doo???

(Submitted by Abi)

Hi Chiquita - don't you worry - I can spot you & Dalliance a mile away! As you say - the humour/wit/intelligence is unsurpassed! Keep on rockin' girls! I'm right behind you....well a few miles over the water....but still here and, oops better get back to work....

(Submitted by melon)

i dont have a job. im a retard monkey boy. and so it shall be written.

(Submitted by walfix)

Hardwear Associate, I'd do so if'n I knew what FEBREZE was. Do you get it when you run out of Beano in Jan.? And Gas Grills, an odiferous interrogation?

(Submitted by pulp diction)

written where?

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

you're killing me melon... let me get this straight - in your world there are god-like assassin monkeys, technicolor- assed monkeys AND retarded monkeys? what color is your sky in there? ahhh, but to return to those carefree days of recreational hugs and blotted kleenex.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

a monkey flew out my butt once. it was kind of an unusual day.

(Submitted by yankee dipper)

i wonder if abi and mrs. campbell know each other. i mean, isn't the u.k. just like 8 blocks wide or something? maybe they have kippers and tea together or go to the same dentist.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Dear Abi, thank you so much, you sweet little biscuit, you! And melon, i hope you didn't misunderstand and think i called you a retarted monkey, it was Lacan not i...but as we're on the subject...have you ever flown out of anyone's butt? Just curious.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

yank dip, Mrs. Campbell is Austrailian, not British. And the dentist stab was uncalled for...remember stereotypes are for lame brains and those that hail from New Jersey.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Hey, Dallianiace, baby. I have had things fly out of my butt. Mainly wind and air. And dust a few times. And, the occasional gallstone works itsself out of my colon. You know, my sphincter muscles aren't as strong as they used to be. (I realize most people reading this page don't know what a sphincter muscle is.)

(Submitted by fly swatter)

you're a technicolored baboon sphincter, false poster. you don't know what a pest is, or wit, or humor, or...

(Submitted by dipstick)

wait dally, i LIKE abi and mrs. campbell. british teeths are recognized universally as something to kid about. Come on, put the u back in humor. while every brit can't have as beautiful a set of pearlies as austin powers, the simple fact i've never met the bodacious ladies implies said reference is only in jest. besides, if mrs. campbell is an aussie then she's probably in some penis colony and she and abi never could have been neighbors.

(Submitted by bend over)

forget the loser..the more we react the more it gets off....and let's all try to keep in mind that this person is pubescent and and in dire need of attention. don't reward its pathetic behavior.

(Submitted by THE REAL CHIQUITA)

Dammit, don't make me climb in this computer & kick your ass you imbecile [special note to the imbecile: the definition of that word is "a person of moderate to severe mental retardation"- I'd say it fits perfectly]. I am seriously out of here. Maybe I'll come back under another name. I'm sick & tired of this fucking moron trying to make me look as pathetic is he/she is. [sorry about the f- word everyone- not my normal language- but I'm pissed!!!] BYE!!!

(Submitted by One more Chiquita post)

And sorry to Derek. I know this is not what you had in mind.

(Submitted by Dally)

*kissing dipstick feverishly* I wish to take you up into the heavens and make love to you like Aphrodite *sheik kiss*

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

now hold on just a minute little missy *grabbing ankle*. you better stick around and tittilate us a bunch more, chiquita. like ben dover said, forget the loser.

(Submitted by Dally)

and then move to Austrailia immediately

(Submitted by Dalliance)

*grapping mellow's ankle as he is grapping Chiquita's ankle* Chiqca, Doooonnn'ttttt Gooooooooooo...come stay and play grap the ankle...stayyyyyyyyyyyyy pllluueeasseeeeee

(Submitted by Chiquita)

*peeking in with great trepidation* I need all my friends to protect me from the imbecile. Dal-baby, WF, lieu, MY, Sweet. P., Abi, will you guys protect me? I'm just a little Chiquita banana and have no defenses against big, dumb imbeciles. *rubbing sore ankle*

(Submitted by Dalliance)

*grapping Chiqie's hand (while still hanging on to mellow's ankle*)* I'll protect you Sweet Chiqs...stick with me. Wow Wee, mellow, you got some girth on this ankle. I'm impressed. Come check this out Chiquita...*handing over mellow's girth*

(Submitted by Chiquita)

*blushing furiously* Ummmm, this is quite a... uhhhh... ankle, mellow. What do I do with it now? *holding at a safe distance with a facial tissue*

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Hey Fart Brain, you want to mess with somebody, come mess with me...you little chicken shit, I'll blow out your candle out so fucking fast you won't even even have time to pull your head out of that stretched-out sphincter you call your ass.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Somebody hand me my strap-on and let me give this headless wonder what it REALLY wants. Come here, you bitch, I've got something for you.

(Submitted by walfix)

WOW!!! A verbal AIM N FLAME. Would there be a WalMart in Utah? Cuz if there be then I'm moving there and setting up a poligamy shop with Dal and Chiq. Hey Abi, Suz, SP, wanna come? Mrs. Campbell, I'm interested but know you're already spoken for. I promise to do my duty to fill you all with mirth or girth or whatever's handy. Yeehar! Derek, can I borrow that CRIB and some BODY GEL from you, Bro?

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

gee, i never knew a twisted ankle could be so pleasurable. more body gel please, girls.

(Submitted by my oh m(ellow) y(ellow))

oh, and chiq, how about decreasing the distance and dropping the TISSUE?

(Submitted by reality check)

You mean somebody finally figured out it's best to ignore these fake & stupid posters? I can't believe the amount of time that has sometimes been spent here chastising some 14-year-old

(Submitted by abby normal)

i get a woody every time i go to walmart these days. 2 months ago i would have thought anybody that said that was a loonie but now it seems, well, normal.

(Submitted by in lieu of reed)

yeah, this site shouldn't have anything to do with chastity.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

yeah lieu I'm with you, screw chasity

(Submitted by Dal your pal)

chastity even...woohoo...but not the Bono one...she seems like a nice girl and lord knows she's had enough grief

(Submitted by Woodrow)

I also get a woody every time I go to Wal-Mart ... $7.99 in the Health & Beauty section

(Submitted by Smokey the Bear)

Hi, guys. Hi, to Dal and Chiquita, too. (Waving to you guys.) I love your posts!

(Submitted by SuzinN.Cal)

Hi Abi *s* (nother new poster here) Isn't this a great site? I love reading everything everyone writes .. well ... cept the bad posts.

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Thank you Dally for sticking up for me (would you mind sticking it up somewhere a little further from my face though?). And Dipstick, I do like the thought of living in a penis colony. I guess the definition of a penis colony is a load of young Hollywood hunks making cheap films out here (Keanu, Tom, Val, Jean-Claude....). This would probably make it easier than having to clean out the fanny (ha ha ha, quaint antipodean use of the term, yeah right, like we don't get a huge belly larf out of the theme song to The Nanny) after a bit of rough and tumble with a Tim Tam.

(Submitted by Liz)

I have seen the promised land. I spent most of today (taking breaks now and then to eat, watch TV, etc.) going through all these receipts and reading all the comments. I've been laughing so hard I've actually snorted a few times, you visitors are very funny. I feel like I've made this incredible accomplishment, LOL...VERY cool site, Derek, I'm glad my friend stumbled across it late one night!!! Kudos to you, and keep scanning, please?!

(Submitted by MarkB)

again with the Tim Tams ...

(Submitted by marsh)

I Love This Site. I dont know what I would do in my spare time If it wasnt for Dereks Site. This Rocks... yeah Baby!!!

(Submitted by Wow I think so too.. This is a cool web sight. THANKS DEREK!!!)

wAl-mArT rUlEs.....

(Submitted by melon)

poem: a man held his life; he did not want to go; but the big assassin monkey killed him; and now he dosnt know. THE END.

(Submitted by Abi)

It's true the uk is only 8 blocks wide - but my teeth aren't too bad (for a brit), but probably still scary enough to frighten the imbecile off. Chiquita - hang on in - all your friends are with you!!

(Submitted by lonesome_dove_nz)

hmmmmmmmmmmm....very interesting, think i better go and have a read of some of my old receipts..........in fact im thinking of having a receipt party....anyone in for some good old fashioned receipt swapping..........lol

(Submitted by verbose mime)

Screw chastity, ha! Was that S&C's kid's name? Wouldn't you have to be an oxymoron to name your kid Chastity Bono? Guess I can't say that now since he caught a woody also. I do miss him, though. It would have been fun to take him to the mart's boy's department and buy him clothes.

(Submitted by verbose mime)

Screw chastity, ha! Was that S&C's kid's name? Wouldn't you have to be an oxymoron to name your kid Chastity Bono? Guess I can't say that now since he caught a woody also. I do miss him, though. It would have been fun to take him to the mart's boy's department and buy him clothes.

(Submitted by one quart low)

Top o' the morning to you, Mrs. C. I agree wif you about Val, he's pretty cool but how about Mel? And I like the way you EQUATE ANTIpodean fannys wif belly laughs *lmfo*

(Submitted by i dunno)

antipodean? fear of public speaking?

(Submitted by Abi)

It's true the bloody uk is only 8 blocks wide - but me teeff ain't too bloody good (for a brit), but probably still scary enough ter frighten the bloody imbecile off, init? Chiquita - 'ang on in - all yor muckers are wiv yer! Struth!! Right!

(Submitted by Abi)

It's true da damn uk be only 8 blocks wide - but mah' teed ain't too baaaad (fo' some brit), but probably still scary enough t'frighten de imbecile off. Word to yo' momma. Chiquita - hang on in, blood - all yo' homeys is wid ya'! Preach it loud, bruddah!

(Submitted by Abi)

It'syay uetray ethay ukyay isyay onlyyay 8 ocksblay ideway - utbay ymay eethtay aren'tyay ootay adbay (orfay ayay itbray), utbay obablypray illstay aryscay enoughyay otay ightenfray ethay imbecileyay offyay. Iquitachay - anghay onyay inyay - allyay youray iendsfray areyay ithway youay!!

(Submitted by WalFix)

Dear Abi, do you have WalMarts across the pond? If so, do their receipts have entertaining WALSPEAK codes for the items too? Any regional ditties we might enjoy hearing of here?

(Submitted by Abi (the real one))

Dear dear WalFix, I haven't as yet found myself in a UK branch of WalMart, but we do have Tesco's. And just glancing at some old receipts I have found at the bottom of my handbag I notice that my customer service manager is Charles Esterling - must look him up. No particularly funny codes for items, although I did purchase 3 x garlic d/balls on one day - fascinating! Unfortunately, we don't post missing children in our shops. Anyway, I will now keep a close look at my receipts - especially for you, and notify you of any UK peculiarities (apart from our teeth).

(Submitted by banana republic)

I heard on the radio today that Wal*Mart is going to be opening a bunch of new stores in Germany. I think they should hire Der to head up the publicity promotion. I'm sure chore boy & the copmut would enjoy a trip to Germany.

(Submitted by diction smiction)

Germ many. Germs a plenty. Jer mammy. Germ in me. Just germin' out, having a Bud.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

garlic balls? oh behave!

(Submitted by bananer)

A Bud? What about your Heinie? Don't forget about your Heinie.

(Submitted by my oh my)

you mean, like, get in touch wif myself? hi chiq!

(Submitted by walfix)

Not just garlic balls, but Triple XXX to boot. Saucy!

(Submitted by in lieu of tweed)

speaking of "to boot", anyone ever figure out why derek kept buying just one boot? he wouldn't be very hard for a tracker to follow, would he? especially with that sheep hoof in the mix...

(Submitted by Chiqca)

Ah, WalFish, you're just too smart for your own good. You saw through my clever disguise. Someone put a boot over his head.

(Submitted by Abi)

hey, I really know how to party - just checked the receipt again, and apparently bought one bacon rasher - and paid cash! XXX garlic balls - you don't know what you missed!

(Submitted by Chiq)

Abi, you're a wild one. No doubt about it. Someone on the East Coast should toss Abi a Mt. Dew.

(Submitted by wf)

Tesco's. That's not a store John Tesh started is it, like Walton's WalMart? Yeech! Would you buy Triple XXX garlic balls from this man? I just found a site where you can punch him out. Great, now I'm hooked again.

(Submitted by wf)

balling garlic, rashing bacon and mounting dew... holy apono bulb, you make 9 1/2 weeks seem as tame as teletubbies.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

Electrical banana Is gonna be a sudden craze Electrical banana Is bound to be the very next phase

(Submitted by rechargable)

i bet derek has some kind of a force field around his house from all the batteries he buys. or maybe he just walks around with a 3-pack of D's in his pocket like he's glad to see everyone.

(Submitted by walfix)

Hey Liz, can you send us a WAV file of you snorting out loud? Is that what *SOL* means?

(Submitted by Terry)

I just hope Derek remembers to put all three batteries in the same pocket...and a FRONT one.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

I don't see any fake posts from the idiot imposter. I am sorry I was so hard on him/her before. You know, farting is a funny thing. Actually, one of my favorite things to do is have a nice meal of beans and crab cakes, and let the good times blow.

(Submitted by Chiquita)

I am sorry too for being rude to the imposter. This is a true story: My grandmother, who lives with me, didn't have any matches for her cigarette. I bent over and farted into a lit candle to light her smoke. Sadly, it set her hair on fire, too.

(Submitted by mellow yellow)

ha, terry, if he put them in the back pocket he'd only get the imposter's attention. what a numbnut! i'm going to try walking thru our mart with a 9 volt next time. in front. low. like, ankle low.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Abi, you guys might not have WalMart's yet but you've got Pot O Noodles...could you PLEASE send me the Sainsbury version...ham and cheese please..I loved those things! Oh and some McVite's milk chocolate covered biscuits..yum yum..I'll send you a Pollenex 2000 body massager *wink nudge* in return!!!!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Terry-BABY!!!...how's your after bite?

(Submitted by Terry)

Cleaned up nicely with a handsome dose of Equate Anti (septic?) Unfortunately, the swelling is going down. Maybe I should get one of them big ol' lantern batt'ries.

(Submitted by Dally)

*looking at Terry with a boo-boo lip*

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Excuse me everyone, I just bought a new office pet from a street vendor...it's one of those cute little dogs with the bobbing head..(but he is very wee version). I was thinking of naming him Derek Jr. but I am asking for other names suggestion. He is light golden brown with brown eyes and a red smiley mouth...suggestions anyone??

(Submitted by Terry)

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGHHHH...Here, have a copmut desk!

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Dal, my suggestions (in addition to the fine idea of Derek Jr.) are, in no particular order: Hot Dog, Copmut, Chore Boy, or Bob.

(Submitted by Chiquita again)

Or how about Boot. Boot, heel! Boot, fetch! Roll over, Boot!

(Submitted by Boot)

Yap, yap. Grrrrrrr. Yap! *head bobbing joyously*

(Submitted by Astro)

Copmut. retch a roriceman, retch a roriceman.

(Submitted by WalFishing)

Bob is good. That's what I named my cork but you can use it too. Just don't be surprised if my cork comes running everytime you call out that name.

(Submitted by left-handed compliment)

i was asked to become a rotarian but don't really like that whole circle-jerk thing.

(Submitted by Dalliance with Apono Bulb over her head)

Chiqua...Bob...LOL...I luv it!!! How about Derek Bob the Copmut? or Bob Derek? Hey Derek, Honeybun, my little Snickerdoodle, I wonder if you would consider setting us up a page where we could send pictures of such things as Bob Derek the Copmut? I could take a picture of him at a little desk...maybe others might want to send their visions of Black Elisha, Choreboy, melon, or, perhaps, a painting of "Blue Woman with Pre-cut Carp"...oh wait, melon is real..sorry, you little mouth-watering ball o' sweetness. Yes, Mrs C. could maybe send us a pic of a Tim Tam (unused of course). I would be willing to be the archivist, if you would consider. We can talk about this later tonight in bed (after you untie me from the brass headboard) but I just thought I would mention it now too!

(Submitted by Tim Tam)

I hate being used.

(Submitted by Mermaid Avenue)

Tim, Tam, Thank You, Man!! Hey, Babe, you'll get used to it...here, have a Swedish Fish.

(Submitted by Terry)

Tim Tam - not the best thing in the world, but next to the best.

(Submitted by Bonnie Piesse's lame chicken)

Is anyone interested in knowing that Derek's favourite customer service officer is

(Submitted by Tim Tam)

Sorry, Mermaid Avenue, but I'd rather have a butterfing X.

(Submitted by Andre)

Hello hello hello everybody, sorry to be away for so long, I've been trying to get digicam evidence of Shannon and Derek getting their hands on each other's PB bonbons. Hey, what happened to Bonnie Piesse's lame chicken? and the person is...? are you still out there? can you give us the information? In fact, is anybody still out there? I went to the chat room and it was closed.

(Submitted by willma)

wally world my favorite store in the world i never thought of saving my reciepts great site but i feel like the new kid on the block can i play too?????

(Submitted by Jerry)

This is so COOL !! Why didn't I think of this?? How could I have been so stupid?!?!?!

(Submitted by Hardware Associate)

Sorry, walphix, that was gas GIRLS...FEBREZE is somewhat like Massengils for the lower intestine....well, in SOME cultures. Buy it, you'll like it.

(Submitted by Abi)

Dal, Chiquita, WF, mellow and all the gang - helloooo! Dal - Pot Noodles eh? And Sansbury's own - phew, beats my garlic balls. Let me know how many crates you want and I'll ship 'em over, not forgetting the choccy biccies either! Have you decided on a name for the dog yet? I did like Boot, and if it fits....!

(Submitted by andy s)

this guy buys a lot of batteries... and tissues...

(Submitted by Dalliance (waking up late))

willllmmmaaaaaa!! *amazing Fred Flintstone impersonation* yes, come play with us and bring your favorite battery, bulb, and/or flavorful treat! Abi...*smooch* thank you, love. Right now i'm calling him Bob Derek the Copmut...a)because his head bobs b)because I'm born and bred in the deep south and it important that a dude have two names c)because Derek is the McDaddy.

(Submitted by Dalliance and BD the Copmut)

Andre, i was worried. *GGGGGGRRRRRRRRR* --Down. Bob Derek the Copmut..Down, boy..no, no, no peeing on Andre's leg--

(Submitted by wf)

Massingils.. a large assemblage of PreCut Carp?

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Welcome willma!!! *flashing bright welcome smile* Here, have a battery. Ummm, would you mind setting me up with Bam Bam? He's got one hot tool set. And Dal-baby, please give Bob Derek the Copmut a couple pats on the head from his Auntie Chiqua.

(Submitted by Abi)

Dalliance Daaahling, Bob Derek is just perfect and very cute! A titchy dog is a very fasionable access. at the moment - could try as hair access - although might be difficult to sit Bob Derek on your head - unless he's very well trained in the balance department....anyway I digress, the heat is making me ramble. I'm off for a couple of ice cubes...Hi to Chiquita !

(Submitted by Abi)

Dalliance Daaahling, Bob Derek is just perfect and very cute! A titchy dog is a very fasionable access. at the moment - could try as hair access - although might be difficult to sit Bob Derek on your head - unless he's very well trained in the balance department....anyway I digress, the heat is making me ramble. I'm off for a couple of ice cubes...Hi to Chiquita !

(Submitted by Abi)

There goes that echo again...

(Submitted by Banana)

echo... echo... echo... Elvis has left the building. echo... echo... echo...

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Pebbles wears a bone in her hair...I'd like one of those...Bet Bob Derek would sit on my head if I did. Andy, do you *really* have a hairy tongue? Can you send me a picture of it? Thank you, thank you very much *astonishing Elvis impersonation*

(Submitted by Mermaid Ave.)

Tim, do not we all wish we could have a butterfing?

(Submitted by Terry?)

Hey Dal, *wondering* I was born in da nort', but have lived most my life in the south. Am i required to add a second moniker to fit in, such as Terry Bill? Hey, Terry Bill, terrible, I kinda like it. You southerners rock!

(Submitted by Dalliance)

I like Terry Rayl...or Terry Bob is good...Terry Bill doesn't work so well I'm afraid cuz you an A or O sound with the second name in this case. Hey, how about Terry Al? *winking and waving a hanger*

(Submitted by Chiqua)

How about Terry Joe.

(Submitted by Joan Crawford)

Dalliance, I thought I told you NO WIRE HANGERRRRRRRRRRS!!!!!! *wire hanger flying through the air with lightening speed*

(Submitted by Dal saying ow!)

OUCHIE!!! *quivering bottom lip* but it wasn't that *kind* of hanger, not a *spanky* hanger. Terrrryyyyy Joeeee, that mean lady is trying to hanger me..*jumping into Terry Joe's big musclely arms* By the way, do you have any candy?

(Submitted by Terry Boy)

See how confoozin' it is down here...I never heerd of the A or O rule. Thanks for your usual deft resolution at solving the most intricate of problems. One more, please. Being that you engage in a close personal relationship with the Master of Chore Boy, can you advise me how to keep my couch smelling fresh on the front porch? Oh, by the way...COPMUT...HAHAHA!

(Submitted by Dally Steward)

A good squirt down with Massingil (vinegar vanilla is a popular choice) works well for most couch alfresco - best if applied during waxing (never waining) of moon. You got any candy?

(Submitted by Chiquita)

Dally with the sweet tooth, here, have a Kraft caramel.

(Submitted by cheeky monkey)

*writing in curly letters* Dalliance Dahlsad....Mrs. Derek Dahlsad....Ms. Dally Dahlsad...Mr. & Mrs. Derek and Dalliance Dahlsad....*imagining in manly Derek voice* Chore Boy, I'd like you to meet your new Mistress, Mrs. Dalliance Dalhsad *giggling*

(Submitted by Terry Boy)

So now I've got to wax the moon, AND douche the couche? Damn, I'm moving back to Dee- troit.

(Submitted by Terry Boy)

By the way, I don't have any candy, how 'bout a jawbreaker?

(Submitted by Dally Girl)

yummy!! give me!!!

(Submitted by Miss Ma'am)

Miss Dally, now y'all need to quit messin' with that Yankee boy's mind. Now you KNOW one has to be given two names at birth, y'all can't be addin' names any ol' kinda' way. Land sakes, child, it just isn't done! Addin' names all willy nilly like that. And Walpix, deah boy. I believe you are referrin' to the dissipation of said gas whilst I was expoundin' on the motive BEHIND the fart (how I do ABHOR that vulgah word!) Gas happens, deah boy. And wf massingils is simply what took place when the Catholics (of Savannah) met after Gil closed the bar. And melon, did you evah read "The Connoisseuse of Slugs" by Sharon Olds? I submit that the answer to your snail riddle is possibly a slug. And Miz Campbell, Doc Pritchett said to continue on the medication until a room is ready. *sigh* I need a mint julep.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

Miss Ma'am!! I *love* that Sharon Olds poem!! I have never looked at, nor regarded a slug again without thinking of that amazing poem!!! In fact, I have become quite taken by the creatures...as well as Tortise(s? i?) after reading D.H. Lawrence poems...Woo Hoo!! I'm thrilled another poetry and mint julep lover! And I too do most certainly detest that vulgar F word.

(Submitted by Dal: Insomniac)

yes melon, those little deaths of love...*sigh*. Would love to see some Walmart Haiku. By the by, I'm collecting all of melon's words since I worship his power and wisdom. If you would like a copy of the "Incomplete Works of melon" please send $29.95 + $10 S&H to Dalliance Interprises. (Offer void in all areas).

(Submitted by susie)

How are the driving lessons melon? Have you stared death in the face?

(Submitted by Sanders)

I can't believe how many posts there are for such a recent receipt.

(Submitted by SUSIE)

Meanwhile World War Twelve rages on......... and there was no end to the smiting..........

(Submitted by boneslive)

yay im back so how are things going since ive been gone? well i thnk i am going to go eat now

(Submitted by a girl)

thank God you've returned bonesalive, I've worried sick

(Submitted by melon)

im now selling joy and love for only 99.99$ - anyone need some?

(Submitted by Dalliance)

melon, is that for the package price? I'd like two please...I'm a little depleted at the moment. Do you take Visa?

(Submitted by Matthew Rogerson)

Considering how many people have a go at you for this sad site, you get a hell of a lot of visitors and replys. I checked in out of pure curiosity after running a search for Wal*Mart.

(Submitted by SuzinN.Cal)

Hhmmm ... wonder where Derek is? No new purchases in while! HI EVERYONE! :o) Lets send buying thoughts out to him! *grin*

(Submitted by susie)

Nice to hear from you, Matthew Rogerson

(Submitted by Bonnie Piesse's lame chicken)

Does anyone care to know that Derek's favourite checkout operators are 602 and 864, at store 1627? Sorry about not getting all the info to you last time, this damn end of the comment chopper can be a real c&%!@. Just like getting torched with your hubby on the sands of a remote planet.

(Submitted by Bonnie Piesse's lame chicken)

By the way, he has visited ##602 and 864 seven times each. And what's very spooky is that, except for one unusual time, 602 ONLY ever checks out at prime numbered terminals. I think this is something you big brained mathematics whizzes (e.g. Dally) should get your heads around and explain to us mere mortals.

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

I have to agree, Dalliance, yours still does smell lovely as a rose, particularly after liberal use of the bubble toy...cleans and refreshes in one!

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

I have to agree, Dalliance, yours still does smell lovely as a rose, particularly after liberal use of the bubble toy...cleans and refreshes in one!

(Submitted by Abi)

Ooooh Dally - could there be a wedding in the offing?? Can we all come please...melon could be page boy and shower you with joy and love, and just think how many attendants you could have!!

(Submitted by The Future Mrs. Dalliance Dahlsad)

Mrs. Campbell...oooh...bubble toys!! (by the way, i just gave a exegesis on the word 'cunt' back on the last receipt...some dude was threatening to call Matt and get me banned. As if. O, BP'sLame Chick, you flatter me. Thank you but a mathematical whiz I am not. (I just like to sling around the lingo, ya know). Abi- Baby!! *kisskiss* I have a dream! yes, melon as page boy, (he could recite a poem - wouldn't that be lovely) would you consider being one of my bridesmaids?? All of us bedecked in Wal*Mart finery - think on it!! *giggling girlishly*. Now, if I can only get Derek to return all those emails.

(Submitted by Dal Dahl)

Derek, Cuppy Cake, do mind picking me up some Mr. Bubble when next you shop? (the squirt bottle please, not the box..and if they have the 'Mr. Bubble with the Toolbelt' variety, well, that would just be a poem.

(Submitted by Abi)

Dal - I'm getting soooo excited thinking about wedding plans - I'm not familiar with Wal*Mart's offerings in the clothing line - but what about a line of male attendants in toolbelts!! Whoohooo! I'd love to be a bridesmaid....gosh I can feel a girly moment coming on...must go and fan myself! Keep emailing that man...

(Submitted by Abi)

Hey Dal - just read the exchange on the previous receipt - you're my heroine! Hopefully Justin's sitting out there working his way through a dictionary....puzzling over the long words!!

(Submitted by Nedster)

Yes, if you compare FizzPower against another brand, Brand X, FizzPower batteries keep going for 20% longer! Go FizzPower! You know in Poland they actually released a washing powder called Other Brand Of Washing Power? It sells really well.

(Submitted by rosie)

I am not Mrs Campbell, but I do know Abi (mwah babes!) and can vouch for the pristine pearly whiteness of her teeth, although we do not share a dentist, kippers I can't recall roasted copmut deffo - never touched the garlic balls, honest. Think a slightly more dazzling version of Liz Hurley. Now stop thinking it, its making your glasses steam up. As for Britain being 8 blocks wide - yes indeed it is, so please don't come here and sit down anywhere, we really don't want to make a home in your fundament.

(Submitted by rosie)

HISTORIC ANNOUNCEMENT Today the first Walmart opened in England in Bristol. Not sure why or what we are supposed to do with it. Does anyone know if they sell Osmond style teeth?

(Submitted by hefty pickens)

A tape of the Osmonds and Andy Williams doing songs from "Hair" is among the artifacts left on the moon by Neil Armstrong in 1969. I like to think of it as Earth's first line of defense.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

rosieeeeeee.....i love you aleady...mwoa mwoa...and you are Abi's friend to boot!! And just let me say, i admire your restraint because i would have said "don't come here and sit your fat American asses down and take up all the space!" Hefty...i am laughing myself silly...that was priceless!!! *giving you a high five* CHIQUITA!!!! where are YOU!!!!

(Submitted by a melted Chiquita)

I'm here, Dal-baby. It's just so dern hot here, y' know? A poor banana can only take so much heat. Derek, could you toss me a Mt. Dew to cool off, please. And a facial tissue to dab my moist brow.

(Submitted by Andre)

Chiquita, all I can say is the last time you asked Derek for a tissue you ended up a storyline for ER. Derek as George Clooney...now there's a thought. And Dalliance, I'm sorry to say that I have no further sightings of Shannon and Derek, though I believe it has been purported (purported, now there's a word, perhaps it's legal jargon for dolphin sodomy) their footprints were identified in a spilled puddle of Mr Bubble in aisle 7 (maybe Associate of the Year could do something about that)...perhaps we should get Leonard Nimoy onto the case, or have a TV special heavily-breathed-over by Lance Henriksen debunking the myths. Dalliance as Lance Henriksen, now there's a thought............

(Submitted by Dal with Worried Brow)

Here, Chiqie-baby, have this refreshing bubble toy...Mrs. C swears by them. I'm awfully worried about the others (lieu, walfix, mellow, terry, melon, Randy, Miss Ma'am, SP, Norman...et al.)why in this heat they're probably all melted down like a Tim Tam in Mrs C.'s...umm...teacup. *fanning you vigorously*

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Oh goody, oh goody, finally I seem to have logged on at the same time as all you others, if only you knew, Andre, what Mr Bubble means for one antipodean such as I, it would raise a guffaw or two.

(Submitted by Dalliance)

yayy!! Andre...I knew I'd missed someone! Both Susie's were in earlier so they are ok.

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

This is getting too exciting, Dally dunking Tim Tams with me, breaking down the borders, bringing the world together, I actually have a packet of Tim Tams in the cupboard right now, shall we get all uncomfortably sticky together?

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Actually, I'm being all overcome even as we speak, all this talk of Mr Bubble is raising my temperature. By the way, for you guys up there, it's pleasantly mild here today, a trifle overcast. Middle of winter and it's like a mild summer day.

(Submitted by Andre)

Ooh er, so much activity all of a sudden. And I thought I'd have to go back to watching Lou and Mary slugging it out in the kitchen. I always WANTED one of those swing doors in my kitchen, it seemed so happening and free.

(Submitted by Dunkin' Dal)

yes..and we can sing Kumbaya while we do it, Mrs. C!!! Andre, so this explains that smiley Flipper

(Submitted by Dunkin' Dal)

Tim Tam, Andre? *heavy breath over*

(Submitted by Andre)

Dalliance, what's your thoughts on being Lance Henriksen for a day? You could re-enact the complete collection of trashy b-grade 80s sci fi in one sitting!

(Submitted by Dal-Lance Henriksen)

I'm there, A! *pant pant*

(Submitted by Andre)

That's the shot, Dalliance. Just come into my hefty kitchen with me...............

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Would you guys mind not eating all the Tim Tams????????

(Submitted by Andre)

...mind the gvthin pot, Dally...

(Submitted by Andre)

...watch it, you're sitting on the 60wtstwngsrm..

(Submitted by Andre)

...and that was my best bm baht rnc too, oh well, never mind...

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Just move the Tim Tams out of the way, will ya???!!!

(Submitted by Dally in over her head)

what's a gvthin pot, Andre...i thought i was just gonna breathe real heavy and eat cookies *frightened look* Now wait one sec!!!! what is that dolphin doing here????? Run, Forrest, Run.....

(Submitted by Andre)

Perhaps you'd like to share a Nabisco's Air Crisp with me, Mrs Campbell? *lighting a cigarette*

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Just as long as you don't start stacking those Oreos on me.

(Submitted by Dally B-ed by A)

i feel so used.

(Submitted by Andre)

The door's locked, Dally, but if you just reach down in here you might find a key weiser... ..........................

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

While we're on the subject, did Mary Tyler Moore ever have bangs?

(Submitted by Dalliance *atremble*)

You aren't cut me up and put me in the freezer, are you?

(Submitted by Andre)

Dalliance, I merely follow in the promiscuous footsteps of my deity and saviour, the Lord God Derek G. Dahlsad (8 tracks and counting). You haven't forgotten - Shannon - have you? *heavy Lance-Henriksen-in-android-dea th-scene-from-Alien2 breathing*

(Submitted by Andre)

Only if you ask me nicely, Dally.

(Submitted by Dalliance *aquiver*)

You're not gonna make me your gimp, are you? *aside* Damn, I knew I should have found out who the hell Lance was before I agreed...waaaaaaaa

(Submitted by Andre)

But don't worry, Dally, I've got plenty of replacement heads here.

(Submitted by Andre)

...I'd rather you were my baby shmp, Dally...................

(Submitted by Dally)

But is it real leather?...because i only do real leather...i ain't nobody's gimp for some cheap- ass vinyl hood...and the rack has to be just like the ones in the Hellfire Club, got it?

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

At least you've warmed up the Tim Tams for me, they slip in much more easily that way. Oooooooooooooh Lance..................

(Submitted by Dally and the Devil)

ahh...the wee prawn is what you're wantin', is it?

(Submitted by Chrissie Amphlett)

What's wrong with vinyl?

(Submitted by Dally and the Devil, Part Deux)

nothing sounds like real leather!

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Wouldn't I need to use cream for that?

(Submitted by Dally)

Mrs. C, not with the right Flipper around you wouldn't

(Submitted by Dally Girl (time for bed))

I think we lost Andre to Mary Tyler Moore..wow, and I was really warming up to him too.

(Submitted by Dalliance in the arms of Morpheus)

ANDRE, YOU TEASE!!!! Gosh, I think I scared him...*giggling gleefully* G'Night, Mrs. C...may I have a Tim Tam for the road?

(Submitted by Andre)

I'm a ragin' tiger Dally, Mary, Mrs Campbell, Lance Henriksen and you all in one night...and you saying it's time for bed, well that just makes me wanna reach for a chore boy and an 8 pack of 2 liter Mountain Dew.

(Submitted by Mrs Campbell)

Good night my sweet little kiddies, each one of you say a prayer before you go to bed, I will be a good child for mum and dad, I will turn the apono bulb off, I will put the toothpaste cover on, and I will put away my halloween costume. You may have a Tim Tam each as a special treat, and a box of facial tissues beside your bed to clean up after. Oh, you are my sweet little angels! Goodnight.

(Submitted by Chrissie Amphlett)

It's a fine line between pleasure and pain.

(Submitted by Mr Bubble)

Mrs Campbell, may I borrow your kiddies....and *ahem* your Tim Tams?

(Submitted by Dal - little shmp)

Andre, I will like to be your baby shmp *tilting head and looking at you with an angelic smile* Goodnight Mummy C.

(Submitted by Abi)

Morning all! I missed out on the fun last night - my connections just didn't want to play - Rosie-babes - you made it! Liz Hurley eh, I blush - but thank you for your kind words!! I guess we're just going to have to head on over to Bristol and see what this WalMart's all about - I've definitely got my eye on a human skull, with perhaps a couple of Chore Boys to stand either side - a shrine to Derek.

(Submitted by rosie)

DEREK APPEARS TO HAVE, WELL, DISSAPEARED. Has anyone noticed that in the very begining when this site was merely a churning volcano of possibility and dinosaurs strolled the web Derek used to take part in the odd natter? Where is he now? furrow my brow people, while we have been chatting happily a Derek has gone missing. What were those human skulls for? if not proof that his soul has been gobbled up by a naughty thingumyjig somewhere out there in the ether? Abi, we will search the Walmarts, we will find Derek (with or without Shannon), we will liberate him from his servitude to the thingumyjig, he will return. See you by the chablis.

(Submitted by rosie)

And Exqueeze me but isn't it rather late in the day to start collecting for WWII memorials? Wal? 1945 is a Looong Tiiiime Agoooo!. Dalliance, I love your name, please may I borrow it? I'll let you have it back I promise.

(Submitted by Abi)

Dalliance - you can trust Rosie with your name, she's very good at looking after things like that, and will take it to lots of lovely trendy clubs and restaurants in London, oh and art galleries, it will have a wonderful time!

(Submitted by rosie)

I could even show it my Rubik's cube.

(Submitted by Chickenlady)

Oi girly - you can show me your rubik's cube anytime...

(Submitted by BITEME! )

Shut the F**k up about the Tim Tams-freak!! You killed the joke!!

(Submitted by Freud )

Screw Mushu and the Compubank he rode in on.

(Submitted by julie )

afterbite = pain relieving medication for bee stings, etc.

(Submitted by Jack Schitt )

For a good time call Kreig Matt at (218)233-8226.. He only takes Visa and bring your own X Batteries pleas..Thx

(Submitted by cmn )

So who bit you?

(Submitted by Karl L. )

TRUE STORY Hi, my name is confidential and I'm about to disclose to you a very discrete matter between my girlfriend and I, which I would readily like to share with you. But first, let me introduce to you my breath- taking girlfriend Kris. She's 19 y/o, tall, blond-haired, blue-eyed, a shiny smile of kindness. As to the physical aspects, she's very attractive, having lush tits, curved shaped-up luscious ample ass. As a daughter of a G.I. Lietenant- Colonel of Norwegian extraction, and a German nurse, she looks very "Nordic", very alike to a typical Scandinavian. She works at a well-known esteem restaurant in New York City and used to work at "7- Eleven" in Chevron gas station down in Pennsylvania. Well, for couple of years she's been having a bizarre habit/hobby, - farting on cream cakes... (beats me) It's amazing to see her taking off her pants, exposing her bare butt before me, then bending over, squating with it to the cake, and vigorously breaking winds all over it. It's so wierd! Once I decided to get down to it and asked her as to the meaning of this bizarre fetish, so she told me that it has turned her on since being a little girl. Beats me! She can hardly even explain it to herself! So one day while I was visiting her at the restaurant, she approached me, took a cake out of the fridge, got undressed and carried out her constant ritual. I got suddenly so turned on, that my prick thought of punching my stretched pants, so I took 'em off. Astonished and grateful, I stared at my lover performing the ceremony easily and slowly, thanking Jesus Lord for her beauty. She bent down to place her ass in front of the cake, while I'm standing in the corner watching her drawing near her slit and shithole to approximately 2-3 inches from the cake, waiting patiently for the digestion gases to accumulate, then be thrust out of her body to meet the beneign cake. She told me she'd had the beans, so she was equiped with a lot of farts just to be proud of. After she let out a silent one, felt only due to its odor, she broke winds loudly, about 5 or 6 in a row, every one of them sounded like a canon bombardment, or at least - a starting motorcycle. The last one lasted 7 whole seconds. I think she passed gas at 500 ml bulk sum total. Initially the smell was hot, strong and condensed as the molecules were too dense. After a while when it began to spread, it has become sharp, punctual and less offensive. After about 20 seconds it felt all over the room, surprisingly turning me on. She raised from the bending position, getting up on her feet. As for the cake- after a few minutes it was a total mess, looked full of fungi and all sorts of bacteria and sour, still carrying Kris' wonderful smell. Couple of minutes later a good looking young fella entered the restaurant and asked for a pie. Kris served him the foul smelling cake. He ate it unabruptly, unaware of the drama which had taken place just before. I was watching the scene while it was going on, I coundn't hold it in, and rushed to the staff's bathroom, bursting out laughing, lying on the floor twisting, until my belly was sore. 10 minutes later, after recovering from the wild laughter, I went out of the facility just to encounter the funny guy holding his stomach, with a tormented expression on his face, speeding all the way to get rid of the foul cake. I think he's just had at least 150 million germs...Bonappetite!

(Submitted by NYCFASHIONGIRL )

DOES MATT WEAR SHORTS TO WORK?

(Submitted by Bhavik Patel )

My penis is small and im proud of it!!!Iv satisfied lots of girls with this!!

(Submitted by Carolina )

After bite?

(Submitted by Gern Blandston )

Karl... Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you? I hope that guy comes back and stomps a mudhole in yr dumbass. Jeez...

(Submitted by Erin )

wow-- i bet ur VISA is maxed out!!!!!!! LOL